The
Chronicles
A Collection of Stories about Those People who Qualify as Bitbrains Being Classified as a Bitbrain is generally NOT a good thing.
One: Submitted by Paul McQuown. This may be his own experience.
It is a night just like any other night, the clock sit's there blinking 12:00 repetitively. Power must have dropped out sometime, but with this massive UPS, I had not noticed an interruption in service. The net was still alive and I was about to leech another 4 meg file from some obscure FTP site. It really did not matter what the file was, as long as I could suck it down at ISDN speeds. The mere thought of high speed connections is enough to make my mouse hand shake with anticipation.
I slap another cup of water into the microwave and nuke it to boiling. Adriotly I dump several teaspoons full of instant coffee into the cup and stir. Motion lotion! Go-go juice for the modem challenged crowd. Gotta be awake to watch the incredible speed of this connect! I feel that I am missing something if I cannot monitor the download. I might miss something. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Ignore the fact that I have 2 ISDN lines and 3 regular phone lines. Those three computers are working overtime and my ISP is having fits. It seems that I never log off. Could it be because I have snagged a few clandestine accounts? Could it be that I am spoofing the server to keep from being kicked off due to inactivity? Naw, there is a slim chance for that to happen *Smirk*.
Yes, I will admit that I was once totally computer illiterate, but once I found the allure of the "visual" newsgroups, I became very literate overnight...with the help of a few close friends and lots of instant coffee. The only real problem I have encountered is storage. There is not enough room to store all these precious files I have been amassing. I have already worn out three ZIP drives and really do not have room to store all the tapes. Writeable CDROMS are almost affordable, but their capacity is far to small to make them a viable alternative to tapes at this time. Four gigabytes of hard drive space can be filled up in practically no time. What to do?
I am getting annoyed with the constant "browser update" wars that are going on. Every month or so, someone writes a new application that can be used as a "Plug-in" and I feel the intense need to upgrade. I would hate to be the jitter on the trailing edge of technology...
Did I mention that I am involved with the twelve step method for Modemers Anonymous? I have even been able to reach step two, but not by my own choice, the ice storm last year killed power to my apartment for 3 days and even this massive UPS could not maintain connection that long. I will not get caught like this again. Solar panels are being installed on the roof.
Two: Another (possibly true) tale from Paul.
Decisions, decisions ... feed the child or pay the phone bill. It is really something of a "toss-up" since the kid is naught but a "relentless eating machine" with hollow legs. But if I pay the PHONE bill...I can modem some more. Perhaps I can compromise, I'll pay most of the phone bill, and buy the child massive amounts of peanut butter and jelly. Killer idea! That means we BOTH can eat! I am almost out of canned tuna and there is plenty of bread in the freezer.
Another cup of water enters the microwave, set for anihilate and slam the detonator. Radiation is truely a wonderful invention. Gotta remember to thank Mrs. Currie for that stuff. Maybe it was Edison, no matter, it exists and the coffee water is ready to go! Instant BRAND-X-from the-store coffee in double strength doses. I smile at my excellent decision. The child welfare people will not be at the door for weeks. Perhaps I should spring for some laundry detergent and do some clothes too. I could squeeze the clothes in between downloads, yes, I believe there is a possibility.
A quick jump over to GAMES DOMAIN and I can start a game download and laundry. Better start the transfer and skate over to the "Stop-N-Rob(tm)" for some vittles and soap. MechWarrior looks like a likely candidate to occupy some spare meggage on the old hard drive. Just point, click and ship that baby to me. Yeah! 15 megs should take FOREVER at 28.8 bps. I can take it easy while shopping.
The lord has been smiling over me, I know it is hard to believe, but I have an EXTRA $175 Buckaroos in the old account. Wonder what else I forgot to pay? Never mind, I grab a shopping cart and with my newly found affluence, I go on a major food buying binge! Oatmeal, cheap and easy to make. Peanut butter and jelly. Rice by the metric tonne, and as I round the corner, the marked down meat counter stares me in the face, encouraging me to put some protein on the family diet that does not resemble cat food.
What the heck, I'll splurge and get some semi-rancid almost beyond the sell date weiners. Kid and me both like them and the microwave will sterilize the dogs anyways. I still have all those ketchup and mustard packets from Sonic in the kitchen drawer. Wow, there is even marked-down pre-made burger patties. Can't let a bargain like that slip through my fingers. I really need to get over to the household aisle and get some laundry detergent. Aha! There it is and lo and behold, Dutch Girl detergent is STILL only 99 cents per box! Set Penny Pinching Mode=ON. Grab a bottle of the generic pine oil cleaner, yep there it is, 19 percent pine oil and only a buck! PineSol, kiss my grits. Mapping to MISER.LIB, please stand by.
Horror of all horrors, some demented individual has done the unthinkable, the household cleaners are RIGHT BESIDE THE BEER COOLERS! Management is out to get my last buck, by hook or by crook. Surfing and suds, what could be better on a Friday night? I eyed the Dutch Girl and generic pine oil cleaner... how many gallons of Schafer beer can I buy for the two dollars these items represent? I guess probably six, so the next real question is, laundry or beer? Beer or laundry? Decisions, decisions.
Three: This one is an old Dave Berry Article.
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol.
I have the video in QT Video format. It's 11.5 MB, so I won't be e-mailing it to you or wasting my server space with it. It's available on the web and you can get it by clicking here.
Number 4: Submitted by Dr. Davey McKenzie, Astrophysicist or something.
Michigan, USA.
Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen.
These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.
Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ????
Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.
The dog, well it is happy and heads back to where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.
BOoM !
Dog dies. It and the brand new 30 some thousand dollar Grand Cherokee $400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.
This one turns out to be an Urban Legend with roots in an Australian mining town circa 1890. I'll leave it in the Bitbrain Chronicles because (1) it's funny and (2) I never said all the stories in the chronicles were true.
Number 5: Submitted by Dr. Davey McKenzie, Astrophysicist or something.
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man (let's call him Bob) who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. Bob stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. Bob sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, Bob needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, Bob unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When Bob "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew Bob off the tower.
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person (Bob), his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
Number 6: Submitted by Dr. Davey McKenzie, Astrophysicist or something.
Subject: Using Laptop Computers on International Flights:
Recently, two individuals from USPL were travelling to Belgium on Sabena Belgium World Airlines, which is affiliated with Delta Airlines. They were seated in row 6 of the plane where seats contain the tray tables in the armrest section of the seat. They setup their tray tables and proceeded to use their laptop computers.
During the flight, both their PCs began experience problems, and soon they were unable to use their PCs.
Apparently the tray tables were magnetized, so that tray tables will not make noises while stored in the armrests. The magnetized trays corrupted the hard drives of both laptops. On this particular Belgium flight, the aircraft happen to be a "new" Airbus 340, which explains why this has not surfaced until now. The problem seems to be with a specific European aircraft seat manufacturer. US Airways, NorthWestern and United have no plans to utilize these magnetized trays in their new Airbus aircraft.
Boeing and McDonnel Douglas also have no plans to use these magnetized trays in their new aircraft, and there have been no reported cases of other types of aircraft experiencing this problem. The purpose of this notice is to simply make travellers aware of the "potential" problem, especially on Airbus aircraft built for European-based airlines. If the tray table appears to be magnetized (use a paperclip to see if it sticks), then I advise people not to use their laptop computer on these trays. Please pass this advisory on to your international travellers.
(From the International Air Transport Association - IATA)
Number 7: Submitted by Dr. Davey McKenzie, Astrophysicist or something.
Subject: Davey's latest adventure in Japan...
So I was at the store today, buying a new pen, some stamps, etc. and I decided I needed some breath mints. Sometimes ya just don't feel fresh, know-what-I-mean? So I moseyed over to the mint counter, and immediately faced a problem: all the labels are in Japanese. Now I can read a little Japanese, but what that means is that I can read Japanese spellings of English words (like "aisu-creemu", for "ice cream"), and I can read the Japanese spellings of Japanese words. In the first case, this can be very helpful: you get ice cream instead of, say, an enema. In the latter case, it does me no good. I mean, it doesn't matter which way you spell "morinaga", you can even spell it in French, I can't tell you what it is. So here I am facing a shelf full of carefully stacked, immaculately wrapped mint-shaped things, very enticingly labelled with gibberish. All I want is something to take the "stale coffee" perfume off my tongue. Finally I see one roll of candies that says, "ice mints". Okay, I'm in the home stretch now. Take it to the counter along with my new pen, my postage stamps, and a new roll of tape, pay up and I'm out the door. After I drop off the newly-stamped mail and grab one more cup of coffee, I decide it's time for a mint. And lucky for me, I've got a brand-new roll of "ice mints" in my coat pocket. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I look a little more closely at the label to find that it says,
"bourbon ice mints".
I'm not making this up -- how could I? I'm not that clever. These turned out to be candies that taste like weak bourbon and leave a minty-fresh feeling in the back of my throat, kinda like a cough drop. It's a lot like sucking on a Halls mentho-lyptus after drinking all night. I have no idea what my breath smells like, but I bet it ain't stale coffee.
Wonderful country, this.
-Dave