• If guns cause crime, cameras must cause child pornography! Ban cameras!

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

• Do I look like a freakin' people person?

• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?

• You! Off my planet!

• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

• Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

• Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

• And just how may I screw you over today?

• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

• A PBS mind in an MTV world.

• Allow me to introduce my selves.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

• Better living through denial.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

• Adult child of alien invaders.

• Do they ever shut up on your planet?

• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.

• After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

• Back off! You're standing in my aura.

• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

• Adults are just kids who owe money.

• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

• A woman's favorite position is CEO.

• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

• You look like shit. Is that the style now?

• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

• Earth is full. Go home.

• Is it time for your medication or mine?

• Does this condom make me look fat?

• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

• I plead contemporary insanity.

• And which dwarf are you?

• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• How do I set a laser printer to stun?

• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

• Meandering to a different drummer.

• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• Rule 37:
  There is no such thing as 'overkill'.
  There is only 'Open Fire', and 'I need to reload'.