Choosing the Game

Need vs. Love

As our lives pass from cradle to grave we play many different games. As toddlers we play children’s games. As teenagers our mental games advance. By the time we reach adulthood, we become masters at the games of Life.

Let’s look at this analogy in the physical first. Sometimes we choose mental games such as chess or bridge. Sometimes we decide on contact sports. And at other times, we choose games that compete with fate, such as solitaire. All these choices come from our inner desires. Let’s investigate how this relates to our mates.

The "Game of Life" as related to our romantic partners sometimes takes on the characteristics of a combative sporting event. We may hate to admit this, but after a closer look, we can see that it is true.

Although this book focuses on the romantic aspects of a heterosexual relationship, these concepts apply to all relationships, whether they be straight or gay, friendships, business, familial, careers, etc. You may even have a relationship with an inanimate object or a pet.

The games we choose in life symbolize something. Our goal is to find out what that something is.

The next question we must answer is: What purpose does this relationship game fill?

All romantic relationships fill a deep-seated need somewhere in our psyche. These needs are usually buried so deep in our minds, in our subconscious, we aren’t even aware of them. This is the exact reason why it is difficult for us to conceive of our relationship as an unhealthy game. This would mean admitting that there is something unhealthy within our own minds.

Most relationships are built on the precept: "I am incomplete and have no way of feeling good about myself." This belief necessitates that our special partners fill our abyss of need. This, in turn, puts us in a position where our happiness is dependent upon our special person completing or fulfilling the lack within ourselves. What a burden to put on someone you love!

From this psychologically dependent perspective, we can see that we use our partner for the capacity they have to keep our needs repressed.

Some therapists point out that all our needs stem from the incomplete love acted out between parent and child. In other words, we search for the love our parents never gave us. In turn, through our subconscious, we relate to or seek out most often, people like our parents in order to rework the problems we faced as children.

Some spiritual paths point to the fact that our search for love in our dualistic perceptual world stems from the belief that God was incapable of giving us the love we need. So, in turn, we relate to other people in hopes of filling the void in our lives by means of relationships. Every relationship we seek here on planet Earth can be used as a substitute for our true relationship with our Spiritual Parent.

God is love. Not only is God love, but His love is complete and unconditional. This is a fact. Just because we cannot perceive and/or accept God’s love doesn’t mean it hasn’t been offered nor does it in any way alter that Truth.

Now we begin to see the unhealthy games of needy love we have chosen. We usually select a mate based on their ability to supplement our perceived lacks. We feel, albeit subconsciously, that by some miraculous or manipulative method we can exchange attributes with our mate and thereby supply each other with what we individually lack within ourselves.

A Course in Miracles^® says it this way, "This ‘self’ seeks the relationship to make itself complete. Yet when it finds the special relationship in which it thinks it can accomplish this it gives itself away and tries to ‘trade’ itself for the self of another. This is not union…" (p. 342, text)

Is this not foolishness? There is no greater misfortune than to mistake codependency for love.

Love gives and asks for nothing in return.

In the Game of Life we choose when and where we play, which teammates become our fellow players and who becomes our opposition. Our love relationships may be "dressed up pretty." All our uniforms may match and we may be well rehearsed, but as ego-driven beings we usually choose from a psychological place of lack. The object of that game is to win and be named "most valuable player". But as we confront our partners in a love match we soon realize we don’t understand the goal of the game. We don’t know how to win. That’s because we have our games confused.

As we awaken to our spiritual destiny, we begin to recognize that all players are "valuable" and that one person’s win is often another’s loss. The rules of the Game of Life are no longer appropriate. They are no longer functional. No longer acceptable. At that point, the Game of Life may be transformed into the Game of Love and the goal changes. Now we begin to explore and discover ways for everyone to win.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN.