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DISCLAIMER: The Association Against Stupid Things a.k.a. TAAST, makes no claims that the information here is valid at the time you are reading it. This information was valid, however, at the time it was featured in TAAST. Also, TAAST will remove old information from the archives without warning. So, PLEASE don't sue me!
TAAST of June 1999
REAL LIFE STUPIDITY
They say that history repeats itself. I guess that we are seeing a true example of this in Kosovo. As you know, the Serbians, led by Slobodan Milosevic, are forcing the ethnic Albanians in Kosovo to leave their homes. Its not the Nazi Holocaust, but its a very bad thing. Imagine if you were just sitting in your village, and suddenly, armed troops force you to leave your home because you're American or Hispanic or Asian, or African. Its a terrible thing.
You'd think that we would learn from our past mistakes, but some people have such thick skulls that it just doesn't work sometimes. Slobodan Milosevic is one of those people. I'm sure that he knows what happened to Mr. Hitler. After Hitler started is plan of ethnic cleansing, the Axis forces were destroyed. Hitler killed himself with cyanide, and Germany was left split between Communists and Western forces.
Slobodan Milosevic, Hitler's Semi-Evil Brother with Weird Hair!
Now, in the 1990's, the world still hates ethnic cleansing. And this time around, the world is ready to deal with those small misbehaving countries. So the real question is, "Why does Milosevic still do it?" Well, I guess he's just plain STUPID! And thus, he is here in the Showcase of Stupidity.
I'm glad that NATO is doing something about this problem. Some people say that we have no business in Kosovo, and that we should worry about ourselves for a change. They say that the U.S. can't fix every little problem in the world. On "60 Minutes", Andy Rooney, who is apparently in favor of our actions, said that if a patient comes to a doctor for help, the doctor will not turn the patient away just because he can't heal everyone in the world.
THE NAMING GAME
Humanity is beginning to lose steam. Although our technological advancement is moving along well, our creative advancement has been slowing down. Just look at the music industry. Although there are still many trendsetting songs, there are just as many songs and artists who try to be exactly the same thing. Television has also suffered. New shows are all trying to be the "Seinfeld", "Dawson's Creek", "Ally McBeal", and even "The Simpsons"! Less tragic than the lack of originality in the shows themselves, but equally horrifying, are the names of some TV shows.
Some of the worst television show names have come from our favorite network, ABC. "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place" is one of the worst I've ever seen. There's also this new show called "It's Like, You Know". PLEASE! "Whose Line is it Anyway?" is one of the best and funniest shows on TV, but the name really confuses you.
All those names came from ABC, but here a couple from other networks. FOX Television has created a new animated sitcom called Futurama. What is a "futurama"? At least ABC doesn't make up words to use as titles. Lastly, TBS Superstation produced a new TV movie. Its about a computer virus that "thinks like a killer". Worse than the totally bogus story is the title, "Fatal Error". Its an awful pun if I've ever heard one.
With our creativity dwindling, what will become of us? What
kind of carbon-based mess will humans be reduced to? Why, it
might become so bad that people start making web sites to point
this fact out! Hmmm... Wait a minute!
TAAST of April 1999
Sports Salaries
Imagine if you will, a world where everything has been
twisted. A world where one can play games all year and get paid
millions of dollars. Imagine if you will, a world called Earth!
It's true! Think about it, people. Look at any pro athelete in
baseball, basketball, or football and take a very close look at
his salary. Its most likely a six, seven, or eight digit income!
And for what? They play games all year. Sometimes, they might
even receive injuries! Oh no! Do you sense my sarcasm in that
last phrase?
Its not like I hate sports. They're fun to watch, especially
basketball and baseball. Sports provide fitness and exercise for
millions. But, getting paid so much money just to play sports is
really, really stupid. What is society coming to?
In my state of Washington, teachers are going on strikes and
walkouts because they aren't getting paid very much. And they
really aren't. It is said that teachers here, on average, earn
less than county bus drivers. That's pretty sad, huh? Well, these
teacher strikes are occuring at the same time as the NBA strike!
NBA players, who earn millions a year, can't control their
endless greed! Why? I guess they're just snobs. Celebrities
should at least try to keep their image positive. Going on strike
at the same time as teachers when you are earning about 100 times
what they are probably lowers your image. People who actually do
important things, like teachers and doctors and lawmakers are
earning only a fraction of what these sports stars make.
That comparison between teachers and atheletes is really
astounding. Something needs to be done about this, because
shouldn't high-priiority jobs also be high-paying ones?
Packaging
Remember the last time you bought an appliance or a hi-tech
device? How about the last time you bought software? What about
the last time you received a package in the mail?
What do all these things have in common? You got it: packaging
materials. Everything from those styrofoam nuggets to newspaper
to tissue paper to those little bubbles you can pop all day long.
Why do we use so much packaging these days?
Its not just the "protective packaging". Go into a
software store and you'll be amazed by the waste of cardboard.
Little CD's are put into these giant boxes many times their size.
All these boxes do is take up space.
I recently bought a computer, and you can't believe all the junk
in the box. I guess its good that they thought of protecting the
computer, but still, the noise when the foam rubs against the
plastic wrap is unbearable.
These companies need to think about saving our planet's limited
resources. There aren't enough trees and oil wells left to waste
so much paper and plastic on mere packaging.
Teletubbies
Those crazy British are at it again! Unless you have been living in some isolated cave, you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say the word TeleTubbies. It is a children's show made by the British Broadcasting Company that is designed to "introduce the youngest minds to their world". I admit that I have sampled the show once, and of course, it was repulsive. It's actually worse that Barney the Dinosaur because Barney at least speaks plain English. The TeleTubbies try to imitate baby talk. Doctors say that babies need to be exposed to as much adult talking as possible so that their brains can develop. Think of all the poor kids who won't have developed minds because they watched TeleTubbies!
Besides the fact that I can't understand them, Teletubbies are just plain hideous. They are UGLY! Just take my word for it and don't see for yourself. They look like obese aliens with antennae sticking out of their heads. Their bellies are actually supposed to be TV screens, hence the name, TeleTubbies.
Need I say more? I don't know who comes up with these ideas, but to that man or woman, I say they need to stop spending time with so many psyciatric patients.
Rap
Hey homey! Wassup in da Hood, brotha? Don't yo laugh, I know yo motha! You're fly, you da bomb, but rap belong in da gutta! Yo! Yo! Yo! Homeeeeey! Wassup, baby? Wassdown? Rap is down! Down wid Rappin! Rapper brains are NAPPIN! Yo! Yo! Yo! Brotha!
No, I have not gone crazy. I have just written the most sensible rap song ever. There's an oxymoron for you. Sensible Rap! Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha!
Rap is not music. It is an annoying noise like the one you hear during tests of the Emergency Broadcasting System. For those of you who really think that rap is music, there are a few things you should know about music.
1. Music stirs the soul. Rap stirs the eardrums. There is
quite a difference.
2. Music is a collection of melodies and harmonies. Rap is a
collection of gangs and train wrecks.
3. Music is an expression of creativity. Rap is an expression
of... of... hmm... hmm...
4. Music represents perfection. Rap represents violence and
anarchy.
5. Music can sometimes make you emotional. Rap can sometimes make
you kill someone.
6. Music is enjoyed. Rap is endured.
7. Music is food for the brain. Rap is junk food for the brain.
As you can see, music and rap are virtual opposites. Yet, rap
still tries to pose as a type of music. Not only do rappers
produce awful music, they LIE to us! Humanity has no time to deal
with evil and VERY stupid things like rap. Now, my only worry is
that some gang doesn't try to assassinate me after reading this.
A CHAIN REACTION
-Okay, so I browse my e-mail box and what do you know?!? Another "get rich quick" chain letter! You know, I am sick of these kinds of chain letters. I'm not against all chain letters. If they contain meaningful or important messages, the message can spread rather quickly. But these money schemes and pornography promotions and yadda, yadda, yadda... HAVE GOT TO STOP! Chain letters have plagued the traditional mail system and now that we have a second chance to purify the mail system, what do we do? We invade it with chain letters too! When will we learn to stop this madness? My e-mail box is flooding with these things! In my rush to delete them, I'll bet that I have deleted many important messages to stop. If anyone out there is listening, join my crusade! Delete all chain letters you receive!
Actually, to ward off any pending lawsuits, I take back that statement. If you or a relative are in need of a place to get rid of money, go ahead and respond to the letters. You won't be seeing your money(or your sanity) for quite a while.
MICROSOFTIAN TACTICS
-This is today's lesson for you. A lesson on Microsoftian Tactics. First you will need a Primary checklist.
Step 1. Have someone think of a good idea and steal it from
them and make a profit.
Step 2. Using that good idea, establish yourself deeply within
the industry.
Step 3. Favor companies that favor you. Squash companies that
refuse to acknowledge you.
Step 4. Come out with an upgrade for your software to keep the
public happy.
Step 5. Sit around and do nothing and watch your empire expand.
Step 6. When competition arises, make your software incompatible
with theirs.
Step 7. Watch the competition fall.
Step 8. If the public is dissatisfied, go back to Step 4.
Step 9. Alter a programming language for your own benefit,
preferrably one named after a popular coffee.
Step 10. Develop an unusable browser that dictates people's
lives. Repeat Step 5 and go on to 11.
Step 11. Repeat Steps 5 and 7 and go on to step 12.
Step 12. If you are sued, proceed to the Legal Checklist and go
back to Step 4 when complete.
Step 13. Watch the competition rally against you. Repeat Steps 3
and 12 and go on to Step 14.
Step 14. If you are sued by the Government, proceed to the
Govermental Checklist and go to Step 15 when complete.
Step 15. Secure your monopoly and repeat Step 8 if required.
Step 16. Go back to Step 5.
Step 17. Proclaim yourself Emperor of the World and go back to
Step 1 when you reach a new planet.
Step 18. When you have subjugated the universe, kill yourself and
leave your empire in pandemonium.
LEGAL CHECKLIST:
Step 1. Destroy evidence of any software tampering.
Step 2. Eliminate any memory of any e-mails you have received.
Step 3. Avoid any court hearings.
Step 4. Settle out of court.
GOVERNMENTAL CHECKLIST:
Step 1. Accuse the competition of being just too weak.
Step 2. Avoid any governmental inquiry.
Step 3. Come out with a new operating system to distract
everyone.
Step 4. Accuse China of software piracy.
Step 5. While waiting for a ruling, go back to Step 15 of the
Primary Checklist.
I hope this enlightens all the Bill Gates impersonators out
there. Use this information well. (Thank goodness for the 1st
Amendment!)
You know, I really shouldn't say this, but I think Rugrats are the most twisted invention of humanity. I cannot possibly think of something more stupid than a bunch of speech impaired babies running around trying to amuse the audience. It's silly. I can't believe anyone would like this kind of "overdone" humor. It's kind of like TeleTubbies with a dash of Jim Carrey. No offense to Jim Carrey, of course. Many of his movies are excellent. But, some of his movies (examples: The Mask, Ace Ventura) are really overdone. It's the Steve Urkel comedy we've all come to hate. But, when that kind of comedy is mixed with the innocent world in infants, the result is truly frightening. What could possibly be more stupid than these Rugrats?
Oh yeah. The Rugrats Movie. Yes sir, it's two hours of your
favorite eating-burping-farting-pooping-barfing-whining-crying
bunch. I can't believe ANY movie studio, even Nickelodeon's,
would ACTUALLY produce this movie. Yuck!
Have you ever heard of the Darwin Award? No? Well, it is an award given to people who die in really, really, really stupid ways. Many times, they die in ways that are so stupid that you can't help but chuckle. Like the guy who threw his wife out the windows onto power lines, but then jumped out after her? Or the guy that put his hand into a snack vending machine trying to grab a free bite to eat, and then was crushed when the machine fell on him? It is these feats of low caliber which warrant the presentation of this award.
I don't think the award is stupid at all. It can be quite
humorous. But, the people that receive the award, they are pretty
stupid indeed. I must say, do people this stupid deserve to live?
Just kidding. Just point your browser to
http://www.darwinawards.com/
and see why the awards are called the Darwin Awards, and get the
scoop on new recipients.
-Why did the Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr spend about two years of his life gathering information on President Clinton? Doesn't he have anything better to do? I heard on the news that Mr. Starr has just completed his report and that it filled 36 boxes! 36 boxes! Most of it is just evidence, but he still had to gather all of it! Plus, he himself wrote a 140-page report on all of his findings. He wrote a virtual NOVEL about the president's impeachable offenses. ABCNEWS(whose link you'll find on my site) also reported that Starr also wrote an even longer document, but I forget what that was. Mr. Starr, if you're out there reading this now, let me tell you that you should get a life!
-Now, for a brisk change of pace to the computer industry. Once again, we look at computer games. I was startled to find that the game Deer Hunter has among the top-ten lists, beating games like WarCraft II, Quake, and Might and Magic VI. My favorite computer games magazine, PC GAMER, recently had a columnist named T. Liam McDonald write about this, which is how I first heard about Deer Hunter. I am simply relaying his thoughts to you because I couldn't agree with him more- Deer Hunter is a terrible game. As the name suggests, you simply go out and shoot deer. The graphics look like LEGO sculptures, and from what I hear, the gameplay is unrealistic, perpetually annoying, and just plain bad. So, you ask me, "Then why do people buy this game?" I ask you the same thing, because chances are that one of you own it! If you are that person, you should have saved up to buy a real rifle instead of blowing your money on this piece of junk.
-Okay, back to politics. I am very confused by the actions of President Clinton. As you may have heard, he is now frantically apologizing whereever he goes. I don't know about you, but that for me is the last straw. I really think he should have apologized during that televised address he made to the nation a few weeks ago. It really would have meant much more to me and to the American public if Clinton had apologized earlier, instead of now, when the Independent Counsel has Clinton trapped in a corner.
-The iMac. A symbol of revolution for
Apple Computing. NOT! I can't believe Apple wasted millions of
dollars developing a new system and everything when they should
be improving on the Macintoshes that they already have. As you
probably know, Apple Computing is not doing very well. They
needed a boost, and well, the iMac did it for them, but I think
they would have gotten more out of their money if they had
concentrated on build a better Macintosh. I've heard that the
iMac is a great machine well suited for the internet, but right
now, what Apple needs to do is to build a better foundation
before creating a revolution.
-What's up with all the media hype about the ANNIVERSARY of Princess Diana's death? I mean, I have the utmost respect for Diana and her very generous charities, but personally, I think that the media has really gone overboard on this subject. NBC recently ran a special on Princess Diana in honor of her anniversary. We should honor Diana for her work, and mourn her death greatly, but I think that she wants us to be thinking about her charities and not about her death.
-But no! The media does not stop there! They have done even WORSE with Lewinsky and Clinton. That's all you hear about these days. A major interview could be: "Next on Dateline, the exclusive interview with Monica's cousin's legal advisor!". Like the president said in his speech, we need to move on with more important matters. Which is why I will try to keep Lewinsky/Clinton issues at a minimum in TAAST.
-For those of you who are advanced computer users, what's with Microsoft and the letter X? In fact, what's with the whole COMPUTER INDUSTRY and the letter X? You hear about DirectX 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.0, 6.0, yadda, yadda, yadda. And then there's ActiveX, for which there are too many modules to list here. Oh, and don't forget Intel's latest "-X venture", MMX. What is so significant about the letter X? It's one of the most unused letters in the English language(that might change if Microsoft keeps making ActiveX junk)! Of course, if any of you know what I'm talking about, you need to get a life! Just kidding!
-More news from the computer industry, this time from the games section. People need to get over the game known as MYST. It's a good game, but hey: It's obsolete! Frankly, we need to stop wasting money on games that are years behind in technology. However, if you look at lists of best-selling games, you can always find Myst somewhere near the top. The same goes for RIVEN: The Sequel to Myst. Riven is a fairly new game, the it has already sold millions of copies. But, it's a terrible game. I played some of it at a friend's house. The puzzles have no logic whatsoever and the gameplay is dated. I'm not saying that adventure games are out of style, it's just that in Riven, you have to point to where you want to go, and click there, JUST LIKE MYST! There are actually very few technological advances in Riven. Here's a tip. Don't buy it. Instead, buy a quality game like StarCraft, Warcraft II, or Zork: Grand Inquisitor.
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