I Have Lost Myself
A young woman splits into another for solace
Last time I checked,
I was flying with Zeus under a moon-carved sky.
But then I fell to earth.
My head is full of cobwebs,
They choke my thoughts,
And make me tear my lurid memories,
In great handfuls of filthy words.
The last time I saw myself,
I was waving a white flag.
But nobody knew I was surrendering.
They thought it was some celebration or another...
I am wandering barefoot in the dark caverns of my past.
Monsters leap out at me and sneer, "Dirty girl!
You know you are a very dirty little girl".
I didn't mean to let her do that to me.
Six-month-olds cannot speak,
Or cry out in betrayal and raging fear.
But I guess you had to leave me with her.
"Mommy! I need to get her away from me!"
Something way down inside is shutting quietly down,
Like a trap clasping its prey
When it knows it cannot escape.
Yes, Mother dear,
I have lost myself.
You can call me Sarah now.
You said you always liked the name...
Sarah keeps me safe.
She keeps the monsters away.
Jane Wanklin
1997.