********************** Ben's Jokes*********************
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank--proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too!
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
the two weevils.
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "how much eer?" The
bartender replies, "for you, no charge."
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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says
to the other, "Are you all right?" The second relies, "No, I'm not! I lost
an electron!" to which the first says, "Are you sure?" The second says
in panic "Yes, I'm positive!"
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P>Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine duringroot canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",
they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer!"
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have a drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the
work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with
hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time,
took one sip of the rink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Well I hope that you like these jokes and will be kind enough to share the
wealth with the class. have fun and do whatever you want with these for they
are now in your hands. have fun and fare thee well. THANKS FOR THE FUN BEN! YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
********************More Funnies*********************
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.
A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."
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In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much of the
data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He said, "Now, a
lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with
these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that
the leeches often become attached to the researchers."
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A Short History of Medicine
I have an earache:
2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.:
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Dating Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at
the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old
the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."
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Two freshman became astronauts and went up in the space shuttle.
"I'm going out of the capsule for a space walk." said one.
"OK"
A few minutes later the astronaut returned and knocked on the capsule door.
The freshman inside said," Who's there?"
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They just started doing construction for the new middle school in town when the work suddenly stopped. They found a human skull. Experts were called in. It was determined that the skull was 10,000 years old and had all but three teeth knocked out of the mouth. The remains of the world's oldest hockey player had been found!
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I used to play football in high school. Coach said I was a drawback!
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Ask any frog how deep is the water....knee deep.... knee deep
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A doctor friend of mine was visiting with his grand children and noticed that one picked up his stethoscope. Excited, he thought ,"Ah, one who will follow in my footsteps." The child turned the diaphragm of the scope to his lips and said,"Hello, this is McDonald's. Can I take your order!"
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Little Becky Sue wanted to go out and play with the neighborhood boys. Her mom said,"No, they're too rough". Becky thought about this a minute and then said'"Can I play with them if I find a smooth one?"
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet!
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What weighs three tons and sticks to the roof of your mouth?
A peanut butter and triceratops sandwich
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A lady goes to her vet with FIFI the poodle. "FiFI seems sick", she says. The vet looks FIFI over and says,"The dog looks dead!"
"Oh no,!" says the lady.... "Well what is the fee?" The vet says "$20.00 for the opinion" The lady says "Is there anything else you can do?"
The vet goes over and unlocks a small door and a short furred tabby jumps on the table. The kitty sniffs about the dog's muzzle, the slowly looks at the dogs paws. Next kitty walks around the rearl and peers intently at FiFi's back. When the circle around the dog is completed, the tabby gives a screech and ducks back into the cubby hole from whence it came.
"Is that it? " says the lady. "Yes", says the vet. "FiFI's gone.
"Oh dear, she says, "Now how much was that bill again?" "$2,500" was the reply.
"What, I though it was $20.00", she exclaimed." Well," said the vet," $20.00 for my opinion and $2,480 for the CAT scan."
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According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated -- Wash. Biol. Surv. -- until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
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While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a USFWS field crew lose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."
The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say......
"LOOK, HE'S MOVING! ! ! ! !"
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There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.
He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal."
The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist."
"Yeah.", said the other. "But we're getting further and further away from our truck."
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Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
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Two biologists studying caribou in Alaska's back country got a pilot to fly them into the far north to collect some specimens. They were quite successful in their venture and had six big carcasses to take back to their lab. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected and told them,"Those caribou carcasses are too heavy, the plane can only take four of them ; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them to put all six animals aboard. This plane was the exact same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not carry the load and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one biologist said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other biologist. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
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