What is Retrosexuality???
My Retrosexuality is defined by the following Retrosexual code:
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only
because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a
natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live,
but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I
salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have
several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2
endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang.
Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you
becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such
as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak woodchipper
accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT
allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was
busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Cowboy up, pussy.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal
himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to
bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on
drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn
nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to
what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be
launched off the bed (or if Hooters hot wings have been recently consumed, lose
a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and
you won't mess with ours period.
A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under
protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get
some Hagen-Daas while your at it.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking
gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a
beer and a shot of scotch??
A Retrosexual doesn't get squeamish about
having to DEAL with a pest animal, even if he has to kill it.
A Retrosexual does NOT use unisex perfume. The brand of after shave his dad used
is good enough for him.
Retrosexuals build and fix stuff. If you can't change a light switch, install a
ceiling fan, fix a broken toilet or build a tree house, learn how.
A Retrosexual teaches his children how to deal with bullies in a way that
doesn't involve "examining the other child's motivation for aggressiveness".
A Retrosexual does not wear designer clothing (unless it is a really nice suit
to impress a potential mate).
A Retrosexual knows what sex is and doesn't need a Democrat to define it for
him.
A Retrosexual meets the young men his daughter she dates at the door and lets
them know that Dad is the barrier method that will prevent the young man from
attempting to get into his daughter's pants.
A Retrosexual man owns an adequate variety
of tools to accomplish whatever his next task might be. He has command over all
he owns and can readily describe his next likely tool purchase. A rolling
toolbox of at least his own height is a manly minimum.
A Retrosexual man owns at least 10 saws, of which a minimum of three of them are
capable of immediate and permanent bodily harm. He is comfortable with chainsaws
and can readily disassemble, clean, tune and reassemble them in an efficient
manner.
A Retrosexual man owns at least 6 hammers and can clearly define the weight and
purposes of each. He understands clearly the phrase “use the right tool for the
job”.
A Retrosexual man is not to be reckoned with lightly. He possesses the ability
to deal with it and if you happen to be “it” then you should watch your tone or
be dealt with accordingly.
A Retrosexual man does not take advantage of lesser individuals simply because
he can, but should he witness another attempting the same he’ll have little
mercy on said bully.
A Retrosexual man has complete disgust for the entirety of our liberal media
who’s weak minded ploy to “protect” all of the world’s minorities leaves them no
one they are allowed to castigate as a group except the white males of the
world. Screw the media and all of the fay actors getting rich portraying weak,
shallow, dimwitted and effeminate roles that ruin our children’s standards of
what real Americans should be.
A Retrosexual man doesn’t care if you agree with him or not. His opinion his not
changed to suit the ears of the local audience.
A Retrosexual man does not care to be bothered with the annoying nuances of
being politically correct. Fuck them if they don’t like what I’m saying.
A Retrosexual man is not ashamed of his body nor of the sounds and smells the
might emanate from it. He doesn’t mind cleaning up or dressing nice as the
occasion may warrant but also understands the therapeutic value in a well
rendered belch. In public or not.
A Retrosexual man not only knows about guns and ammunition but also is a skilled
marksman. Do not take him lightly, dying slowly is a lot more painful and he
knows it.
A Retrosexual man understands the vapid emasculating power of the city and
spends significant effort to remove himself to the fresh air of the hills as
frequently as possible.
A Retrosexual man can master any vehicle that he happens across, be it on land,
snow, water or air, 2 wheels, 3 wheels, 4 wheels, 18 wheels, or no wheels.
A Retrosexual man does not add fancy chrome where it is not needed for essential
metal protection. His vehicles are purpose driven and rarely show signs of
“dressing up”. If he drives a 4WD truck or jeep then it is dirty on a routine
basis. It also shows scars from being used for its built purpose. And he does
not care about these scars except as a show of pride that the vehicle has earned
its stripes.
A Retrosexual man does not mind being alone. The company of others is pleasant
but not required. He has no use for meaningless banter for the simple sake of
conversation. Take your idle prattle elsewhere.
A Retrosexual man can start a fire with or without any assistance from matches,
lighters or fuel. And he can do so with a minimum of effort using a wide variety
of locally available resources.
A Retrosexual man can tie knots. Steadfast knots. Different ones as required to
suit his purpose. He also knows about the different properties of ropes and
which are best suited for different applications.
A Retrosexual man can use a knife. Any knife. And his knives are always sharp.
His preferred pocket knife is the Swiss army knife but not the fancy ass version
that contains 47 blades, a magnifying glass and two shades of lip gloss. One
with a main blade, a saw blade, a can opener, a beer opener and a corkscrew will
suffice. He can routinely use his knife to create things or to destroy things,
all with equal aplomb.
A Retrosexual man can open his beer with a wide variety of tools, including his
belt, and do so in less than 10 seconds.
A Retrosexual man understands sports. Not all sports but all essential sports.
Who gives a shit about jai alai or women’s badminton or even the esoteric
aspects of cricket and don’t get me started on that crap called rhythmic
gymnastics. He can explain the strategies of the 2 minute drill, why pitch count
should affect pitch location or why fuel stop timing can affect winning. He is
at least marginally capable of playing virtually any sport or game that involves
the use of a ball.
A Retrosexual man doesn’t mind getting dirty. A little dirt never hurt anyone.
Only girls and whiny metrosexuals are paranoid about dirt. Antibacterial soap is
highly overrated and he is not inclined to use it without a compelling reason.
Men lived for thousands of years without washing their hands every fifteen
minutes.
A Retrosexual man is personally responsible for all aspects of his life and
doesn’t seek to blame others for the wrongs and injustices in his life. He deals
with them.
A Retrosexual man is in touch with his feelings and he doesn’t feel obliged to
share them with some nosy female who wants him as her emotional companion.
That’s what her girlfriends are for. Leave him alone and he’ll tell you when
it’s OK to interrupt.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with
fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills
are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often
essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.
(Maybe all this means you are actually just a man, without some "-sexual" title?)
Thanks to Terry for the excellent additional ideas!!!
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