If you want your company to go home,
so that you can be alone,
don't beat them 'til they bleed,
just drag out some poetry to read.

And after reading two or three,
alone is what you'll be.
So to get that company steppin',
use poetry as a weapon.

**********

I bought a metal detector;
It was worth every buck.
I found two mobile homes
and a pick up truck!

**********

Because of its location,
those who have a fine rear,
find it's not as easy as a face
to look at in the mirror.

But if you take a looking glass
and hold it over your shoulder,
then you can admire at last
the beauty in the behind of beholder.

**********

There once was a man who loved junk food;
he ate and ate and ate.
And when he died God sent him to
hog heaven by mistake.

**********

My dog talks in her sleep;
she tell very wild stories,
about chasing rabbits and squirrels,
and acts of heroism and glory.

Even though these stories are not true,
I don't wake her, and I'll tell you why:
My philosophy has always been
to let sleeping dogs lie.

**********

I went looking to buy a sweater,
My size, What the heck?
I'm only gonna wear it
tied around my neck.

Then I went looking to buy a condom--
large, medium, small--
it does not matter at all
the size that I pick,
because I'm only gonna wear it--

oops! sorry!  
condoments is what I meant to say;
and I am going to keep them 
in my kitchem on a tray!


**********

My dog loves to kiss me;
she is the sweetest little mutt!
But I make her wait an hour
after licking her butt.



**********

Bowlers understand each other,
they don't criticize or accuse,
Because they're always walking
in other bowler's shoes.

**********

I wanted people to think I was cool
and to think I was fierce;
so I decided to have
my hemorrhoids pierced!

I played piano by ear
'til my ear started bleedin'.
I made myself fat
from over feedin'.

But then I bought some fat burner pills,
but I took too many.
Children roasted marshmallows over my ass
which is now quite charred and skinny!

**********

At our local mall
the sales are really nice!
Buy one, and get another
for the very same price!

**********

He committed a lot of crime;
he was convicted twice.
But everyone said
his mother was nice.

It was this revelation
that led me to discover,
You can't judge a crook
by looking at his mother.

**********

I drove home from work
in a cold, winter storm.
My cat crawled under the hood of my car
to keep dry and warm.

I got back into my car
to drive to the store.
I do not have
that cat any more.

**********

Each Sunday of my youth 
in church I would be
seated on the pew
with my family.

But I was easily bored
by the preacher's sermon,
so I engaged my fantasy
to keep from squirmin'.

My favorite daydream,
and I had quite a few,
was to mentally undress
the woman in the next pew.

She was older than me,
so sexy and fine;
and she would never know
what we did in my mind.

I guess this was wrong,
but I was sooooo bored,
and far to horney
to worship the lord.

**********

In my house
the cobwebs roam.
I would not put a cob
out of a home.

**********
I hate going to funerals.  
I’m not a mourning person.

And I hate being invited
to watch people get hitched,
because that requires a present
and I'm a cheap son-of-a-bitch!

**********

On weekends and holidays 
when there's no on to teach,
I break out my sign
and take to the streets--

where I wander aimlessly
like a beggar dude,
with my sign that reads,
"Will Teach For Food."

But when my legs grow tired,
I go back to my home
and listen to
my stomach groan.

**********

I was feeling half dead
and wondered if I could receive
half my life insurance
to take care of some needs.

But my insurance man,
who said he was my friend,
said to call back
when the other half sets in.

**********

Teen pregnancy--
yep, we have plenty,
but it drops off sharply
when they turn twenty.

But adult pregnancy—
as long as they can get laid,
continues on
for several decades.


**********