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TOP REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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