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JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away
suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair
and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.
My husband just walked in the door."
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Random Thoughts
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If there, is no way for something to go wrong, it will anyway.
If left to itself, things will go from bad to worse.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
ENDLESS LOVE: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Don't worry about the world ending today ...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
You should have hobbies. I have a large sea shell collection, I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?
A Man usually feels better after a few winks,especially if she winks back.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 propositiondoesn't understand two things: 1.Women2.Fractions
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Some Stephen Wright Jokes...
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
The above is taken from jokeshelp@jokes4u.com
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