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The Peril

19th January 1999 MH³ Weakly Newsletter of Hash Indignties (FOR MEMBERS ONLY !!!)

Run: 1655 ( Tuesday ) Date: 12th January 1999 Location: 2 km UP Bakam Turn-Off Hares: Jock the Strap & Blow Fish
Nice rain in town all day, and a little more on the drive out. It looked like a sure bet for slippery slopes, and we could only be thankful the rubbery foothills don’t match the giants in the Park. After a seemingly endless series of shorter runs from our ‘Hare of the Year’, we were looking forward to a serious hash set by the Brits.

The Religious Advisor must have been communing all afternoon because as we neared the Water Works the rain stopped and the road was dry. No tee shirt, no mug, and no throng of virgins lining up for goodies. Word must have got around that the run might be long. We went off searching for paper, and I took my guess up the small road while the other half of the hash checked further towards Bakum. They were soon sucked back by the Joint Master’s On-On long before we hit paper, but his luck held out and Give-her-one found the trail a few moments later. The calling on this hash was abysmal, so I offer a few guidelines (but no rules):

If there is a check, call checking. Normally the Hash Horn should wait at the check and lay the paper through for the back runners. If there is no Hash Horn around someone should pick up the paper and wait at the check to lay the paper through. If you pick up the paper and don’t want to wait around, give it to some poor tired sole that is willing to wait while you go check. Don’t pick up the paper and walk off or the rest of the pack won’t know where to go. If there is no check but you are off paper, call ‘looking’. don’t call ‘checking’ if there is no check. If there is a false trail, call ‘false trail’, and then ‘looking’. Checks can go anywhere, false trails usually go back a ways to find the paper. Don’t call ‘no paper’, it sounds like on paper to those busting their balls (if they have them) who are actually looking for paper somewhere else. If you find the paper, call On-On, or On Paper. Seems simple.

Anyway it was a good run of about an hour. There were only three or four virgins, one sweet young nubile thing whom Dick Tracy gallantly helped onto the wagon, plus Mark Newell, a good Miri runner for the last three years and adamant NON-HASHER. I don’t know what changed his mind but I think he enjoyed the run.

A few long runners and criminals and off to the On-On at Ying Yang Café, across the car park from Curly Dicks phone shop. Only about 15 showed up, the rest must have been suffering from holiday brain damage. The good news was they didn’t charge us for the 20-30 persons expected. The rest of the good news was we had enough beer for a wedding. The RA had no choice but to double the normal down-down allotment and that’s about all I remember.

ON ON ` Hormone

Hash Trash

A seventy-five-year-old guy whose hair is completely white marries a twenty-two year-old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the maternity ward and says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins"
He says, "Heh, heh, heh. Well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Yeah? Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.'

Twin bothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, mistaking him for John. She said to him, "I'm sorry for your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Oh, hell no. Face is I'm sorta glad to berid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. The hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked like crazy and it got to be too hard to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was these four tough guys who rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyway. The damned fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. While they were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.