Taft, CA (WEB Wire Service) March 13, 2002 - An alleged environmental terrorist was arrested today after a car chase through
the small town of Dustin Acres, CA, in the Central Valley. The county sheriff, California highway patrol officers, and members
of the Environmental Security Service blocked the escape of Abner Duffle, 59, who was driving a 1963 Pinto. This was the first
arrest for agents of the ESS (pronounced e-SS), the recently formed environmental quasi military force, equivalent to a
combination of the ATF and the Postal Service. The authorization for the ESS was in an obscure paragraph of the appropriation
bill that established the Clinton Trust. A search of Duffle's home was looking for connections to an international ring for the sale
of environmentally protected creatures. His video tapes, computer, and computer disks have been sent to Washington for analysis
but a preliminary investigation has revealed foreign purchasers of protected species. The heroine of the whole affair is Martha
Alice Blender, a single parent, who at the age of 89 has become the darling of the environmental movement. President Gore has
already invited her to the White House for an overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom. Ms. Blender called the sheriff when she observed
Mr. Duffle's car making numerous trips past her house which fronts on Taft Road. Her granddaughter, 15, reported that Martha
Alice thought it was the granddaughter's boyfriend, who had recently made the granddaughter pregnant, but it actually was Mr.
Duffle. The ESS found a net attached to the front of the Pinto allegedly for the capture of protected butterflies that frequent the
area between Bakersfield and Taft. Helmut Gant, the senior ESS agent-in-charge, was gleeful after the capture of Mr. Duffle.
"We have caught an eco-terrorist who would have trashed the order of Lepidoptera, thanks to a wonderful, courageous woman.
We have information showing a connection to European collectors of endangered species and we have alerted InterPol. There is
also a report that the Russian Mafia is involved." Mr. Duffle is being held at the Federal Prison in
Taft. Residents of the area said that Mr. Duffle was a prominent citizen and were astonished that he was arrested.
"They don't know who they are fooling with," said a neighbor. "He owns two thousand oil wells here
about and is a big contributor to political parties. He even gave the land to the government where the prison is. Besides we all have
nets on our cars. Those butterflies will ruin your paint job in nothing flat." Apparently, Mr. Duffle
was able to make his one phone call and there are reports from Los Angeles that JOHNNIE L. COCHRAN, JR. is on a plane to Bakersfield
with a writ. An associate of JOHNNIE L. COCHRAN, JR., with information gleaned through the freedom of information act, held a news
conference in Washington and charged that there was a bureaucratic snafu when the order of Lepidoptera was added to the
endangered list. Sources at the Environmental Protection Agency admitted that an intern had mistakenly copied Lepidoptera when
Lepidosauria should have been placed on the list.
"These mistakes are bound to happen," said a spokesperson on condition of anonymity. "We now have 89% of all living creatures
on the endangered list and it has grown so large that our limited computer resources can't handle it. Congress has been very
niggardly. Of course, sending all those peace keepers to Sierra Leone, Gambia, Sri Lanka, Guinea-Bissau, Vanuatu, and Ulan Bator hasn't helped funding".
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