May 2004: Listen to me, saying I am giving up not delivering what I promise. What a crock! Who is still with his girlfriend? I am. Who is full of shit? I am. Don't believe a damn word that comes out of my mouth because I will ultimately do whatever serves my own, immediate self-interest. Makes me sick.

And the WORST part of that? Making me sick doesn't change my bloody behaviour. So, either I am full of shit when I tell people what I believe, or I am a chickenshit pussy who is afraid of putting his money where his mouth is. I am going with the latter.

February 4, 2004: Time for an update. I am on the eve of splitting with my girlfriend, or not.... AGAIN. I don't know anything about anything except what goes on in my head, I have no assurances from anyone or anything that what I think I know is actually true, my feelings want to pull me away from my current life and push me in directions unknown and I am scared shitless of that so I don't listen to them and keep doing what I've always done. No wonder I'm screwed.

I am through promising things that I do not deliver. I am through believing there is a universe out there with a Plan for everything, because let's face it life seems directed by human bloody nature, not some Godly Plan. It's what we want, think we want, think we know that rules. If there is a big plan in place, why in hell did we EVER come up with the idea that the EGO makes more sense than our hearts. Are we THAT stupid as a species? Obviously, the answer is yes, and that the pulls of the flesh FAR outweigh any sort of spiritual enlightenment, or state of "natural knowing" which spiritual gurus like to tell us we are all in possession of. Bah fuckin' humbug.

As more time goes by, and as I gain more insight into human nature and how the world works, the more I wonder how in hell we as a species managed to get as far as we have without wiping ourselves completely off the planet through mind numbing acts of brutality, selfishness and stupidity.

Anyone with whom I share these decidedly negative views seems to be caught up in what the rest of humanity is, and they all tell me that I'm being pessimistic, and that it's wonderful to be alive. That's the view that society as a whole is putting forward, even though we ALL know the truth, that it's NOT as great as we're expected to believe it is. We're told what happiness is and how to pursue it, but anyone who tries to do it the way we're "supposed" to, ends up hurt and bitter and with the realisation that society's version of "happiness" is nowhere near anything that vaguely resembles it. It's transitory at best, shallow and superficial.

Here's the delicious irony of it all, though. Anyone who wants to pursue any OTHER kind of happiness NOT sanctioned by the all-knowing society rulebook, is instantly the butt of all kinds of jokes, delivered by those same people pursuing goals which deep down they KNOW won't make them happy.

It seems to me that society at large is comprised of billions of people all wanting everyone else to think they're doing anything but what they are really doing. Our lives revolve around putting forward this fake image of who we want other people to think we are, and in that process, any concept of who we all really are is lost.

Here's some more irony for you. Anyone who is themself and who doesn't care what anyone else thinks of them, is instantly the envy of the people around them.

People piss me off. Their potential is virtually unlimited, but no, we have to concern ourselves with things that don't matter, and which we find out only after 25 years of pursuing goals that should have seemed not worth while from the start. We don't want to think, we don't want to listen to those so obviously more experienced than we are, and we seem to like learning the hard way. But that's human bloody nature for you, and it makes me sick.

Next time, I'm coming back as a cat, maybe a pig instead.

Update 10/2001: Boy have the times changed. It is currently October, and my fears of war breaking out have proven to be founded, even though it might not have come from the quarter I was worried about. Still, there's a good chance that the US's "War on terrorism" is going to spark off far more than terrorist retaliations against US targets, and we might well find ourselves faced with a middle eastern uprising against the West. The fact that the Americans say there's a chance they might involve other countries in their crusade to eradicate terrorism is a big worry for me, as I know damn well that the Muslim community aren't going to take very kindly to the idea, and frankly there are a whole lot of Muslims in this world, and a call to arms from any one Muslim country will be answered by all muslims everywhere, because it's part of their religious beliefs to do so. That thought scares me to death, I'm not afraid to admit it. It should scare all of us, and I just hope and pray that the US steps very lightly in the coming months, although from some of the news we've received from some Islamic fundamentalists, I suspect that even kid-glove treatment won't save the world from a "crimson jihad". But that's just my opinion.

On a non-war front, my life is going ahead quite well at the moment. After being employed on and off while finding out what I do and don't want to do professionally these past 9 months, I have finally landed the job I've been looking for all along - I am starting a 4 month technical support contract with a large local IT company on the 1st of November. It's in a big building, there is no driving involved, and I am part of a team, not on my own with nobody to back me up. I'm just starting out in the field (despite being qualified for over 18 months now, job prospects in this country aren't great), and so my confidence needs a little work, but I have no doubt that it will grow in leaps and bounds as time goes on. Working for a student temp agency for the last month or so has helped me as well, even though I've only done one IT related job (eradicating the Nimda virus from various PCs) in my time with them. My motto on this is "any experience is good experience", and it has done me the world of good.

My frustrations with people and society haven't changed much, I've just decided that the only life I can control is mine, and that is what I am focusing on. I've started to meditate regularly which is helping me gain perspective on all the thoughts I have, and on those days when I am extremely frustrated, I take those frustrations out on a punching bag I hung in the garage. It helps me manage my anger, and provides me with the physical outlet I've never had before.

It was strange the way I came up with the idea, though. Two weeks ago I was thinking about myself, my ideals and priorities as I have been encouraged to do by someone very special to me, and after a particularly stressful day driving for a local company (I dinged some poor woman's car with the truck I wasn't accustomed to driving), I came home and did what I always do, I sat at my PC playing a game with my headphones on and my hardest, loudest, fasted music playing through my headphones. Over the past 25 years, that is as close as I've come to "relieving stress and tension", and anyone with half a brain reading this is sure to think "but that's not relief at all, that's burying and not dealing with it at all", and you'd be right. While in the middle of a game, a thought literally popped into my head - my dad had a 20 man tent that is stored in a large sack which would make an ideal punching bag. Without my usual procrastinating response to the idea of hanging it in the garage, I got up, went to the garage and did just that. That in itself is a miracle.

Needless to say, ever since that day I've pounded on that bag until my arms are sore and I am gasping for breath every time I've gotten angry or frustrated, and WOW, it has felt good to do that.

I think the negativity you read at the top of this page was another ineffective anger and stress relief method, and all it really did was encourage bitterness to grow. I still make some good points in all that ranting, and those I won't take back (I mean come on, society isn't perfect and people do tend to be very sheep-like) until the day I believe I am wrong about them. I believe I am in control of my own destiny, I am responsible for all my actions and attitudes, and if I think other people make me feel a certain way, I will be wrong, and that I am allowing them to do so. Nobody can sit on your head without your permission.

This is the end of my update, I hope to update this site a little more regularly, but I won't make any promises. Cya.

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