Washinton, D.C. (WEB Wire Service) December 7, 2001 - The White House rose garden was the venue for the announcement of the Child Security Card. Ms. Mary Elizabeth Aitcheson (formerly known as Tipper Gore), the Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare made the announcement and showed a 10 foot by 5 foot picture of the new national card designed for the increased safety of children.
"This card contains vital information that is so necessary for the safety of our children", she said.
The card will contain the finger prints of the owner, a DNA analysis, the complete work history, tax information, genealogy, voting records, and the new ethnic classification.
"This card is so important for our citizens that we have required that all citizens have the card by Monday. The cards will be available at all Motor Vehicle Offices, banks, and Democratic Party headquarters across the country. People should not delay in getting their cards because the card will be necessary to buy food on the following Thursday. The computer systems are in place and all retail businesses are required to use the card before any purchase can be made. The social impact of the new card will be wonderful. No longer will underage youth be able to purchase cigarettes or pornographic magazines. The new age for cigarette purchase is 21 and magazines 15, the Larry Flynt amendment. These requirements are in the bill just passed by the House and Senate and I am happy to introduce Senators Rodham (D, N.Y.) and Hatch (R, UT) who took the lead in passing the Rodham-Hatch Act."
The Senators struggled for a moment over the microphone but Senator Rodham finally gained control after appearing to have stepped on Senator Hatch's foot. Hatch recovered his composure and made a gentlemanly gesture towards Rodham.
"I am so happy that my first piece of legislation in the Senate had bipartisan support and will do so much for children", she said.
"With this card many of the fears of our citizen will be removed. No longer will 'identity thieves' be able to steal the identity and resources of an individual. No longer will fat addicts buy food that is deleterious to their health. The Commerce Department will have exact data on all purchases being able to come to the aid of industries that have weak sales and thereby rectify public fads with government planning. We also now have a system in place to institute a national lottery, keep track of all guns, knives over four inches, claw hammers, and chain saws. The IRS will be able to track overspending, a sure sign of money from illicit businesses. And perhaps the most important feature of the card, the ETH classification. This classification will be used in all job applications and priority, not quota, will be given to those with the ETH that conforms most closely to the requirements of the job. The classification is a complex algorithm that includes race, ethnicity, place of birth, first language, right or left handness, color and texture of hair, blood type and Rh factor, family structure (single parent, village parent, or abnormal male/female parents), English language deficiency, ADD syndrome, height, weight, body fat, and standard scores on midnight basketball proficiency tests", the New York Senator said.
Senator Hatch took the microphone and described the free market aspects of the ETH card.
"In a major bipartisan effort, we have effected a commodity market for the ETH classification. Individuals will be able to buy and sell their ETH classification on a new commodity market at the Chicago Board of Trade. In this way the free market will make the ETH classification fair. To prevent ETH hoarding only one ETH will be allowed for any individual and all agreements will include the swapping of ETH with the payment for the more desirable ETH. The price will be fully negotiable. There will be a small government charge for processing and the broker will receive normal fees", he announced.
President Gore and Vice-President Gephardt then assumed center stage. President Gore tripped on a folding chair but was steadied by the Vice-President.
"I invented the card", the President said beaming from ear to ear. "The design was completely mine but since I've been so busy doing the people's business, I let Dr-Prof. Moltke of Potsdam implement it. Dr-Prof. Moltke is eminently qualified to do this since he was head of State Security in the old East Germany. He had some funny name for it, StaatSicherheitGleichheitKarte, that had the acronym of SS card. But I like to call it The Kid Kare Kard or KKK for short. Here is the Veep to let you in on some of our plans".
"Thank you Mr. President", said Mr. Gephardt. "We have now a design for the Mark VI version. It will, using GPS, allow us to know where everyone is at all times. This will be for the safety of all Americans not just the children. Child abductions will be a thing of the past and Americans should thank the Democratic Party for steadfastly trying to make America a safer place. The old question 'where are your children, tonight?' will now have an answer for a small processing fee. All the Internet Service Providers are required to provide this service as part of their license agreement for using the nation's electrons. And the fact that the Republicans voted overwhelmingly for the appropriation just shows that America is behind this safety legislation. It will be a brave new world. You can count on that".
See the accompaning story on page B4 concerning the knockoff ETH cards being produced in Tijuana and Hong Kong.
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