12/27/00

RANT

Okay, so I’m a bit out of practice at ranting. Why, you might ask? Maybe because I’ve been too busy with going to grad school, playing drums and getting my book published. Maybe my new meds are finally taking effect :) Or maybe I’ve lost my nasty edge, now that I’ve been married to my wonderful wife for a year and a half.

Actually, I think there’s just been too much damn material to rant about in 2000. The month-long Presidential campaign (that is, the one after the two-year campaign that preceded it) ... well, what more can one contribute? Between that and the Alien Gonzales nonsense, I think the U.S. now has enough reasons to secede from Florida. I’ve often thought it would be great for America to annex Cuba and start putting up hotels and parking lots with impunity; now, however, I’d rather see us give Florida to Castro as a thinly veiled goodwill gesture. (I’d wait until Janet Reno moves back to Miami, though.)

Remember how I once boldly stated that all NFL games are fixed? More evidence: this past Sunday, someone at the league office saw that if the Detroit Lions won their final game, they’d knock out the much more telegenic St. Louis Rams, who had to beat New Orleans and hope for a Detroit loss. Once it appeared certain the Rams would triumph, things started to go inexplicably wrong for the Lions, who had led the hapless Bears for much of the game. When a last-second Chicago field goal sealed a berth for the Rams, it should have been obvious to all that the fix was in.

Speaking of football, hey, how about those Chargers? Every week, there was another visiting team and another majority of the opposing team’s fans. Or so I’m told ... cleaning up cat vomit would have been more appealing than attending Chargers games this year. The only NFL team that plays 16 games in front of hostile crowds managed to lose 15; I can just imagine the dreaded Spanoses in their owner’s box, being fellated by the San Diego city council, watching each "home" loss and laughing all the way to the bank.

People I won’t miss in 2001: obviously, Bill Clinton. As president, that is; he won’t remain out of the public eye for longer than 30 seconds. The aforementioned Janet Reno--I’m sure all that bending over for Bill and Al did wonders for her Parkinson’s. Former San Diego mayor Susan Golding--there’s a big lot in downtown SD with some concrete pillars sticking out of it that was to be a "ballpark" ... now it’s less likely to seat baseball junkies than it is to provide a gathering place for real junkies. Jesse Jackson--you know, he’s never going away. I have a disturbing theory about Jesse; I think he wants to be assassinated. That would be the peak of his "career"--achieving martyrdom like his dear friend Dr. King. What Jesse’s never been able to get is that King's message (it seems to me) was about bringing people together, not dividing them as Jesse’s always eager to do.

And another thing: now that we’re on the eve of 2001, the media have been quick to tell us what idiots we were last year, that this year is the start of the "real" millennium. News flash: anyone with a brain knew last year wasn’t the start of the new century; I’ll bet many of us just got sick of the hype surrounding Y2K and gave up, saying, fine, call it whatever you want.

Me, I think the new century begins January 20, 2001, when Bill Clinton is dragged kicking and screaming from the Oval Office and George W. is sworn in. Much ado has been made about what W. lacks. Well, let’s see, he’s not smooth (like Clinton), he’s not an intellectual (like Gore), he’s not super-ambitious (like Hillary) ... I’d call that addition by subtraction.

I, personally, plan on enjoying the next four years. Might as well, because Hill’s gonna run for president in 2004 and she’s gonna win. Can anyone imagine her not taking California and New York? She’ll probably win in Florida, too ... another good reason to cede the Sunshine State to Fidel.

/RANT

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