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The following are the Official Bios of the Executive Members of Infinite Cheese:
Note: For security reasons, the accompanying pictures of the Infinite Cheese executive members have been replaced with computer-altered versions of Co-Founder Aaron Wells's yearbook photo from high school.
Jeff Turner was born in a log cabin in the suburbs of Las Vegas. From his early childhood he showed a penchant for CEOing a subversive consipiracy/company.
In pre-school, for instance, he was able to control the other toddlers to make them color what he wanted. However, his promising future was jeopardized by a slow-developing addiction to clowns and flags. He hit rock bottom at age 20, when he was living in a tiny car with 40 clowns. However, Jeff found God one day and turned himself around. Well, he found me, Aaron Wells, but that’s as close as any of us can come to meeting God, isn’t it?
Jeff is now co-founder and CEO of Infinite Cheese Productions, and he only goes to the circus once a month.
Hair Color: Black, when he’s not wearing a rainbow-colored wig
Eye Color: Brown
Height: 5’10’’
Weight: 180 lbs.
Smell: Like a toddler’s favorite blanket
Favorite food: Cheese
Hobbies: Petting his cat, Petting his evil girlfriend Jannis, Petting the Infinite Cheese secretary Laci McCarti, Petting the afro-snake, Petting strangers in the street, Pro-wrestling
Turn-ons: clowns, flags, worship-letters from Infinite Cheese members, pictures of Infinite Cheese members (girls only)
Aaron Wells is GOD. That’s all we need to say. (Note: This summary was written by Aaron Wells. For a less biased profile of Aaron Wells,
click
here)
Hair Color: Medium brown, all three feet of it
Eye Color: Hazel
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 230 lbs.
Smell: Manly
Favorite food: Cheese
Hobbies: Collecting women, brushing his manly hair, practicing sounding like God, going through the millions of adoring fan-letters he receives each day, and writing self-congratulatory descriptions of himself for public display
Turn-ons: Women, naked women, naked female Infinite Cheese members, naked female non-Infinite Cheese members, photos of any of the above, and hair
Daryl Watson was born and raised in the mean streets of Tampa, where he had
to fight for space on the inner-city beaches just to get a decent tan, however unneccessary it was for him to try to get a tan. At the age of 18, Daryl enrolled at NYU as a double major in Engineering and Political Science. He graduated at the age of 24 with a double major in Film and Theatre Arts.
He was subsequently recruited into Infinite Cheese, and has spent the rest of his life trying to be a mime. This pursuit is hindered both by his inability to shut the Hell up, and by his contagious narcolepsy (he’s made whole rooms fall asleep before). After finding out that at least three of the other Infinite Cheese executives had slept with his girlfriend (see IC newsletter #2), Daryl defected from Infinite Cheese and founded the short-lived Fungus League of America, an organization bent on the destruction of all healthy cheese everywhere. However, due to a lack of initiative, he gave up on the FLA after just one newsletter and returned to Infinite Cheese with his mime make-up grimy from tears. He is now Jeff Turner's offical food-taster.
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 160
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Favorite food: anti-cheese
Smell: Like mime make-up
Hobbies: miming, quoting the Bible, attempting to destroy Infinite Cheese
Turn-ons: Laci McCarti, God, Helen Keller jokes
Steve Gomez a.k.a. Tony Gomez was born in a mud hut in the Phillipines. From there, he struggled his way to Malaysia, then to Singapore, then to New Zealand, and finally to Guam, from whence he flew to the U.S. This travelling gave Steve a very unpleasant childhood, however, because he was both airsick and
seasick. For this reason, Steve has extensive knowledge in the field of vomitting, and so he’s the head of our Research & Design department.
Also, the cause of this unlikely combination of sea exposure & sea-sickness, Steve is hated by the universe in general, which makes things as hard for him as possible, crushing everything around him. We keep him on as sort of a lightning rod, to funnel all of the bad luck away from the world domination parts of the organization and into the unimportant R & D section. The only downside is that all of our hardware blows up. Steve hopes to eventually move back to New Zealand and start a kiwi farm, but that ain’t gonna happen!
Height: 5’ 9”
Weight: 120
Hair Color: Dark brown
Eye Color: Brown
Smell: Like Ramen noodles
Favorite food: Cheese
Hobbies: Writing death-threat haiku, moping, watching SportsCenter, and generally being the punching bag for the universe
Turn-ons: Unconsciousness
Tim Powe, The Grand Wazoo, constantly wears a purple and white robe and a cone-shaped hat. We’re not sure why and we’re afraid to ask. There are several theories on this: perhaps he has antlers and a set of wings and wishes to hide them. Or, it could be that he has been the first human to
have a computer successfully implanted into his brain, and he needs to protect it from the elements. Or it could be that he’s just wierd. We tend to vote towards the latter.
Height: 6’
Weight: 200 lbs.
Hair Color: Blonde (underneath the cone hat)
Eye Color: Green
Smell: Like felt
Favorite food: cheese
Hobbies: Recruiting for Infinite Cheese, and really nothing else, because well, we just don’t allow him to
Turn-ons: Infinite Cheese (because it’s easier to control him that way)
Little is known of the origins of Justin Shiroff, a.k.a. The Fifth Jew. He claims to be Jewish, although Infinite Cheese sattelite photos have shown that he often eats ham in his cheese sandwiches, that he seldom fasts on Jewish holidays, and that he receives Christmas gifts. Of course, it could just be that he’s not a very devout Jew. This would explain why he has no objections to killing many people very often. If you hear knock at your door late at night, and you think you smell matza balls, beware; it may be The Fifth Jew come to guarantee that you don’t spill any of Infinite Cheese’s secrets.
Height: 5’2”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Hair Color: Brown (and really puffy)
Eye Color: Brown (and really puffy, at least when he comes back from his lunch break)
Smell: Like ham and gun-powder
Favorite Food: The blood of his victims, mixed with Easy Cheese
Hobbies: killing, torturing, maiming, and reading about the British Royal Family
Turn-ons: Guns (the bigger the better)
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