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The Peril

MH³ Weakly Newsletter of Hash Indignties (FOR MEMBERS ONLY !!!)

1st December 1998,(Tuesday) Run #1644 Tuesday, November 24, 1998 1.5 km Past the Bakam Turn-Off Hares : Philip Tang, Bbi Kiew & Tang Chung San

    I missed the last two hashes, so I was looking forward to todays run. For once it looked like it was to be dry run.!

    We gather at a point that was a long 1 km past the Bakam turnoff. It seems like a large crowd. Word must have got out about there possibly being T-shirts.

    The hare gave directions and it was ON-ON. The run drifted at first, until an amazingly insistent Nosher headed straight up the hill. The only time I see Nosher trying to front run like this is when he already knows the way. Seemed like a good idea, so I followed. Unfortunately he was not right, but fairly close anyway, so I ended up near the front of the pack.

    To drift from the subject a bit. We have the wanker of the week awards, and many a hasher is called wanker. I am not sure everybody understands this highly versatile word. My thesaurus tells me that wank can be used in a sexual context (as in “ go have a wank”), a context denoting selfishness (as in “what a wanker”), and a context of deluding one self (as in “what a load of wank”).

    The word wank and its related word, wanker originates from Great Britain. In the most popular form, to wank is to masturbate, pull the pud, flog the sausage, beat the meat, to have a tug, to jerk off and so on and so on. Hence a Wanker usually implies a person who is prone to doing these.
The word originates from English boarding schools. Wank is the sound that steel sprung boarding school beds make at night when lonely adolescent school boys, find them self at a loose end and give themselves a hand “ so to speak”. At night all you hear is the sound of the beds squeaking -wank-wank, wank-wank, wank-wank, wank-wank, wank wank!!!!!. If you don’t believe me ,ask any of the Brits who went to boarding school. If they deny it, it is obviously true.

    Wanker has moved around the world. First the Brits exported it around the Empire and then the Commonwealth.. More recently it has crossed the Atlantic. It would now be quite fair to say there are lot of Wankers in America.

    Getting back to the hash. My tactics in most hashes is to try to get up with the font of the pack at the beginning, and then slowly drop back to be with the other fat bastards, by the end of the hash. Today this was not to be!!!!. By a fairly confusing array of ridge trails and shortcuts, front runners found themselves at the back, and short cutting bastards found themselves being shortcut by middle runners. Due more to sheer arse (and not good planning) I managed to stay relatively close to the front.

     The run was basically a series of ridge running , followed by a bit of mud and then some more ridge stuff and them out to the road. I thought it was OK,   After running along the ridge for a while I spot a van up ahead , and thinks to myself “T-shirts”. A package is handed to me and it contains -------SOAP ???!!!!

     I’ve had T-shirts, head-bands, mugs, stickers, towels etc, given to me on hashes. This is the first time. I have been given soap. Is someone trying to imply that the average hasher pongs?!!. Its bad enough that hashers get cleaned up before going to the ON-ON. Now they are giving soap to help. (don’t get me wrong, I am not going to turn down a freebie).

    What has happened to the good old days when hashers went straight to the ON-ON, with little bits of drying turd still on their T shirts ,and an aroma that would clear a restaurant (and sometimes the one next door) of all other customers?

    Everybody trickles back and gathers back at the wagon for the usual conviviality. Jock the strap approached me and says “its aboot time ya doon a wroot oop.” a few quick mental translations into english and I volunteer.

    The hares are put on the wagon for a down down, followed by run of others for various crime and offenses (that for the life of me I cannot recall) Carlsberg Lim is put onto the wagon for not wearing an approved hash outfit (a towel). On the wagon his towel is removed. Much to the disappointment of the Harriet’s, he still has undies on. Still, you could see them checking out the packaging. I will give Carlsberg the benefit of the doubt, as he was probably cold up there. (Scots tell me that if you try to swim in the sea near Aberdeen, your wedding tackle does not just shrink in the cold water, it almost completely disappears. All you can hear is a whoosh as your balls shoot up towards your neck)

    I heard that there are 18 virgins today, (someone must have leaked out that it was a T shirt run !). As Melonhead calls out the names, no-one appears. They can’t all have gone!! A little bit of language conversion from American into Malaysian - Chinese and they start to assemble. After downing their beers, Melonhead loses control of the situation as the virgins throw more cold water at him than he gives out.

    As a result, one poor virgin suffers the wrath of Melonhead and is thrown off the wagon, crashing to the ground with a the sound of splintering bones. She hobbles up and is given the hash cure all, (iced water over her tits!!). It must worked as she seemed OK after this.

    The ON ON was at the Q-Q restaurant which is near Toysworld. Hashers used to give directions with respect to the nearest Bar, or Barber saloon. Now it is with respect to toy shops!!!.

    My spies tell me that apart from serving sweet and sour everything it was the usual assortment of food, beer, down downs, food fight, hash song, bill, complaints about amount of food, complain about the cost of food, go to ON ON ON, beer, more beer, go home (optional). In other words people had a good time.!

ON ON                                                                                                Fireballs Faehrmann

The story below is supposedly true.
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

There are guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts 'I've shagged your mum!'. The three guys look bewildered as the man resumes drinking at the bar.
Ten minutes later he comes back. 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. Same thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces 'I've had your mum up the arse!'.
The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, bugger off home'.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the
doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

The Malaysian Works Minister, known for his low IQ, attended the United Nations' Meeting. He actually represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2000.
Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate: "By the year 2000, China will start their moon exploration project. "
Russian Delegate: " We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."
Bill Clinton: " We the United States will also explore the moon for second time."
Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2000, Malaysia will explore the sun."
There was a long silence, Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysia Delegate: " Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Malaysian Delegate: ( after a long silence replied) "We will do it in the evening