Suicidal Sadie

Mental Health Literature Continues

Note: The three chapters from "Let Me Make It Good" are at the bottom of this page. Thank you.

Suicidal Sadie: A Short Story


Sitting on the edge of her brighly-coloured aphgan on an unmade bed, Sadie Schilling stared blandly at the cache of pink antidepressants in her tiny hand. Beside her on the bedside table stood a tall glass of chocolate milk. "Might as well go out with something tasty", she mused morosely, a single tear wending its way down her pretty, gamine-like face.

At fifteen, poor Sadie had felt the end had come. She was flunking out of school, she found it almost impossible to make friends,and the insidious trap of bulimia snagged her by the feet and dragged her,like an automaton, from kitchen fridge to bathroom toilet, sometimes up to twenty times a day. As the golden-haired woman-child stared disgustedly at her skinny, bone-wracked body, she punched herself hard in her concave stomach.

"You fat pig! "Sadie hissed angrily to herself. "No wonder you have no friends. Nobody wants to hang with a ton of lard". Pushing the ever-enviting pills of self-destruction around her bony hand, Sadie thought of her brother, Bruce, who would greatly miss her when she was gone. The two had been very close since childhood, since they were less than two years apart in age and often Sadie had sat in his room, festooned with "Green Day" and "Oassis" and "R.E.M.", and posters, and confided in her tow-headed younger brother some of her pain.

Sadie had recently been diagnosed with clinical depresssion, seeemingly a scourge of 1990's youth and had been put on the antidepressant called "Paxil" to help quell the emotions that threatened to destroy the fragile teen.

Bruce would play soothing songs by R.E.M. for Sadie when she got like this, but was really too young to do much to "snap her out of it". He just stayed with her during the most difficult times, as their yuppie parents both worked twelve hours a day, obstensibly to put their children through college, but actually to uphold the grandiose, BMW lifestyle they had come to enjoy.

Sadie's mother did talk to her daughter, but only about things like school, finding a boyfriend, and all the things that mothers figured that their offspring wanted to discuss. But Sadie didn't either want or need that. She just wanted Erin Schilling to sit down with her for a couple of hours and really LISTEN to what her troubled daughter had to say. Erin had no indkling that the Paxil was not working and that Sadie was "sliding down the slippery slope" toward self-destruction.

Bruce, who didn't find it as difficult to approach his busy mother, said one day, "You know, Sadie's been really down. I don't think those pills are doing anything for her".

Erin smiled, showing bright, white teeth framed by the most expensive lipstick. "Now, you know what her doctor said. The pills take time to work. Your sister just needs to be more patient".

"But I'm kind of worried about her", Bruce responded, kicking at the linoleum with his sneakers, "She hasn't been herself lately. She stays in her room dressed in black most of the time, with dark eye shadow and listening to really depresing CD's like Nine Inch Nails' "Downward Spiril".

"Huh. If their nails are that long, they need a manicure".

"Mom, you're not listening!! You're too busy with your executive job, martini lunches and living the "life of Riley" to see that your older kid's in a lot of pain!"

Erin rumpled Bruce's hair affectionately. "Sometimes I think you are the older one. You are wise beyond your years. Tell you what: As soon as I get back from this extremely important board meeting, I shall have a long, heart-to-heart with Sadie". "Promise?" Bruce had heard this line of patter before.

"I promise. Now don't worry so much! You just got into your teens. Enjoy them! They're the best time of your life!"

"You never told Sadie that, did you?" Bruce frowned, thinking of what a negative impact this would have on his depressed sister.

"I might have. Does it matter?"

"Nevermind, Mom. Better get to your meeting".

Erin kissed Bruce tenderly on the cheek, careful not to leave a trace of lipstick and then was out the front door before Bruce even had a chance to ask when she would be back. Afterward, Bruce returned with trepidation to Sadie's room, wondering why he felt so creepy.

The answer was agonizingly evident when the boy entered his sister's dimly-lit room. She lay sprawled on her bed, eyes closed and unmoving, with an emtpy bottle of pills at her side.

"Oh God...Sadie you didn't!!! Oh my God!! I gotta call 911!!"

But even after the paramedics arrived, there was nothing they could do. "She took enough of this Paxil to kill an elephant in a half hour. Must be over two hundred pills if this bottle was full. And I assume it was since the prescription date is for today".

Bruce was numbed with shock and disbelief. With words forming with difficulty he stammered, "She hadn't been taking them for a month....she had a four-month supply stored up. But I never knew she was this bad. Honest. I just didn't know!"

One of the paramedics put a comoforting arm around the distraught boy. "Where are your parents, son?"

"At work. They're both at work".

"But it's after seven PM".

"They like to work late. Brings in more cash", Bruce responded ruefully, suddenly feeling waves of rage for his mother and father.

"All the money in the world won't bring her back", he said, returning to the bedside of the dead Sadie.

Bruce slid down the wall and sat on the floor, bursting into tears of sorrow and anger. This hadn't had to happen. His mother should have been here and not at some dumb board meeting.

Suffice it to say, both Erin and her husband would pay the price of disenfranchising their children and "Xing" them out of their lives. A young life had to be sacrificed before those parents saw the error of their ways.


Borderlines and Rejection
Life can be a bitch. Accept it and hold your head high and forget about those who rebuke you. They aren't worth the aggravation, believe me


Haiku Of Reflection
Some dark ruminating by a depressed borderline


Just For Today
Some good words by which to live


Let Me Make It Good: A Chronicle Of My Life With Borderline Personality Disorder
A Summary of the first three chapters of the book
Summing up the first part of the book very briefly


Chapter Four: The Shadow Girl, Part One
I learn the hard lesson of wishing my life as a "Twiggy wabbabe". The battleground is set


The Shadow Girl, Part Two
My battle with anorexia continues


The Shadow Girl, Conclusion
I finally get my act together, for now at least


Chapter Seven: The Ivory Towers Are Crumbling All Around Me: My Freshman Year At York, Part One
I learn that university life isn't as wonderful and idyllic as I had once imagined


Chapter Seven: The Ivory Towers Are Crumbling All Around Me: My Freshman Year At York, Part Two
More melodrama as I turn the corner from teenager to young adult and pop too much Ritalin


Chapter Seven: The Ivory Towers Are Crumbling All Around Me: My Freshman Year At York, Conclusion
Things begin to wind down as the end of the year appoaches, but not without some snags


Chapter Eleven: Auschwitz In the L.P.H.: The Death Of Hope, Part One
I find myself trapped on a very inhumane and abusive Behaviour Modification ward in the London Psychiatric Hospital in the late 1970's


Chapter Eleven: Auschwitz In the L.P.H.: The Death Of Hope, Part Two
The nightmare continues


Chapter Eleven: Auschwitz In the L.P.H.: The Death Of Hope, Part Three
My hope for ever being released from this Hell on earth diminishes


Chapter Eleven: Auschwitz In the L.P.H.: The Death Of Hope, Conclusion
I finally see a small chink of light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel


Losing friends due to BPD
A hard lesson in reality from one who has loved and lost


The Anger Inside
The Unconsuming Fury

Announcement: I am going to put some chapters of my fictional book on Borderline Personality Disorder on this site, to give you an idea of what it is all about. I hope you find them interesting. I may even get one up tonight. This one should reach more people than my non-fiction work.