Funny Quotes [Update: 06/02/02] Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp", to have an "S" in it? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Groucho Marx: 'I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.' First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive. Groucho Marx: 'From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed wuith laughter. Some day I intend reading it.' Anonymous: Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Groucho Marx: 'Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draught from here.' Peter Lawrence: 'America is a country that doesn’t know where it is going, but is determined to set a speed record getting there.' Anonymous: 'What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.' Anonymous: 'His idea of fun is throwing an egg in an electric fan.' Henny Youngman: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. A hostess asked Bernard Shaw if he was enjoying himself and he replied: 'Certainly, there is nothing else here to enjoy.' Henny Youngman: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Anonymous: Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rodney Dangerfield: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.