Time: Before Christmas break (loneliest time of the year). Early evening.

Stage: Need partition of some sort separating the office ftom the other half of the stage. Opposite office have a dorm room or student apartment-type setup. Can use the same setup for all three sets of callers with minor modifications.

ACT I begins with the phone ringing. Just have spots on two phones on both sides of the stage. When the phone is answered at the help line office, expand spotlight to include people and scenery.

S: Can't say that I have. Come on, what's your problem? You don't seem to have serious enough problems to cause you to kill yourself. Nothing's that bad.

V: Don't give me any of this s**t. It sounds like you're going through the help line rulebook. By the way, what's your name?

S: Uh-uh. I'll give you my name if you give me yours.

V: You think you're so smart. OK, forget names. And you're right. I don't have any problems that are serious. It's a combination of everything in my life. My whole life is senseless.

S: Don't get melodramatic. Who is this? I'm beginning to think that this is some sort of joke. . .

V: You better not hang up if you value my life.

S: Why should I value your life?

V: I don't know. You're right. Hang up on me and leave me alone. See you in the obituaries.

S: Wait, I'm sorry I said that. Do you really have a problem?

V: (sarcastically) No problem, I just want to kill myself while talking to an idiot like you. Of course I have a problem, stupid. Now, are you going to listen?

S: I've never encountered anyone quite like you before.

V : You think you're a shrink and have heard of every known complaint just because you spend a few hours a week on this stinking help line? I suggest you start using your brain, man. You can't just pick up the guidebook and look in the index under loony. You've got to treat everyone as an individual. Everybody is different and needs a different kind of help. Me, all I want is someone to talk to and someone that will listen. I'm all alone and need somebody to help.

S: OK, so talk to me and I'll try to help.

V: That's more like it. Now, where do we start?

S: What do you mean?

V: Just what I said. I've never done this before, you know.

S: No, how do I know that?

V : Well, believe me. It's just a combination of everything in my life. I'm not a freak.

S: No? You're the one who's going to kill himself.

V: That does it!

S: Wait!

V: Why? If you're gonna continue like that. . . You know what you are? You're a son of a bitch, that's what you are! You're worse than me and you call me a freak. Maybe you better look in your book to learn some manners.

S: Look, I told you that I'm sorry. That was a low blow just now. How can I help you if I don't know anything about you? I mean, I don't know anything - not your name, what kind of person you are...

V: All right. I was born almost 21 years ago in a small town in New England. I was supposed to keep my parents from separating. That it did, but it made them even more miserable. They took it out on me. They've sent me away to school since I was five years old. You ever go to private school?

S: Sure, from about the same age. That's something we have in common. I hated it.

V: Same here. I wasn't too popular. The teachers called me a "problem child". That was the term they used for any kid that they couldn't control and mold to their own form. Thank heaven I never fell into that mold, or did I in the end?

S: Listen, I know what you mean. If you didn't play with your blocks or cleaned up your room along with everyone else, you were "different". I got it from the other kids too.

V: Right. Hey, you're not so bad after all. Anyhow, it was the same at all three private schools. Teachers and kids didn't like me. The only outlet was my studies. I became a first class bookworm by the seventh grade. It was great, being at the top of the class. Students had to look up to me. The teachers didn't like it, but they had to be impressed by my performance. My parents actually let me come home on vacation for once so that they could show me off to their influential friends. They usually just happened to go on vacation during the school breaks. They let me come home during the summer, though. The housekeeper took care of me while they went to Switzerland or Kenya for three months.

S: You know, we are very much alike. My folks were always traveling too. What did you do during the summer? Make paper airplanes?

V: How did you know? I'm probably the best paper airplane maker in the world. I didn't have anyone near my age to see in the summer so I had to make my own diversions.

S: Did you use paper clips or just folded them?

V: Nothing but paper and scissors. If I needed anything else, I started over.

S: You should have seen some of the ones I made. I'd like to challenge you.

V: You forget. You may not have a chance to if you don't watch out.

S: I did forget. So far, it doesn't sound so bad. It seems that you were smart enough that you could think of things to do.

V : Yeah. My housekeeper almost died when I mixed up some chemicals in the kitchen and made some sort of poison gas.

S: I did that when I made contact explosives once. You get a whole bunch of hydrogen gas.

V: So that's what it was. You know, we do sound very much alike. When were you doing these things?

S: I was all by myself during the summer. It is tough being an only child, isn't it?

V: I'll say it was. You had to make up your own imaginary playmates. I took all these little cars and an erector set and made a city. I think it's still in the basement of my house. Everything was OK until about eleventh grade. Then everybody started going out with girls. Since I was class genius, no one would even look at me. Soon my friends, if you could call them that - these were the guys who used to get homework from me and in return would protect me from the class bullies - they stopped coming around. Their girlfriends would help them. I used to set up for the school dances and man the lights while everyone else danced. For heaven's sake, I still don't know how to do anything but square dance and the f**king Bunny Hop!

S: Take it easy. A lot of people don't know how to dance. What do you think those girls you see just standing around at a dance are up to? Ask them to dance and they say no. Why? Ten to one they don't know how and go there to meet people. At least, that's what I think.

V: They're a bunch of whores! The whole lot. Just sitting there, looking pretty in the bars. Even if you ask them the time of day, they'll snub you. Believe me, I've tried. I've seen guys in bars go trom table to table to get someone to dance with them They're just turned down, one after another. It's not fair!

S: So you're having girl problems?

V: How can you call it girl troubles if you don't have a girl to go with? I've tried a couple of times, they walked out on me. I feel like a hermit.

S: Have you tried the frats?

V: I hate frats. They're just like private school- a whole bunch of cliques. Over there is the jock frat. This one on the left is for geniuses. Over there for the animals. I couldn't take that anymore. I'll take a private apartment and spend the time with the best friend that I'll ever have - myself.

S: So, what's your problem? Like you say, you've got the best friend that you'll ever have and you've got your own apartment, away from the cliques.

V: I'm bored as hell. I'm lonely. You can't live apart from society your whole life. You can't just sit in the back row of every class and just listen, never asking or answering questions; becoming camouflaged as part of the wall. It's not enough, and I've had too much of it all and none of living. That's my problem!

S: That's no problem! I've lived by myself away from everything throughout college, except for the first year dorms.

V: Yeah, those freshmen dorms. What great fun. Getting pennied into your room, shaving cream fights; what a swell time. Human beings are animals!

S: So, why are you complaining about separating yourself from the animals? I agree with you. If you don't like it, separate from it. Stay away, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.

V: So remain a hermit.

S: Yeah, that's right. If you feel lonely, go to a bar and be with the animals, go to a movie and watch the animals at play. But, if you don't believe in being an animal, that's your choice. I agree with your choice. I stay away, except for this help line and a few other things. The help line lets me see the animals as they really are. The callers on this phone become more than animals - they become human. All of their cliques and facades and everything else are stripped away from them when they pick up the phone and call on someone to help. That's the difference. Animals only help their own, humans will help anyone in need.

V: That's the biggest load of BS I've ever heard. You think you're helping me? You're helping yourself. It makes you feel good that someone's worse off than you. I'll give you one thing. A lot of people will laugh at those lower than themselves. Not too many will try to make themselves feel good by helping someone else. You're as sick as everyone else!

S: And what about you? Taking the easy way out of this mess is a cosmic cop-out. Killing yourself is the biggest animal act on earth. I am sick, but so are you. We are much alike. We come from similar backgrounds, have a similar childhood. How come I'm better than you and can take this rat race while you have to call me to tell me that you're gonna be dropping out?

V: I refuse to play the game and I refuse to be insulted. I'm going to hang up. If I don't kill myself I'll call you back.

S: Hold on, wait a second!

(Phone is hung up. Steve bends his head down in his hands. Spot fades.)

ACT II has the same scenery. Put spot on help line phone as it rings.

S: (Steve sounds a little shaken.) Hello, help line. Can I help you?

V: I bet you thought I killed myself, didn't you?

S: (Elated) It's you, you're back!

V: You think that I'd let a paper airplane builder like myself insult me and get away with it?

S: I don't know. It doesn't matter. I was worried sick. Still thinking of taking the plunge?

V : You better believe it. But I need some more talking before I get totally disgusted with all of humanity. There's something different about you, something I can't quite put my fmger on it . . .

S: Different in a good or bad way?

V: I suppose it's good. Otherwise I wouldn't keep arguing with you.

S: Well thanks for the compliment. I'm sorry I called you a coward.

V: You better be. You're the real coward. You're afraid of death.

S: I'm not so much afraid of death as that I respect life. I can't believe anyone can think life as so petty as to be worthless.

V: Worthless! You don't know how it feels to be worthless. Ever since I was a kid, I was a burden, just an extra piece of baggage to my parents. Now, I am trying to be someone here at school, and there's always somebody there, waiting to knock me down.

S: I know it seems that way all right. I can understand your feelings.

V: (pausing) You know, I think I actually believe you. You do feel for me. You're not just using the techniques that you picked up in Psych 101 to calm me down. You actually have feelings and are concerned about me.

S: You better believe it. I've been through the same sort of problems. I've even thought about suicide. I guess everyone does at one time or another in their life. But then you sit back and realize, hey, here I am. I've only lived for a little over twenty years. I've got at least twice as much time left. Things have to change.

V: How can you be an optimist when nothing in your life goes right?

S: You can't tell me that nothing goes right. There's always got to be something.

V: To hell there is!

S: Tell me this. You haven't wanted for money, right?

V: That's a problem in itself If you have too much, you're a spoiled brat. Too little, and you starve.

S: You're right. How about you?

V: I get by.

S: So there's one good thing in your life.

V: Yeah, and another is that I didn't get caught in an atomic bomb explosion. I'm beginning to think that you're full of s**t.

S: Uh-uh. First you say that I understand, next minute you're cursing at me. Make up your mind.

V: Don't you know schizophrenics can't?

S: Now look who's talking Psych 101.

V: I don't know how I can stand arguing with you.

S: You like it, and you know it.

V: You're right, but I don't have to admit it.

S: You don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

V: That's easy for you to say. What about all those years with my parents, my headmasters, and the older kids. . .

S: But that's all over now. You're free.

V: Free! There's only one way to be free, and I'm going to do it. That's why I called.

S: Don't you see? You don't want to die. That's why you called. You're asking for help.

V: And look who I got for a helper. Someone just as f**ked up as me.

S: Now wait a minute, I'm not going to slit my wrists.

V : You can't just slit your wrists. The blood coagulates too quickly. You have to slit up your arm or hack your wrists until you pass out from lack of blood or shock.

S: I see that you have it all figured out.

V: You have to plan ahead, I always say.

S: But for your own funeral?

V: Now that's one thing I forgot. I have to plan the funeral.

S: You've got to be kidding me.

V: That's funny. No rule book this time either. The mental patient is always right, quoth the suicide prevention manual.

S: How do you know so much about the help line rules? Were you ever on the staff?

V: I might have been, and I might not of. Just like my name, you have to guess.

S: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

V: Do like I do, follow the rules. Always follow the rules. If you don't follow the rules, you get in trouble. How come everyone who doesn't follow them gets away with it and I get in trouble?

S: They knew enough not to get caught.

V: That's right. I'm an ignoramus.

S: I haven't heard that word in years.

V: I'm stupid. I thought you had to be always faithful, true blue, obedient - a f**king boy scout!

S: I do the same thing.

V: Then you know you can't survive that way.

S: I managed. There's nothing wrong with doing the right thing.

V: If you want to be a martyr, sure.

S: Come on. Don't tell me that if you feel that you're right, a little punishment or abuse will make you doubt yourself.

V: I'm always doubting myself.

S: Listen, you've got to believe in something. Like we agreed before, you always have yourself If you don't believe in yourself, who can you believe in?

V: I believe, all right, but I still have my doubts. How can I be sure that I'm right?

S: You don't have to be sure that you're right. You just have to believe that it was the best decision that you could make. Right or wrong, it was your best choice.

V: And if I believe that suicide is my best choice?

S: If you truly understood what I meant, you'd never choose death.

V: A likely story. Tell me this then. How come whenever I'm by the overpass over the river, I feel as though a power is taking hold of me and telling me to jump. Is that myself telling me what the best thing is?

S: That's just your imagination. You can't blame it on some power.

V: So it's the power of my imagination. What difference does that make?

S: The difference is that you can control it, fight it, and win.

V: Not everybody can.

S: But you've got the strength of will to do it.

V: You're making me up to be more than I am.

S: I can't believe that. Everyone's got a survival instinct. You just have to let that power control you.

V: What if you can't?

S: You've been acting so high and mighty ever since I started talking with you. What has suddenly happened? You've lost all of your willpower and strength. That's the easy thing to do. Just give up and let your poorer half take over. You have to fight for life. Battle your being. Life wasn't given to you just for you to throw it away.

V: I didn't ask to be born.

S: It doesn't matter. You were given a gift to use and you are trying to abuse it.

V: Next thing you'll be giving me is a hellfire and damnation speech. You sound just like a preacher.

S: Come on, I just can't see how you can go about thinking that life is worthless.

Y: Not life, just my own life. Did I tell you about the time that I saved a bird? It fell out of a tree. . .

S: And you nursed it back to health? I did that once. Now, wasn't that a good feeling? And I'm sure you felt good about it.

Y: Not when it flew offone day and didn't come back. That's ingratitude!

S: That's an animal you're talking about, not a human.

V: Yeah, humans are worse. They give you a swift kick before they walk out on you.

S: You must realize that you're exaggerating everything that you say. Life could not possibly be half as bad as you picture it. I know.

V: You can't see it, can you? You can't see the futility, the meaninglessness of your own existence. That amazes me, it really does.

S: You know that I have to play the other side of the fence with you. I realize that I emphasize the good as much as you exaggerate the bad.

V: You don't realize how much truer my side really is. I guess then that that's it. We've reached an impasse. Now, it's the big decision time.

S: Come on, after all that, you're not going to. . .

V: Maybe, maybe not. But it's time to decide one way or another. You've been a big help there. We got a lot of things talked out. Like you said, we're so much alike, more alike than you'd ever know. You know, you should study some more psychology. The subconscious mind is a tricky thing to play with.

S: What's all this talk? You're suddenly acting strangely.

V: I've been strange since I called. You just can't comprehend it. You've tried to relate to me and you've related more than you'll ever want. If you want to get in touch with me, one way or another, you'll have to call.

S: (Frantic) How? I don't know your name, your number. For pity's sake...

V: Just remember what uncle Henry told you when you were eight years old at Granny's funeral. Bye. (Hangs up phone. Blackout stage.)

ACT III has the same stage setting. The spots start on the phones and open up to find that Steve is the caller.

V: Hello?

S: I don't know who or what you are. . .

V: Now just a minute. You mean to tell me that you don't know who you are talking to?

S: Listen, I just decided to try calling my own apartment on some crazy notion and now you've answered the phone. This is crazy, absolutely crazy!

V: What's so crazy about a guy answering his own phone?

S: But that's my phone! What are you doing in my apartment?

V: A man's home is his castle.

S: Exactly. (pauses, then realizes who is on the other end ofthe line. Starts to get frantic.) No...

V: (Calmly) Yes.

S: how can this be happening to me?

V: The same way it can be happening to me. That's what you get for pulling out of life.

S: But I enjoy life! It doesn't work, it can't be happening, it's against the rules! (Pounds on table)

V: What rules? Who makes the rules, Stevie boy? Stevie boy, you always hated that name, Stevie boy. "Go out and play, Stevie boy, we're going to the Wilkerson's for a cocktail party and then to Europe in the morning. Ta-ta, Stevie boy, we'll see you in four months."

S: (Screaming) Stop it!

(Drops the phone. Lighting person will have to be very careful to keep Voice's face in the shadows. Voice comes over to Steve's side of the stage, remaining in the darkness, but visible to the audience. Have both actors dress in exactly the same clothes, and then just make sure Voice's face is not illuminated.)

V: Who's crazy now?

S: Who are you? (Stares at Voice)

V: (Calmly) Who are you, Steven? Who are you?

S: I don't know anymore! What is all this?

V: It looks like the beginning of a nervous breakdown to me. Come on, it's not all that bad. Calm down and talk to me.

S: (Collapses in seat) I can't believe this.

V: You better believe it. Look at it this way, now you've got someone to talk to. "Don't talk to yourself unless you've got money in the bank." Remember, Steve? Even then, you and Uncle Henry knew. And Uncle Henry's dead - a yachting accident, wasn't it?

S: Yes. (Glassy eyed, childish smile creeps across his face.) Yeah, Uncle henry, he knew.

V: But mother and father - they never knew. They never saw. No one else could guess. And now, finally, I'm here.

S: You can't be.

V: But I am. And I'm staying.

S: You can't stay. There's only one of us. The world can't hold us both. I was here first. I am me! (Stands up.)

V: You're only part. I fill the other part. Without me you're not complete. You're half a man.

S: I'm going insane.

V: You are insane. I am insane. We've been crazy since we were born - June 3, 1977, 3:43 AM. We made mother get up in the middle of the night. She never forgave us for that. Too bad they couldn't get a maid to bear us to avoid the bother.

S: You can't be me.

V: Like I said, I'm only part of you, us. You are only a part too. Together, we are you. Apart...

S: We are nothing. What can we do?

V: I don't know about you, but I've been waiting for years to get loose and stretch my legs.

S: But you called. You were going to kill us.

V: (Total change of character, from strong to weak.) Yes. I waited, and now I'm so weak, so afraid. Not as afraid as you.

S: (Becoming stronger, less afraid. Steve and Voice alternate strength and weakness, like yin and yang.) I'm beginning to understand now. You mentioned schizophrenia before and now I see it. My personality has split in two.

V: Our personality.

S: No, my personality. I am the original. You are a shadow, almost an illusion. Yet not. You have substance, being. I need you.

V: I don't need you. I'm going back to the apartment. I'm going to pack my bags and leave.

S: You can never leave. You need me even more than I need you. You and I will die without each other. You must come back. Return from where you came or we're both doomed.

V: (Getting desperate.) No! I'll never come back! I must leave.

S: You're weak. You're on the verge of dying. Your substance is dissolving. That is why you called. There is no other choice and you know it.

V: It can't be.

S: We're running around in circles. I am getting weak too. Now I realize what is happening. We must join now. It's getting late. Soon, we will no longer be able to. (Steps toward Voice.)

V: No! Stay away! I'll destroy us both!

S: How can you? You don't have the power. You're too weak.

V: You don't need to be strong to use Uncle Henry's hunting knife. We kept it in good condition. I always wondered why I oiled it every year. After all, we never used it for anything. Just stared at it . . . The ivory handle is shiny, the metal blade glints in the light. (Shows knife.)

S: Come on, you won't use it.

V: Want to bet?

S : You can't kill yourself. You have only existed for a few short hours. You can't let go so quickly.

V: Yes I can. I've wanted to do this for years. And you stopped me, stopped yourself. Not this time, not this time. . .

S: (Takes another step toward Voice.) Put the knife down. Better yet, give it to me. Can't you feel the strain. . . You're getting weaker, your fear is overcoming you.

V : You can't talk me out of it.

S: If you kill yourself, you kill me.

V: I want to kill you! You have kept me pent up, chained inside. I've broken free!

S: But look at you. What has your freedom brought you? You cannot exist without me. You need to come back.

V: You need me back. You don't want me, but you need me back. I'm going to free myself from you once and for all.

S: If you kill yourself, you are not :tree. We will unite once again in death. (Approaches slowly.) Give me the knife!

V: (Raises the knife with a shaky hand.) I warn you. . .

S: (Staggering.) We feel so weak. Time is running short. We must unite. Think, man! You are weakening, destroying yourself. You don't need the knife. We are dying now without each other. I beg you. Come back!

V: I'll never come back. I've come too far for that.

S: Have you, have you really? What did you do, where did you go? Youjust had one big joke, calling me up. That's that. Is that living? You call that life?

V: But I'm free, I'm free. I've become. . .

S: What have you become? You can't do anything by yourself. We need each other. Together, we can work out anything. Nothing is too tough for us. But now you can feel the substance draining away, can't you? I know, I feel weaker too. There's some point where we won't be able to rejoin, we'll be too weak. Then we'll both die.

V: I must be free!

S: You were always free. You were free inside of me. I let you see, hear, taste. You knew what was going on and why. We worked as a team. Everyone had a say.

V: But I want more than that.

S: Well, so do I! But it can't be helped. That's the way things are. Those are the rules.

V: Rules, rules. Why must it always be the rules?

S: Because that's what it's all about. If we don't play by our rules, we play by somebody else's rules. There's no escape. Some things just don't go away. Even if you plunged that knife into your heart right now, you'd be playing somebody's game by the rules.

V: I want to play my own game! I want to live my own life!

S: No one lives their own life. Life is lived by everyone - mother, father, Uncle Henry - they live our life. You live our life as well. We can live our life together.

V: They can't live our life if I use the knife. (Staggers.) We are getting weak.

S: Time is running short. We must unite. You can't fight yourself! (Holds palm out to Voice.)

[Silence. Voice's hand wavers with the knife. He slowly lowers it as if stabbing himself in slow motion, his arm still shaking. At the last minute, he drops the knife in the palm of Steve's hand and collapses on him, sobbing.]

S: (Comforting him.) It's OK, you'll be fine now, we'll be fine. Welcome home!

[Lights out]