If you want your company to go home,
So that you can be alone,
Don't beat them till they bleed,
Just drag out some poetry to read.

And after reading two or three,
Alone you'll certainly be.
So to get that company steppin',
Use poetry as a weapon.


When we describe happiness
Or our emotional pain,
Why do we credit the heart
When these come from the brain?

When we are rejected,
That emotional thud
Comes from the brain,
The heart just pumps blood.

And when we succeed
In life's hustle and bustle,
It's the brain that feels joy,
The heart is just a muscle.

To credit the heart,
And slight the brain,
Is just not right;
It seems such a shame.

But it would be difficult
To right this great wrong
Because we'd have to change the words
To so many songs.

And if this were done,
They wouldn't sound the same.
Can you imagine
An "Achy Breaky Brain?"

Even Toni Braxton
Woulda sounded lame,
had proclaimed,
"Unbreak My Brain."

And can you imagine
A bigger fiasco
Than "I Left My Brain
In San Francisco?"

So although it is improper
And scientifically wrong,
We must keep it like it is
For the sake of all these songs.


I drove home from work
In a cold, winter storm.
My cat crawled under the hood
To keep dry and warm.

I got back into my car
To drive to the store.
I do not have
That cat any more.


Each Sunday of my youth,
In church I would be,
Seated on the pew
With my family.

But I was easily bored
By the preacher's sermon,
So I engaged my fantasy
To keep from squirmin'.

My favorite daydream,
And I had quite a few,
Was to mentally undress
The woman in the next pew.

She was older than me,
So sexy and fine,
And she would never know
What we did in my mind.

I guess this was wrong,
But I was so bored,
And far to horney
To worship the lord.


Armegeddon is coming
Give the devil his due.
And watch it all
On pay-per-view!


After class one day,
I heard a student say
That I was a mother fucker!
I told him, “No way!”

But at a PTA meeting,
I changed my mind.
I met the kid’s mother,
And she was really fine.

That taught me a lesson.
Now, when called this obscenity,
I ask to see a picture
Before I disagree.


I met a mime
Who bothered me so,
That I decided
He had to go.

So I looked for a hit man
To eliminate the mime.
But none would do it;
It was too heinous a crime.

Why does killing a mime
Cause hit men such distaste?
It is because a mime
Is a terrible thing to waste.


When I want some advise
To set myself straight,
I find that bumper stickers
Are really great.

Once I thought it might be fun
To get really drunk and drive.
But thanks to a bumper sticker
I'm still alive.

I was mad about our country;
Some motorist was going to pay!
But just in time I read
That they voted the other way.

I was on the horns of a dilemma;
Would it be a hug or a drug for my kid?
But a bumper sticker set me straight;
It sure as hell did!

Should I support our troops,
Or those of the enemy?
Bumper stickers helped to make
That tough decision for me.

I felt like messing with a state.
I thought that Texas would be great.
But bumper stickers gave me a clue
That this was not the thing to do.

And there is no better way
To boast or educate
Than to say it with bumper stickers
Next to your license plate.

Which parents have smart kids?
Which ones have fools?
Bumper stickers tell us
If they have honor students in school.

How did they get that fine RV
To travel low and high?
It was their children's inheritance
They used to make that buy.

And when I am in traffic,
Nothing benefits me more
Than knowing what the motorist ahead
Is dedicated to brake for.

Do they love Jesus?
Have they been again born?
I know this by whether
They are honking their horn.

And it always makes me feel
Just as dumb as a post
When I read that I'm following
"Too damn close."

I always stop;
I don't laugh any more,
When I read
"At least it's paid for."

And I know it's the truth;
I have to agree,
They maybe slow,
But they're ahead of me.

Which candidate to vote for?
Which amusement park to see?
These are among the ways
These stickers influence me.

And, they can be useful
When you put them in place
AFTER the election
In the sheriff's race.

"Support Your State Troopers,"
On your bumper you stick it,
And hope it will help you
Get out of a ticket.

"Semper Fi,"
It must be a Marine.
"Feces Occur,"
We know what that means!

So who needs books?
Who needs the internet?
Educationally speaking,
Bumper stickers are best.

So when my son asked to go to college,
Saying an education he was needin',
I said, "Get your ass out on the road
And start doing some readin'!"

Because of its location,
those who have a fine rear,
find it's not as easy as a face
to look at in the mirror.

But if you take a looking glass
and hold it over your shoulder,
then you can admire at last
the beauty in the behind of the beholder.

Gravity is the law
Which holds people down.
It causes our feet
The pavement to pound.

It makes our chins
Droop and sag.
Beautiful breasts
Become like tea bags.

And why is it
That we can't fly?
Gravity,
That's why!

Gravity is the reason
Things plummet and break.
It makes leaves fall
So that we have to rake.

It is the reason
We can't jump over things.
It is why the fall
Must follow the spring.

It is unconstitutional,
To say the least,
It discriminates against
The weak and obese.

But although it seems
That this law isn't fair,
It keeps all the crap
From floating in the air.

It is sad, but true
That gravity we need
So that we all
May continue to breath.



I didn't want to leave.
I wanted to stay;
But wild horses
Drove me away.

I wanted to come,
But dog-gone-it! 
Wild horses
Kept me from it.

I should have known
They were up to good
When wild horses moved
Into my neighborhood.

And ever since
The wild horses came
They make me do
All kinds of things.

Those damned wild horses;
Those son's of guns.
They will not allow me
To get things done.

They won't let me rake
Or mow the yard,
Visit my in-laws
Or do chores that are hard.

They make me stay inside
And drink and eat,
sit in my chair
And prop up my feet,

And watch TV,
Press buttons on the remote,
And feed the wild horses
Sugar and oats.



When something bad happens,
When things are not nice,
Someone will say,
"That's life."

But when something good happens,
When things are at their best,
No one ever says:
"That's death."

What this implies
Is very sad,
It is that both life
And death are bad.

If life and death
Are both a crock,
It would be better
To be a rock.

My dog died the other day;
I am so sad that he is dead.
It was one of those freaky things;
The toilet seat fell on his head.


Goldilocks is a career criminal.
She's sure to do hard time
For breaking and entering, destroying property
And leaving the scene of a crime.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch water in a pail.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And sued the owner of the well.

Jack Horner, who sat in the corner,
Sued his mother for a grand.
He claimed that she was negligent
For letting him eat pie with his hand.

The Wolf's attorney proved in court
That Red Riding Hood gave him a map.
He was acquitted for eating Granny
Because he was entrapped.

The judge awarded the three blind mice
Ownership of the farmer's farm.
Because the farmer's wife, with a knife,
Intentionally inflicted them harm.

The Dumpty family
Will almost certainly sue.
They don't think Humpty fell,
But was pushed by Little Boy Blue.

London Bridge is falling down.
The fair ladies will sue the heck
Out of both the construction company
And the architect.

Jack wasn't very nimble,
And he wasn't that quick.
Jack knocked over
The candlestick.

Jack was charged
At his arraignment
With arson
And reckless endangerment.

The old woman in the shoe
Knew what to do--she went to court!
Now she takes care of her children
With additional child support.

Who killed Cock Robin?
The jury couldn't say.
On the Sparrow's arrow
Was not a trace of DNA.

With their history of being abused,
No jury would ever convict
Hansel and Gretel of eating a cottage
And killing off the witch.

Two of the Three Little Pigs
Sued the wolf to recover rent,
And when they won their case
Their lawyers took seventy percent.


I do not belong;
I cannot win.
I am an outsider
Looking in.

My thoughts, my skills,
My wit, my deeds
Are, sadly, things
That nobody needs.

This world was not made
For someone like me.
There is no lock
For which I am the key.

And when I should cease
Sucking Earth's air,
There is no reason
That anyone should care--

Except for the plants--
They'll be sad that I died,
For they will miss
My carbon dioxide.

God talks to schizophrenics
and to preachers on TV.
I hate to be a cynic
but it's this an insult
to the schizophrenics?

If you want your company to go home,
So that you can be alone,
Don't beat them til they bleed;
Just drag out some poetry to read.