"I think; therefore I am,"
Rene Descartes’ expressed.
So if we are not thinking,
then we don't exist?

If the census were taken
by Descartes’ delineation,
the world would be in a state
of under-population.

**********

If Jim Bowie had not died
and left us quite so soon,
there would have been a Bowie Knife,
and a fork and spoon.

And adorning your dining room table--
a Bowie gravy ladle.

**********

Alexander the Great,
with a blow to the head,
might have become Alexander
the Special Ed.

**********
I once had a job as a bartender,
but the hours were long, so I quit.
Some of those hours
were 65 min-its!

**********

You should live each day
as if it was your last.
Wake up and dig a hole
in which to bury your ass.

**********

When I ponder the changes I'd make
if I could live my life anew,
the answer is always the same--
there would be quite a few.

But the changes I would make
probably would not pay.
They would just allow me to
screw up in a different way.

**********

Time filters memory
like a merciful strain,
so that only good
and beauty remains.

But without mercy,
this filtrated bliss,
at death makes us think
that living we'll miss.

**********

Those who lie with good recollection,
seldom pay the price of detection.

**********

There is little difference
on the surface of it,
between forgiveness
and not giving a shit.

**********

"Till death do us part
would be more truthful
if more of us died
when we were youthful.

**********

I'm so sorry my love,
but I must confess
that after orgasm
I love you less.

**********

Instead of electing a president,
we should open it up to all;
and give the job to the lucky person
who is the seventh one to call.

**********

The smartest people
in the world must be
those who always
agree with me.

And each time they concur
with what I construe,
they get even better
looking too!

**********

My life was all the stuff
that happened to me
while I was busy dreaming
what I wanted it to be.

And now that so much
of my life is gone,
I wish I'd paid attention
to what was going on.

**********

Weekends are good,
until Sunday afternoon,
for it is then that I realize
it will be over soon--

And Monday will surely come
and show its ugly butt;
and for five days
I'll be stuck in a rut.

But the enjoyment of my Sundays
would certainly extend,
if the lottery drawing were held
Sunday night at ten.

Then I could enjoy
this final day of rest--
until 10:01--
then I'd get depressed!

**********

You should always take one step at a time;
that's all! 
unless your intent is 
to jump or fall.

**********

With money and blood pressure
things can get rough
if you have an overabundance
or not enough.

**********

Of all the things we ferry,
an empty wallet is hardest to carry;
for despite the weight we pull,
it feels so much lighter when it is full.

**********

We can't stay young forever;
and getting old sucks.
But we all grow old
with a little luck.

This kind of luck
I have had;
but I am not sure
if it's good or bad.

**********

I'm tired of all this sexist crap!
Wouldn't it be a nice switch--
just once to hear someone called
a "daughter of a bitch?"

And why do mothers get all the fucking?
This isn't fair!
Fathers, too,
deserve their share!

**********

Hit men are people
who kill for their pay.
But the people they kill
were gonna die anyway.

It is the same for those
who make people croak
by growing and selling
tobacco to smoke.

It is only the speed
that does divide
this legal business
from homicide.

Kill slowly
and you're ok.
Kill quickly
and they put you away!

**********

When we describe happiness,
or our emotional pain,
why do we credit the heart
when these come from the brain?

When we are rejected,
that emotional thud
comes from the brain--
the heart just pumps blood.

And when we succeed
in life's hustle and bustle
it's the brain that feels joy--
the heart is just a muscle.

To credit the heart
and slight the brain,
is just not right;
it seems such a shame.

But it would be difficult
to right this great wrong
because we'd have to change the words
to so many songs.

And if this were done,
they wouldn't sound the same.
Can you imagine
an Achy Breaky Brain?

And even ole Elvis 
would have found it a hard sell
had he proclaimed
Brain Break Hotel!

But can you imagine
a bigger fiasco
than I Left My Brain
In San Francisco?

So although it is improper,
and scientifically wrong,
we must keep it like it is
for the sake of all these songs.

**********

Gravity is the law
that holds people down.
It causes our feet
the pavement to pound.

It makes our chins
droop and sag.
Beautiful breasts
become like tea bags.

And why is it
that we can't fly?
Gravity!
that's why!

Gravity is the reason 
things plummet and break.
It makes leaves fall
so that we have to rake.

It is the reason
we can't jump over things.
It is why the fall
must follow the spring.

It is unconstitutional,
to say the least.
It discriminates against
the weak and obese!

But although it seems
that this law isn't fair,
it keeps all the crap
from floating in the air.

So sad, but true--
gravity we need,
so that we all
may continue to breathe.

**********

When something bad happens,
when things are not right,
someone will say,
"That's life."

But when something good happens,
when things are at their best,
no one ever says:
"That's death."

What this implies
is very sad.
It is that both life
and death are bad.

If life and death
are both a crock,
it might be better
to be a rock.

**********

Life is a matter
of take and give.
Something must die
so that something might live.

Chicken and cow
are no longer alive.
They died
so that we might survive.

Wheat and corn,
turnip and sugar cane,
sacrifices in
the living game.

We sow and grow,
slaughter and devour,
to live another minute--
another hour--

until we die
and become a grand feast
for every manner
of wee beast.

So what life is all about--
I have grown to discover--
is a continuous bout
of feeding on each other.

So pass the potatoes;
pass the ham.
I eat;
therefore I am.

**********