Jokes...

If you have any tasteful jokes for this page, e-mail them to me, and if they're good I'll paste them here.

___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him.
Gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked... "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque...
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
--From Rev. Don

Sometimes it DOES take a rocket scientist: Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken!"

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.