A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says: "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk." ----------------------------------------------------- A woman charged with a traffic violation stated her occupation as school teacher. The judge rose from the bench, "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now sit at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." ----------------------------------------------------- OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. ----------------------------------------------------- Prison Vs. Work IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share. IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers. ----------------------------------------------------- There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. ----------------------------------------------------- THE POPE AND MOISHE About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.' ----------------------------------------------------- On Married Life: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ----------------------------------------------------- Answering Machine Greeting: Hi. This is Bob. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ----------------------------------------------------- A Little Male Bashing Never Hurts (too badly) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ----------------------------------------------------- A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah....?" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?" ----------------------------------------------------- Just How Dumb Can Dumb Be? Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." ----------------------------------------------------- DEFENDANT: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. JUDGE: And why is that? DEFENDANT: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. JUDGE (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? PUBLIC DEFENDER: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ----------------------------------------------------- A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!" ----------------------------------------------------- JUDGE: Please identify yourself for the record. DEFENDANT: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. JUDGE: What does the "Colonel" stand for? DEFENDANT: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a darned Thing. ----------------------------------------------------- Techno Humor... 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." ----------------------------------------------------- Good News, Bad News... A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news." The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor. Horrified, the man asked: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you yesterday." ----------------------------------------------------- JUDGE: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? DEFENDANT: Habitual thirstiness? ----------------------------------------------------- Religious Bras A woman shopping for a bra went into a local department store and asked the sales clerk if they had any on sale. The sales clerk replied that they had a sale on religious bras this week. The woman, somewhat perplexed, asked the sales clerk to please explain the differences. The sales clerk replied, "We have a Catholic bra on sale, it holds the mass. Then there is the Pentecostal bra that is very uplifting. Lastly, there is the Baptist bra, which makes mountains out of mole hills." ----------------------------------------------------- German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Polish scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Poles 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. ----------------------------------------------------- A mother was having a very difficult time getting her son out of bed in the morning. He covered his head and said he just couldn't get up and go to school. She said, "Johnny, give me two reasons why you shouldn't go to school today." He answered, "The kids all hate me and all the teachers hate me." She replied, "Maybe that's what you think, but you have to get up and go to school." He said, "Give me two good reasons why I should go to school today." She said, "Okay, Johnny. #1 because you are 40 years old, and #2 because you are the principal!" -----------------------------------------------------