How to piss off Star Wars fans...

(Don't get me wrong, I loved the original trilogy, but this is brilliant!)

When someone starts in about the life-changing role the first Star Wars movie played in their developmental years, casually announce that you've never seen it, but that you've heard it's "pretty good".

Get crucial terminology wrong - drives the die-hards postal. Confuse Wookies with "Winkies" and call Yoda "Yodel". Refer to Return of the Jedi as Revenge of the Jedi.

Get the names of key characters wrong. Or better, forget them entirely. For example, say something like, "You remember that guy from those movies ... you know ... the guy with the black plastic face and the respiratory problem?" Or, "My favourite is Ben-Wa Kenubi. You know the old English guy? I love that guy!"

Insist that The Empire Strikes Back is the only worthwhile Star Wars movie because "it's so dark".

Confuse rabidly fan-based science-fictional universes. Not only will it save time, you'll double your satisfaction by offending two rabid nerdocracies at once! For example: insist that Luke Skywalker is fighting for "The Federation" and that Chewbacca (or better "Chewbaccy") is a "Vulcan". More over, assert that "Boldly go where no man has gone before" is a Jedi commandment, and brush off all attempts at correction with a dismissive "Whatever. As if anyone cares."

Make vaguely unsettling insinuations about George Lucas. Try: "Isn't he involved in some sort of DNA-cloning controversy?" Or: "I hear he only talks to his mother through a TV monitor." Or this fail safe: "I read this piece where he said Star Wars is for people who hate sex."

Insist that there's a "latent homoerotic subtext" to the Han Solo-Luke Skywalker relationship, and that you're made uncomfortable by Lucas' "non-critical neo-Nazi aesthetic." When asked what the hell you are talking about, roll your eyes and refer to the "blatant homage to Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will " at the end of the first movie, then add "Don't tell me you didn't notice?"

When someone describes the insane lengths they went to see The Phantom Menace - camping out, taking time off work, neglecting loved ones, not bathing, etc. - respond by suddenly recalling that someone you know "in the business" gave you free tickets but you lost them. Then add: "Funny, that's the first time I've even thought about it."

May the force be with you ... Live long and prosper.