Hypatia's Library Tales

DisclaimerPlease understand that I do not mean to make fun of or put down any of the following patrons. They will only be identified by the nicknames we library workers have given them, or aliases I have invented. These are meant to be examples of how diverse and funny people are.

The Spit-in-the-Can Guy: This patron once brought in an empty coffee can with him so he could spit in it (he was chewing tobacco). One of our librarians told him he couldn't do that anymore--that it was a health hazard or something. I don't remember exactly what occured, but I do remember him threatening to bring in a gun . . . He doesn't speak to that librarian anymore. I won't tell you what he calls her. He really likes the other librarian in that department, and he's been known to buy her flowers, even though she's married. You wouldn't want to meet this guy in a dark alley.

The Computer Cowboy: Until August 97, he wore this disgusting stained cowboy hat. It looked and smelled to have soaked up quite a bit of sweat and other more interesting fluids. He's been known to wear the same clothes in for days at a time--did I mention he comes in every day? He often reeks of body odor and cigarette smoke. One day the Computer Cowboy came in and decided to walk all over the library. Everywhere he went, you could still smell several minutes afterward. I don't wish to offend anyone, so I'll just say it smelled like he had messed his pants. The Computer part of his nickname supposedly comes from all the computery science fiction he's always reading. He got this nickname before I started working here, by the way. He'll also talk your ear off if you give him the chance.

Then we have Mrs. M. She's a former teacher from a nearby college. She escaped from some Eastern European country when she was a teenager, and came to America. I don't know how old she is now. She lives in a house with uncounted animals--dogs, cats, you name it she probably has one. She drinks hard liquor and wears Right Guard antiperspirant. She bathes more often in the summer than in the winter, when it's maybe once a month, so you can imagine the smells she gives off. Did I mention she knows everything, and can do everything better than anyone else (in her reckoning)? If sharp tongues and rudeness could kill, I don't think anyone here at the library would still be alive. However she has been known to be nice, if you let her have her way.

We also have a large assortment of other, um, interesting patrons. There's the guy who works at Burger King, which I am not putting down, but he thinks he knows better than us how to do our jobs. There's the Russian E-mail Queen, who comes in at almost closing time and proceeds to write a myriad of e-mails to her relatives in Russia, and just about refuses to leave until she's done. When asked "How are you doing today?" our mystery-reading cowboy (not the computer cowboy) always replies, "Fair to middlin'." A nice older lady who just happens to have cancer and a handicapped sign in her car gets really steamed--and rightly so!--at the non-handicapped people who park in the one handicapped spot.

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