All the news that will fit in the bottom of a
litter box!

© Barbarian Horde 2001

Bambi Farstucker
EXCLUSIVES!!!

The Enema's Pewlizter-Prize Winning Journalist & Roving Reporter!

She'll do anything for a scoop!

The National Enema's
favorite target:
Oscar-winning actor
Russell Crowe

what will the Gladiator star do next? Bambi's got her eye on him...Stay tuned!

Special Newsletter from Bambi Farstucker
2/12/01

SPECIAL NEWSLETTER TO THE BAMBI FAITHFUL!

Your faithful correspondent has been assigned to check out the lyrics of songs played by Thirty Odd Grunts of Feet, Russell Crowe's band.

Bambi was originally directed to the official website, gruntland.com, which told me I needed to plug in my flashlight and asked if I wanted to be flashed or to skip into whatever … Bambi quickly realized that some perverted porn site had taken over the TOGOF name, and she immediately turned her computer off before they snuck a virus in and killed off all of her files.

Your faithful correspondent then found a website called Ultimax Russell Crowe that had all the lyrics to the "Grunts'" songs. Bambi wants to tell you, these are some strange songs, but what can one expect from a band named after flatulence and/or foot odor?

The first one listed is called "Judas Cart" and the lyrics are by Russell Crowe, but the tune seems to have been written by Si Bheag, Si Mhör, whom Bambi assumes is a foreigner of some sort, but is unsure if this Si Si person is male or female. The lyrics are about Crowe's adventures filming "Gladiator" - he mentions a man in a wig (probably that guy with the horrible curly red wig) and not being welcome in his own home, which, of course, is what happened to Maximus (Crowe's character in Gladiator.)

The next song is "Inside Her Eyes" which reveals Crowe's secret desire to be an optometrist.

The third song, "Circus" isn't even written by Russell Crowe! It's by one of the Smothers Brothers and is about the Flying Trapeze movie that Crowe was supposed to make with Jodie Foster before he 'outted' her and she broke his arm.

The next song is "You Treat Me Like Chocolate" which Crowe wrote for Joaquin Phoenix and which Crowe performed as background music in a censored scene from Gladiator (where Emperor Communist gets taken out of his earth-tone toga by his harem of dancing girls.)

Following that is "The Legend of Buried Cable," which is co-written by Crowe's long-time bandmate, Billy Dean Cockrun. In an introduction to this song on their CD, Crowe mentions that it's based on Billy Dean's work experience; Cockrun is a TV cable installer, and he has to install this cable across five lanes of heavy traffic in Sydney. It's a story of his triumph as he makes his cable flow across the street 'like a river' without once harming any of the "Rose of Australia" rosebushes or angering any of the dogs in the moonlight.

It's the next song that is a real eye-opener. Called "She's Not Impressed," it's a sad song about how Meg Ryan wouldn't have his babies in Australia because his father never had a steady job. Check out the lyrics:

You know she's gone and left me
Packed her bags and hit the trail
I'd like to get angry, but I see her point of view
If I was her, I would have left long before now
I want babies
I don't provide the safety she needs
To build her nest
She's just not impressed

Next comes a song ("David") about how many people can have the same name.

That's followed by "What Do You Want Me To Forget." which is a lament, promising the Academy of Actors that he's willing to forget them snubbing him last year (by not awarding him an Oscar for "The Insider").

The next song on this list is called "Nowhere" and was written by Crowe and Kevin Durand, a rap singer that Crowe must have taken pity on and helped out by letting him rap on the "Gas Slight" CD.

After that is a Christmas song, called "Eternity."

And then is another song about Meg Ryan, called "Wendy" - here is a sample of the lyrics:

Wendy's lost another boy
She's gotta take her time to adjust her clothes
fall in love again
Flicks through her magazines and sighs
Hey what the hell
They're only men
They're only men
Sometimes she feels a little lonely
Some days go by and all she feels is scared
Wendy's got a little boy and no one else.

That is followed by a song written by Billy Dean Cockrun, called "Kill Me" which is about his hallucinations that women (who scare him 'sh*tless') are trying to kill him with 'vicious lips.'

Next is another lament by Crowe, "Castlebuilder" where he whinges about how he built a big house in Australia for Meg Ryan and she didn't want to live in it.

But the next song is the big bombshell - titled "Danielle" it's obviously written to Nicole Kidman (notice how Danielle and Nicole are both Frenchified versions of men's names - a clever try to hide his true intention.) These are some of the red-hot lyrics:

How long was it last time
We tortured each other
To the point of cryin' when we finally touched
Too late in the day
As we so often do
You know I love you
But do you trust me?
She angles her head
Do you trust me?
I wish I had said
More than I did
Say, more than you know
If I could only trust myself
Our love could grow.

Obviously, Crowe has been tortured by his hidden love for Kidman and the song ends with the repeated line, "Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you." This is so big, Bambi can hardly wait to turn this amazing news in to her editors at the Mutton Weakly! (She will also be forwarding the story to the Sydney Co-Dependent, who has promised a reward of $10K to anyone who can show that Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman have been canoodling, OR that Russell Crowe and Tom Cruise have been canoodling, either one!).

Your faithful correspondent,
Bambi Farstucker
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800-BAMBI TALKS
ICQ #69696969696969

The latest exclusive story from Bambi Farstucker !
Friday, 2/09/01

From the office of the Sydney Co-Dependent

Your faithful correspondent, Bambi Farstucker (www.b.farstucker.com 1-800 BAMBI TALKS ICQ# 6969696969) just received this secret email, smuggled out of the SC-D's offices by a mystery source, Deep Neck... A Bambi Farstucker exclusive!!

=========================================

The office of the Sydney Co-Dependent is in chaos today. Simon Degree III, the senior vice-president and executive editor in chief of SC-D denies ever having said that the S C-D would be a Crowe-Free Zone for a week. "I was maliciously misquoted out of context and never said that," he declared in an editorial. "Why the flying f*ck would I say a stupid thing like that when all tabloid hell is going to be breaking loose in Sydney any day now?" Degree demanded of his minions. "That crap musta come from one of my former Personal Assistants," he declared, 'all of whom have been fired and replaced by younger and more easily-impressed bim..I mean, women."

Degree called an unprecedented full staff meeting this morning, calling in every employee of the SC-D and screaming at them that if they did not "Find Russell Crowe and get him in bed with Nicole Kidman TODAY!" they were all [to be] fired tomorrow.

Several of the Asian cleaning women giggled loudly at Degree's livid face and sputtering spittle until their supervisor yanked them all out of the room.

Degree ranted for almost 15 minutes about how many photos he would need and how many pages they would devote to the "Kidman and Crowe Runaway Romance" until Louis Lane, daily editor, stood up and declared, "Boss, there ain't no romance!"

Lane was fired on the spot, but quickly rehired by Owner-in-chief, Simon Degree II, who had been visiting the offices in order to find out why severance pay for personal assistants had been so high.

"Sonny, shuttup! You look like Mount Saint Vesuvihelens!" croaked the elder Degree. Turning to face Lane, he demanded querulously, "What's going on here?"

"Well, sir," Lane began, "it seems that Nicole Kidman .."

"That tall redhead from that Batman movie???" asked Degree II.

"Yes, sir, that one," answered Lane. "Well, she is married to Tom Cruise …"

"That fly boy with the toothy grin in Top Gun? Same one who tied up traffic here in Sydney making some spy movie last year?" inquired Degree II.

"The very same," affirmed Lane. "But they just announced they were separating. Then right away, Tom filed for divorce, so everyone thinks something really REALLY 'horrifyingly illicit' must have happened to cause this sudden split, specially cause we just ran a whole 4-page romantic pictorial in our Sunday edition about how they repeated their wedding vows at Christmas."

"So why's my boy yacking about some crow?" asked Degree II.

"Well, sir, he seems to think that Russell Crowe may have been involved somehow …"

"Russell Crowe?" asked a perplexed Degree II. "What movies has he been in?"

"Gladiator"

"The Insider"

"The Sum of Us"

"LA Confidential"

"Romper Stomper"

Voices from all around the room called out titles of Russell Crowe movies.

"Wait just a gold-darned minute here!" demanded Degree II. "I've seen all those movies. You telling me that that same boy was in all those movies? He must have been one of the background guys or something …"

"No, sir," Lane informed him, "he was actually the star of all of them, pretty much."

Degree glared at Lane suspiciously. "That skinhead Hitler boy from Romper Stomper was the Gladiator? That fat scientist nerd from The Insider was the same guy as Jack Thompson's poncy son in The Sum of Us?"

"Yes, sir, he was." Lane told him.

Degree II scratched his head in wonder. "And now you say he stole that @#%$-eating grinner's woman?"

"Not actually, sir," Lane tried to explain. "You see, Crowe is a close friend of both Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, so your son thought maybe he may have been 'too close' to one or the other of them, if you know what I mean …"

Degree II swatted at Lane with a wrinkly liver-spotted hand, "You don't have to tell ME what you mean, laddie! I've been in the tabloid business for 50 years! I can smell a rat when I see one!"

Lane said, "Well, actually, sir, there doesn't seem to be any rat to smell. Crowe hasn't been seen with either of them since before Christmas, except for that Golden Globes knees-up in Los Angeleees, and no one then saw anything happen between any of the three of them, so it's kind of difficult to point a finger at Crowe, if you know what I mean."

Degree II glared at Lane. "Boy, let me tell you a thing or two about this business. It ain't journalism. You ain't gonna be required to prove anything…all you gotta do is say what you want! Do we have any pictures of Crowe with that redhead woman?"

"No, sir, not any recent ones, anyway," Lane told him.

"Who gives a swinging f*ck if they're recent? And with the way that Crowe boy changes his looks, we can use any old picture of that redhead with any man in the world and claim it's Crowe! Use some sense here!! Think of the money he's saving us!"

Lane looked dubious. "So you want us to try to find a story connecting them," he asked Degree II.

Degree II roared, "Screw finding a story! Show some initiative! Make something up!! What do you think I hire writers for? And why else do we pay all those geeks in the Photo Manipulation Department??" Turning back to his son, he hollered, "Sonny! Take your hands outta that girl's shirt before I have to pay more money on out-of-court settlements than you're worth! And go fix me a Vegemite sandwich, I'm feeling all frisky all of a sudden! This reminds me of the good old days, when we didn't even have to leave the office to write eye-witness accounts!"

Bambi Farstucker

National Enema Exclusive - from the desk of Elmer Soundview himself!
Russell Crowe's Secret Love
Sunday, 2/04/01

The National Enema was shocked to hear of Russell Crowe's secret passion. No, not America's Sweetheart Meg Ryan, but none other than his "Gladiator" co-star Joaquin Phoenix.

For years, there have been whispered rumours of Russ's homosexuality. He even played a gay man in the Australian film "The Sum of Us." The veil of hetersexuality was dropped when Russ talked lovingly of Joaquin at the "Critics Choice Awards." Russell lovingly called Joaquin " my beautiful, sweet, chocolate prince" and noted that he (Russ) wished Joaquin "was here because he's just gotta learn that he cannot hide anymore-everyone knows."

Insiders on the "Gladiator" set say that the homoerotic tone of the movie is to blame for the clandestine romance. The coliseum was filled with phallic shaped statues, spikes coming out of the walls and, not to mention, Maximus and Commudus impaling each other with knives. The internet's foremost Christian Betty Bowers noted this in her "Gladiator" review :

Mrs. Bowers counted 86 salacious "genital bulge" shots -- 7 of which were in a decidedly turgid state. In fact, there may well have been more, but Mrs. Bowers was so utterly overwhelmed by how the character Maximus lived up to his name, she simply lost count.

The movie is confected of two things notoriously homosexual: (a) sweaty, muscular men impaling each other within moments of meeting; and (b) an exquisite placement of period furniture.

Russell has been a recent favorite of National Enema's readers due to his relationship to Meg (is my husband around?) Ryan. Those in the know say that Russell was attracted to Meg because he thought she was in the middle of a sex change. "The adam's apple, man hands, feet and walk sure fooled Russell" noted his friend Norm Schull. Before the holidays, Russ learned that Meg really was a woman and broke the relationship off.

Other friends of Joaquin and Russell scoff at the rumours. "Russ is the most hetersexual man I've ever met" states a close friend. "Russ walks into a room and womens' panties drop and Russ takes full advantage of this power." Joaquin's agent states "Joaquin is terribly vexed by the rumours and as a life-time vegetarian has an aversion to meat in any form."

What then is the meaning behind the term "my beautiful sweet chocolate prince?" Sources close to Russ and Joaquin say it's a inside joke started while filming the final climatic fight scene in "Gladiator." Commodus has on an all white suit that, on Joaquin, reminded Russ of a giant, white chocolate easter bunny. When reached for comment , Crowe's publicist laughed and told us to "get a f!@#ing life."

Elmer Soundview

National Enema Exclusive - (stolen clean from the Mutton Weakly)
The Sydney Co-Dependent Declares a "Crowe-Free Zone"

(Article from the Mutton Weakly)
Jan 2001

Unwilling to admit their total and complete frustration, the Sydney Co-Dependent has issued a statement declaring themselves to be a "Crowe-Free Zone" for the next week.

Inside sources tell correspondent Bambi Farstucker (www.b.farstucker.com 1-800 BAMBI TALKS ICQ# 6969696969) that the real reason behind the SC-D's decision to 'ignore' Crowe stems from the fact that they have not been able to find anything malicious to print about him.

"What the f*ck are we supposed to do, print that he loves his mum and is nice to kids? What kind of sales can we expect to get with crap like THAT on the front page?" demanded Simon Degree III, the senior vice-president and executive editor in chief of SC-D, from his palatial office in suite 264 of the Hotel Sea Air.

It fell to Louis Lane, daily editor of the SC-D to explain to Degree III why their usually extremely creative staff had not been able to come up with any suitably salacious pseudo-stories about Crowe for that week's edition.

"We've had free-lance snakes, I mean sneaks posted all around the perimeter of his NSW property, and all we can come up with is that he is seems awfully interested in the welfare of his cows," Lane sniveled.

Degree III ranted animatedly in a staff meeting as Lane continued, "We flew heli's over his property and got pictures of people in his pool."

Degree III pounded his pudgy fists on the top of his $35,000 Roman marble desk as he vented his frustration, fueled by countless Frito-pies flown in exclusively for him from Austin, Texas.

Lane ducked under a flying bag of chili-laden Fritos and continued, "We followed him all around Sydney while he was promoting the release of a new CD by his band, Thirty Odd Grunt of Feets (aka TOGOF) but all we got were blandly philosophical statements about having to make changes in your life by yourself and holding on to dreams."

"We did consider it odd when he clutched a floor mop throughout an interview at the premiere of his new CD, Bastard's Life on Charity," Lane commented, much to the interest of Degree III, "but we were unable to obtain the mop afterwards, and thus were unable to confirm reports that the mop may have been an effigy of a former girlfriend." Degree III moaned loudly and demanded the instant firing of 20 male interns and the canceling of Christmas.

"We can't even get any pictures of him standing anywhere near any female under the age of 55 or over the age of 12! How the f*ck are we supposed to fabricate any pictures of him if he won't even get near anyone in his own age bracket?" Degree III demanded of his myriad personal assistants, (many of whom went to the same modeling school as your faithful correspondent, Bambi Farstucker -- see above for contact information).

Lane attempted to placate his irate boss by informing him that the SD-C's staff was sparing no expense in attempting to access known Internet pictures of the nefarious Crowe cavorting with farm animals. Degree III silenced him quickly by means of hitting him directly between the beady little eyes with a half-used jar of Vegemite. "I don't want to hear any more about internet pictures!" he roared. "The Sydney Harbour Slime already scooped us with those year-old pictures of Crowe with that free Love broad they found on the internet! Why didn't OUR people find those pictures?" he demanded, spittle spraying from his pouty swollen lips.

Lane quickly backed out of the room, mumbling something about perch and RCBM missiles and invisigoths, and promising to find SOMETHING salacious about Crowe for next week's issue.

Respectfully submitted,
Bambi Farstucker
Free-lance correspondent and model
frequent contributor to The Mutton Weakly
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800 BAMBI TALKS
ICQ 6969696969

Bambi Farstucker