Going to Russia? Must haves for you:
Be sure to COUNT your money after exchanging dollars to rubles (or vice versa) in ANY currency exchange booth. They WILL TRY to fool you during exchange — counting your money in your view (from their side of the booth), then moving it to you via special metal box. You will think that it is impossible to cheat — you just saw a person counting your money. If you don't check, you will loose it!! In 50% of cases (with foreigners I guess much more) they will keep 500 or even 1000 rubles (25$—$35) for an exchange of every (!!) $100. Beware of this. Count your money in their view and claim the difference. They will give you the missing money back immediately. You won't hear ANY apologies in such cases though, and telling about this to police officer will also not make any good (they will just ignore your complain, because they are bribed by that very Currency Exchange place). But you will get you missing money back. If you walk away even 3 steps from the place, and then return back with your claim, they won't return anything. So, be careful with currency exchange in Russia!! In Russia you can take a tent and go hiking anywhere. It means you can choose any place on a map, reach it and put a tent there. It's wonderful!! It gives you an opportunity to be all alone camping near the forest lake or at the river bank, without any traces of civilization. Be sure to keep you head close to the entrance of your tent during the night. Murders usually assume, that a person in a tent lies with his/her head on the opposite side to the entrace, and use their metal sticks right there. So, putting your head to the opposite side will give you few moments (despite horrible pain in your feet) to realise what is going on and probably to escape. Good luck!!  People at the street will consider you a madman if you decide to smile to them or, worse, to say them 'Hello!' (Privet!). If you are a girl and you are keeping smiling while walking on the street be sure that lots of men (usually disgusting) will think you want to talk to them.. Be careful with getting rid of them — they can be very annoying, rude and even dangerous. So if you want to be OK on Russian streets put the worse and the most terrible of all your expressions on your face (for the safest outgoing!). Nevertheless if you wish to find friends just on the street you should constantly change the expression on your face from the ugliness and wickedness to some sort of intelligent luck for communication. It is really easy to find lots of interesting fellows just on the street, have a good talk and afterwards have a good acquaintance.
Hitchhiking is OK in Russia!! If you are a girl, do not get into a car with two or more drivers. Every time getting into somebody's car look attentively at the driver and casually on the inside of your door — is there a door-knob?? After reading this part a friend of mine made this precious comment: "do not get into a car with two or more drivers — can there be more than one driver in the car? It's not an airplane, is it?? :-)) I would re-phrase the tip to "if you're stoned and see more than one driver in a car — do not get in, wait till it passes away". [I know, many of these tips are funny — so, keep on reading!! Please, let me know if you'd like to add something of your own Moscow-Russian experience: tchorba@hotmail.com!!] Feel free to ask the way and just everything in Moscow and St. Petersburg — 2/3 of people do know English and will be very happy to talk to you and help you to find your way. Do not try to ask a policeman (militiamen how we call them in Russia) about your way, they usually do not speak even Russian. Right turn is strictly forbidden on red light on Russian roads. There are much more things that are forbidden, but who cares?! In Russia all drivers (including me) are crazy, envy and bad to each other, so it is hardly possible to drive in a big city. Driving down-town Chicago is a kid stuff in comparison with dangerous, mystical, hysterical and speedy driving on Moscow roads. A lot of New Russians (NR, novy russky — an unexpectedly rich, rude, low-educated (usually) man; Old Russian, OR, — an intelligent, clever, kind and poor (almost always) man) together with militiamen made their own 'laws of money' on roads — so NR are driving as madly as they can, and when they are stopped by militiaman they just give him some money (20-50 $) and drive further. The situation will seem you totally absurd if I say that militiamen can force you to give them some money just without any reason. Sorry, it is really true. I was unable to do something with it in Russia! It is perfectly OK and even a must to give bribes to police (if you got stopped by them, God forbids!). I would advice to start bribing a single or a couple of police officers with 300 rubles ($10), if they want more, give them 500 rubles. (My friend advices that "one should start with 50 or 100 rubles, not 300" — and he might be right, I will try this on the next occasion!!). Try not to go over 1000 rubles in any circumstances (this might work even if you killed somebody!! Just kidding, though who knows). Just show them that you do not have more money on you (with a sad face turn your hand palms up in front of their faces!!). (Let me know if this strategy worked out for you — tchorba@hotmail.com!!). I am sure you know about drinking in Russia. But don't be too afraid — there are only few drunkards on the street at a time (others are sober at this particular time). Don't think that you will escape drinking if you want to make real friends with Russians — you will have to drink some bottles of wine, one or two bottles of vodka or cognac (it depends on the intellectual and emotional level of your new friends). If you have never drunk hard don't be negative, just try to pretend that you are drinking with your mates — so they will be very happy and consider you to be a good man whom they can trust fully! Don't think that it will be necessary to drink every day — next day after the Big Drink your new friends can invite you to the museum, conservatory or to the ski hike (in that case be prepared to drink there too — it is so cold in Russia in winter, that it is almost impossible to breath outdoors without a drink!). Funny thing about Russian outdoor drinking is that Russians usually do it in children parks (there are some benches) or just at children's playgrounds. You can ask a reasonable question where children play then? Oh, little angels usually play near garbage containers or places, which are under construction (children like technics!), especially at the everning because the ammount of people, who are drinking, increases by night. Beware of bullterriers in Russia! People usually train them to attack strangers and protect their master (rich and brut Russian as usual). So, do not try to speak to, or worse, to caress such a dog if you happen to see it on the street. Just try not to be on its way and pretend not to see the dog and its master. Ignoring the bad sides of life is maybe the best thing you can do about it in Russia. So if something bothers or frightens you do not try to investigate the situation, just ignore it (if you can not run away immediately). If you suceed in this you will love your trip, Russians and yourself!! So, beware, take care and have fun!!! |
I've learnt this story from my friend K. and then seen it at the Russian Internet, so it is sort of translation dated back to 1997 when I suddenly found myself in US.
Elektric Bulb One day a fellow came to his friend to have a drink together. — You know, — he said — what a funny thing they told me yesterday?! An electric bulb, being put in your mouth will never go out of it!! It's amazing, how smooth it goes in and how impossible it is... — What a bullshit, — interrupted his friend — if you put something into your mouth then it is easy to remove it whatever it is! — No but.. listen, it is really true, — insisted the wise guy — You won't notice how the bulb is in your mouth and then it won't come back!! — Oh, blyad'!! — screamed another guy with anger. A moment ago he would prefer to concentrate on drinking and all stupid electric bulbs did not exist for him at all, but then he was severely irritated and felt that he'd rather die than accept such weird things about them bulbs. Feeling unable to prevent himself from fighting, he quickly left for WC. Afterwhile he returned with a pain in his eyes and a metallic end of the bulb stuck from his mouth.. — Hey man, don't panic now! — said his friend with a hint of satisfaction — and don't try to shut up your mouth now or it will be a terrible mess in it, I guess.. Let's come out and catch a car to the hospital!! They came out and after a while (full of terrible sufferings for a guy with a bulb) they stopped a car. A driver became very curious about their situation, so the guy who could speak had to explain everything to him. The face of the driver became very exited and anxious and murmuring something like "remember, it should be somewhere here", he searched for some stuff in a car's little box and at the next moment he had an electric bulb in his own mouth. He could not remove it. He continued driving the car in the gloomy silence quickly and violently. Soon the whole company was stopped for speeding by militia-man (how we Russians call our police). He got out of his "glass" (such a construction over the road for traffic supervising) and observed their situation. He asked for explanations and he got some from the leader. Militia-man was young and curious one, so he came up to his "glass" to look for a bulb. No one tried to stop him.. They arrived to the hospital all together and had rather quick medical service. Russian doctors are very humorous and just love to add new cases to their rich practice. Finally everybody was at ease, though the militia-man had some problems with his well-developed jaw and doctors tried on him some new type of operation, never used before on humans. |