Unusual Grammar

Ken Wais 6/22/03

 

I am mystified, somewhat irritated, but amused with the usage of the phrase the last thing in English.  This phrase is difficult to give a rhetorical classification.  The best I’ve been able to surmise is it’s a form of intensification.  It’s not irony, or sarcasm though it seems close to both these constructions.  The intent of English speakers when using this construction is to demonstrate the opposite of what it asserts.  Thus, it is much like a sarcastic statement.  Sarcastic constructions have connotative meanings that are opposite to their denotative meanings. For instance, take the statement: Yeah, you’re my great friend that informed on me.  The denotative value of this sentence is opposite to its intended value.  It literally declares someone is a good friend because he informs on the subject.  But to any English-speaking listener, it's clear that the intention is this person is not a good friend.  Here we have a textbook example of sarcasm.  Now, lets take this turn of phrase the last thing.  Here is an example of its usage:  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  Now, this isn’t sarcasm.  It could be a form of irony. But its denotative intent is not really opposite to its connotative meaning.  I understand that the speaker is intending to say he never wants to hurt the person to whom he’s speaking.  but, why say it’s the last thing you would do?  If you don’t want to hurt this person, then what does the ordinality of the event have to do with it?  Isn’t that strange?  Telling someone that the last thing you want to do is hurt them doesn’t seem like a good way to deny ever wanting to hurt them. Suppose you only had two things to do.  In that case, in just 2 steps you’d hurt the person. Or even better: The13^th billionth thing I want to do is hurt you.  In the two things example, the listener might say: Well, since you got two things to do, you’re going to hurt me pretty quickly?  In the numerical example, the listener could say well if it’s the 13^th billionth thing you want to do, then in all likelihood you won’t get around to it and I’m safe. 

Why not say: The only thing I don't want to do is hurt you. In this case, your meaning is unambiguous, though over-dramatic

 

Who started this senseless construction?  I get the image of a guy scaling down a list of things to do, and when he gets down to the bottom, the last thing he would do is the worst thing. But regardless of the nature of the thing, naming the thing as the last in order should not connote it is never to be realized.  Why that doesn’t make any sense.  I don’t understand this usage.  It seems to be a form of intensification.  I think this was the intent, when the original blockhead made this statement. I know this is an idiomatic phrase. But, it just bothers me to the nth degree, you know.  He (or she) was trying to show how much he or she didn’t intend what was being said.  But, why use sequence of events to intensify your negative?  I’d like to get in a time machine and go back and find the first usage of this phrase. Then confront this person, and ask him why the hell did he say this insane remark.  I bet, he’d say something like: Oh, I don’t know it just seemed like a smart way to say how much you didn’t like something.  I would think of how this silly phrase has gone down in English linguistic history and spread far and wide, and how it makes no logical sense, and bothers me like a hiccup.  He’d say: What seems to be the problem?  His lack of concern would incense me even more.  I’d say: What seems to be the problem?  The problem is this phrase is meaningless.  It makes no sense!  And now everybody this side of St. Louie is saying it without ever thinking of what they’re really saying, you living jackass!!! .  I’d punch his lights out, get back in my time machine and come right back here.

 

I’m sorry but little matters like this really get to me.  Hey, here’s a way to get back at people when they use this phrase.  The next time somebody says to you: Well, you know the last thing I wanna see happen is that.  You should say:  Really, well what’s the 3^rd thing you wanna see happen?  I bet the person will look at you questioningly stop and say: What?  You can then dismiss the comment with: Oh, nothing.

 

Go and Like

 

If the phrase the last thing, makes you a little upset, you can take solace in knowing that this colloquialism predates us.  We learn it as we mature to adulthood and unfortunately more often than not, we use it without considering its meaning. But, the next two words are misused with such frequency, a purist of the language might want to slaughter these users en masse.  The only favorable thing about this development is it’s somewhat restricted to a very select group of English speakers: American teenagers  This includes teenagers of all races in this country, especially teenage girls. Though, the boys are advent abusers also. I have heard adults, for instance Southern Californian women rolling these ear-sores off their tongues. Though the majority of misusage occurs with teenagers. It seems these kids have decided to use forms of the infinite verb to go and the comparative preposition like, for meanings they were never intended. They use go or goes to indicate a person responds in speech.  Example: And I go: no I am not gonna do that, then he goes: why not? And I go: ‘cause, cause it’s gross. Then he goes: but it would be cool.

How many times have you heard this kind of infantile banter in a shopping mall?  You can replace all the go or goes in the preceding sentence with say or says to get somewhat correct grammatical usage.  Then there is like this term is so grossly misused, if there were a home for battered words, it would be a long term resident. You've no doubt heard of child-molester, well now meet word-molester.  I overheard a teenage girl misusing the word like, like a chronic word-molester just a few days ago.

 

Come on, I’m like, Tanya why did you do that?, she likes oh forgit you, and I’m like, forgit you too. Then she like rolls her eyes and stuff, so I’m like don’t nobody care ‘bout you rollin your little eyes. I'm like: please, then she's like: I ain't gonna talk to you no more. I'm like: I don't care, pleasssse. She's like so immature ain't she?

 

It’s this kind of speech, that I definitely don’t like.  I stood there listening to the conversation, thinking does this young girl know what she’s saying?  Apparently so, since the two of them went on, giggling and exchanging these broadsword butcherings of English, until I walked away, overcome with disgust.

I would LIKE to have jumped in and said:

Hey hey hey wait a minute! Will you leave that word alone, stop abusing that poor little word. Has that word done anything you? Now leave it alone. Then I'd turn to the word in mind-space of course and say: Are you alright word? The word would whimper LIKE a little injured puppy and say to me: uh-huh. don't let'em come near me again Ken? I sure won't, poor little word, I won't. Let me getcha to the word trama center, and getchu back in context and everything. Poor little comparative preposition or noun expressing affection, its only crime is existing. Don't cry word, Ken's here. Then I'd turn back to the two girls and say: Let me tell you two something, if I catch either one of you bubble-chewing, word-molesting, brats abusing this word again, I'm gonna take you both down to the word abuse detention center and have'em lock ya up for 6 months. And when you come out, I'll personally cut your tongues out.

The phrase I’m like seems to be used to mean I say or I said. Though, it is also used to mean I replied.  What is so maddening about this misusage is the frequency of its utilization.  A person spewing profanity in public places offends most of us.  It is even more unbearable when the person uses it constantly.  The same revulsion applies to a grammatical misconstruction.  I wish we had grammar prisons, where these kids could be sentenced for a few months and made to clean up their diction.

.Postscript: I was wrong people of all ages are using it in this country and around the English-speaking world. .

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