Here is some poetry that was written for my folks shortly after their deaths. My mother died in November of 1992 from cancer. It started in her lungs and moved into her brain.
My father died on Thanksgiving of 1996 from what the doctors believe was congestive heart failure.
These pieces are a little painful for me to share but as a tribute to my mom and dad on the upcoming anniverary of not only their marriage, but also their deaths, I want to share and I feel a need to share.
This first piece was not written my me but by W.H. Auden. You may recognize it as the poem read at the funeral in the movie "Four Weddings and a Funeral". This one makes me think of my dad. It completely says everything I could possibly say about how his death makes me feel. I would have read it at his funeral if I had discovered it soon enough.
Stop all the clocks
Cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come
Let the airplanes circle, moaning over head
Scribbling on the sky the message
He is dead
Put great bows around the necks of public doves
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves
He was my north, my south, my east and west
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever
I was wrong
The stars are not wanted now
Put out every one
Pack up the moon
Dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good
MOTHER
She was so good to me
What a beautiful woman she was
I loved her dearly, she took good care of me
She was so full of life, so young and so strong
Then the beast came, it took her strength
It took her flame
It took her will to live
The beast ravaged her body
Then we had to take care of her
She became our child
One day she slowly went cold
Inch by inch the beast took the warmth from her body
Now she is gone and we are alone
We all miss her so much
1993
THE BEAST
It eats at the soul
It takes the humor away
It eats the life force
It engulfs the person and spits out an empty shell
A lifeless thing that wishes for death to come
It brings pain and heartache
It leaves our loved ones unrecognizable
It creates an emptiness in the core of our being
It is a disease
It is the beast
It is cancer
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to show weakness.
I have to be strong.
If I start to cry I'll never stop.
If I just don't start I'll be fine.
I don't want the sadness to consume me.
I don't want to feel the guilt that I feel.
It's easy for people to say "It's not your fault, don't feel that way."
It's so much harder to make the guilt go away.
Every time I see the image of him in the bed I get that lump in my chest and I just can't make it go away.
I feel like its all my fault.
I was too selfish.
I thought nothing would happen, he'd be just fine.
But he wasn't fine.
It was my responsibility to make sure he'd be ok and I failed.
I totally let him and everyone else down.
I'm the one to blame.
It's all my fault.
There I stood staring at him.
He was cold, his eyes clouded over.
His arm hung off the bed.
His mouth open.
His flesh was damp, icy.
I knew just by looking at him what was wrong.
Panic set in.
I was so selfish.
I screamed, "You bastard, how can you do this to me!"
All I could think of was how he had abandoned me.
What am I going to do now?
My father was dead and I'm calling his corpse names wondering what am I going to do.
No tears were shed.
Later I would realize that it was all my fault.
Shame and guilt would set in for the spoiled, selfish brat.
I should have made him go to the doctor.
I should have checked on him more
I should have done a lot of things differently but I was thinking,
He'll be fine, he just needs rest
Well, now he's got his rest.
There is nothing more for me to put here. I am having trouble writing this just now. But thank you for reading.
In memory...