Jokes

You might just be a Band Geek…

When you hear music and you start marking time.
When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
When all your friends are in the band.
When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
When you like wearing your uniform.
When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my trombone?"
When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
When people worry when they see you without your instrument.
When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
When band camp is FUN
When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head up.
When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to Breathe.
When slides feel normal.
When your instrument has a name.
When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
When you give your instrument a birthday party.
When you can make brown shoes look white.
When your uniform fits.
When white feathers become a fashion "do".
When you see your section more than you see your family.
When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want To kill the other band.
When you think evening practices should last a half hour longer.
When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
When you CAN sight-read.
When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
When reeds taste good.
When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
When numbers past 8 aren't important.
When you're more opinionated about the Madison Scouts/Phantom Regiment Rivalry than the war in Kosovo.
When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.
When you'd rather practice than read this list.
When letters past G aren't important.
When you get the jokes on this list.
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A drummer went to the music shop. When the salesman saw him he asked "what can I do for you?"
"Well," said the drummer, "I'm tired of everyone saying I'm dumb just because I'm a drummer so I decided I'd come down here and pick out a new instrument to play."
"Okay," said the salesman," if you need help just ask."
After looking around the store the drummer came back to the counter and said,"I think I've decided. I'll take that red trumpet there and that accordian over there."
"Well," said the salesman, "you can take the fire extingisher but you can't have my radiator."

Sometimes it is hard to get our act together. Somewhere I read a story about a concert held in Philadelphia. One of the movements featured a flute solo that was to be played as if coming from a distance. The conductor had instructed the flutist to stand offstage where he was to count the measures precisely in order to come in at the exact time, since there could be no visual contact between the conductor and the soloist.
On the performance night when the time came for the flute solo, the flutist began exactly. The fine, lilting notes floated out beautifully. Then, suddenly there was a pinching sour note and the soloist was silent for the rest of the piece. The conductor was outraged and at the end of the piece he rushed off stage to find the poor flutist. The player was prepared.
"Maestro," he said, "before you say anything let me tell you what happened, but really, you're not going to believe it. You know I came in accurately, and everything was going beautifully, when, suddenly, this enormous stage hand ran up, grabbed away my flute, and pushed me back, saying, "Shut up, you idiot! Don't you know there's a concert going on out there?"

--------------- Musician Jokes (in score order)
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing a unison.
Q: How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: How can you tell an oboist is at your front door?
A: By the Domino's Pizza hat.
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon.
After intermission the bassoonist was told to pick up his instrument, so he took it out for dinner and a show.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q: How do you get a clarinetist from a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs to do it.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.
Q: What's the difference between a jazz saxophonist and an AK-47 assault rifle?
A: The AK-47 only repeats 100 times a minute.
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax? A: Add vibrato.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. (Of course, they can only do it in a practice room.)
Q: How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to swing.
Q: If the piece is in 'A' and you have trumpets in 'D', where do the trumpets go?
A: In the case. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.
Q: What do you call a house occupied by five hornists?
A: A crack house.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead?
A: One.
Conductor: "Back to bar one." Hornist: "My part isn't numbered."
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to customize the switch.
Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to use the slide.
Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to do it too loud.
Trumpet players use three fingers, euphoniumists four, and tuba players as many as five; but trombonists use seven positions.
Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
A: You-phone-`em.
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
A: About five yards.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2".
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll be looking for a bigger bulb.
Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."
Q: Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (They have machines to do that now.)
Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: He rushes.
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A: "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.
Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate.
Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist?
A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: How do you get a violist to play a down-bow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
A: Both screw up Boeings.
Q: How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
A: Just one, but you must slice him very thin.
A violinist and violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first?
The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.
Requirements for the 2nd round of the Int'l Viola Competition: Holding the viola by memory.
"The violist is the hermaphrodite of the orchestra." -- Thomas Beecham.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse inside.
Q: Why are orchestral intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
A bass player we know was so bad that even the section noticed.
Q: How many coloraturas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Her agent does that.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.?
A: You can negotiate with the P.L.O.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Q: How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A: She just holds it and the world revolves around her.
Q: How do you frustrate a soprano?
A: Ask her to read music.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Not being on birth control, the soprano tells the sax player to pull out, to which he replies, "Why, am I sharp?"
The soprano section -- alias, the nosebleed section.
Q: What's the difference between an alto and a dressmaker?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.
Q: How do you know if an alto is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.
Q: How do you get an alto into a VW Bug?
A: Grease her hips and leave a twinkie on the dash.
Q: What's the difference between a stuck-up soprano and a stuck-up tenor?
A: Two octaves.
Q: What do a woman in labor and a tenor have in common?
A: They both strain.
Q: Why aren't tenors allowed to marry violinists?
A: Their offspring would be too dumb to play out of tune.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end-to-end... it would be a good idea.
Q: What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A start.
Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?
A: More quicksand.
Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 oz. (not including the urn.)
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and a conductor and had a gun with only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice.
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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to conductor -- is told he is dead -- calls back 25 times -- same message from receptionist -- receptionist asks why he keeps calling -- "I just like to hear you say it."
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- We know a guy who was so dumb his music teacher gave him two sticks and made him a drummer, but he lost one and became a conductor.
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A band director avoided being struck by lightning even though he stayed on his aluminum ladder in a thunderstorm. (Seems he wasn't a good conductor.)
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We took a collection for our band director's funeral asking $50 from community leaders. We got $100 with a note to bury two of them.
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- A musician is surprised to see Toscannini in heaven. Peter tells him it's God, but he thinks he's Toscannini.
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Q: How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.
Q: Why are music critics' columns bad choices to line the bottom of a bird cage?
A: It's too hard to distinguish the droppings from the writing.
Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic?
A: A bad review.
Q: How many critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They work in the dark.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
Q: What has 32 feet and an I.Q. of 83?
A: A flag corp.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.
Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.
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Told to turn on his amp, the guitar player stroked it slowly while saying, "I love you."
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A guitarist was so Baroque, he robbed a music store and ran off with the lute. His percussionist friend took a drum and beat it.
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A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B' string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.
---------------
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed one he knew.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and an accordion?
A: If you put them in Tradin' Times, you can sell the lawnmower.
Q: How do you know the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
A: He doesn't stop even after you answer.
Q: How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two, three... one, two, three.
Q: How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirty-five. "YOU GOTTA' PROBLEM WIT' DAT?"
Q: "Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"
A:"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Q: What does New Age Music sound like when played backwards?
A: New Age Music.
Q: What does a SCUD missile and a DJ have in common?
A: Both are easy to fire and you don't care where they land.
The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks and became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
Q: Know what Beethoven is doing today?
A: Decomposing.
Q: What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today?
A: Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Bach had 22 kids because he had no stops on his organ.
I'm tired of all this sax and violins on public television.
June the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque. Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam knew the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office. Having too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal without their instruments. June told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco." [if you don't get it, think Tony Bennett]
These jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them. The make me Lizstless. They can be too Mendlesohm. You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.
Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one! (All the rest are true.)
Definitions:
Accidentals: Wrong notes.
Agitato: State of mind when your valve sticks.
Augmented fifth: 36 oz. bottle.
Breve: A sustained note when you run out of bow.
Cantus firmus: Part you get when you only know four notes.
Detache: Trombonists play with slides removed.
Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.
Glissando: A violinist's technique for difficult runs.
Optimist: A trumpet player who carries a beeper.
Perfect Pitch: Throwing a piccolo in the toilet without hitting the rim.
Senza sordino: You forgot to use your mute in the last passage.
String quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist, and someone who hates violin getting together to complain about composers.

If you'd like the latest up-date, e-mail ah472@freenet.HSC.Colorado.edu. Please e-mail good additions. Xerox to your heart's content. Version 2.0 31 August 1994

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