Lisa's Journal

(Ski Vacation) January 17th - January 24th

I wrote all of this while I was in colorado and am now recopying it on here :)

January 17th.. I'm in a hotel room, sitting on a bed, while charlie yuawns his head off in the bed next to mine. We sould be in Breckinridge, but we spent 8 hours on the road and ended up where we started. long story.. and I'm also blinded by tears ( original ) as I write this, but of course I'm trying to hide it from mom $ charlie.. here's what happend today, as you can tell it was rough *duh*. I woke up at 7am, jumped right out of bed, and online, to say goodbye to my love. I felt so bad leaving matt, but I just figured he'd discover how fun it is to get out of the house. ( if not I'll just have to break him in when he gets over here, hehe ) Everyone was really calm, milling around the house, waking up. Chris and Brad had come over the night before, and were packing their stuff. Chris and brad ( 28, 22 ) are charlies ( my moms bf ) sons. I got my things together, thinking I was awaiting a fun filled week of snow, ice skating, skiing, ect. I pulled myself away from the computer, and we left.

It was a two hours drive to Tampa international airport. We got there, unloaded, and waited about an hour for our plane. We flew from tampa to dallas texas. For the plane ride I got the window seat... oh it was beautiful. But I must say the mississippi is so discustingly brown. Blah... we waited an hour in dallas, then boarded our plane for our flight to denever, colorado. I loved looking out the window at everything. Seeing how tiny id is, and all. Unfortunatly I felt that was going to be the closes to the stars as I'm going to get. But I'm not done growing yet and I'm a fairly interigiant person. I just may make my dream come into a realality. Hmmm this altitude may be getting to me, lol. I'm 110% dreamer :)

We arrived in denverr, got out stuff, and rental car. As soon as I stepped outside my eyes got huge and I ran back in, it was freezing! Anyway we got out car and made our way to brekenridge. I was all worried about not seeing snow... hah hah we ended up driving through one of the worst snow storms denver had saw in 20 years. We couldnt even see in front of us and the snow was coming down hard. We made our way through the highway with the other cars going about 5 mph.

Chris, brad, and I talked. They seem really cool and nice guys. Its funny to watch them, they're hilarious with each other. So our 1 and a half hour trip turned into a 3 hours one.

We got to the tunnel but these guys were directing traffic back down the mountain. There was an avalanch on the other side of the mountain so we couldnt get to brecknridge. We tturned around and got at an exit and drove into this little town. It was snowing and so beautiful. It was this cute little town, everything was made out of brick and it looked so old fashion. Talk about stuck in a time worp. no one had touched the snow anywhere, so it looked like a blanket of it. My frist time in snow and it was rather tempting because loren was bending over. I picked some up, packed it real tight, and threw it at him. Of course with my arm, it hit him straight on the ass. He grunted, got up, and looked at me, so I ran like hell. He tackled me head first then carried me back to the car. He put me over his shoulder, carried me over, set me down, then told me to behave! Im like, "uhhh.. okay Da Da". I walked away and down the street, and stopped at this lamp post. I looked up at the moon.. it was beautiful ( of course ) everything around me was, and I felt so alive.

Chris, Brad, Charlie... okay instead of naming everyone, hehe... ALL of us walked over to this place called "the ram". We sat down and ate, and brad leaned over to me and we started talking. All of a sudden he says, "Lisa you know what im just sying to see?" I asked what. He said, "well for some guy to walk over to you and start flirting and then ask you age, you'd be like "well 13". Im just dying to see the look on their face!" I laughed and told him I doubted he would ever see it. He told me I could probably order and beer and wouldnt get asked for ID in some places. Now that is SO hard to imagion. I have such a baby face, bhut being tall sure does have its qualities. He told me about when we m et and he asked my age he was guessing 16 or 17. Hah HAH!! Little off there! I wonder if brad was drunk or something.

Heh, I'm proud of the fact that we drove from Black hawk, to Denver colorado going to EVERY motel/hohtel we could find, between those towns/cities. Around 1 am we got back to denver and finaly found a hotel with a vacancy. When my mom and Charlie left, to go inside to get a couple of rooms, Brad, chris and loren started talking about them. We're all uncomfortable with their drinking habbits. They had a lot of alchohol today, and that always makes me very very uncomfortable. When they're drunk they dont beat me, or mistreat me, or each other, or throw things ( like a certain someone ). But its like watching them be silly, and forget things I tell them when they're drunk. I dont like seeing my parents, who are supposed to set an example for me, and who I'll pretty much be like when I'm older, unable to control themselfs. My moms very tiny and if she has one glass of wine, then shes drunk. I dont like seeing her like that. In fact I hate it. Okay I may be over reacting or just way to sensitive about this whole thing.. who gives a fuck! It bothers me so its worth talking about. I dont know. When I'm older I will never drink. Not even socialy, or at a party. I wont date anyone who does either.. when I leave this house to go on my own alcohol will NOT be a part of my life.

I wish I had soemone who understood me, you know? I feel so god damn alone sometimes. I tell people how I feel, and they look at me funny, or say I'm acting lame. When I look up at the stars and just ramble on about them, and the moon, I just can't take my eyes off the,. I'm obsessed!! Obsessed with learning things. very very obsessed. Does ANYONE feel that way? Like they wanna unlock the mysteries of the universe and travel the stars? ( how star treck of me!! ) Oh god I'm even embarised to type that. Like what if matt reads that which im sure he will?? I mean he'll be like, "oh man I'm in love with a lame, dream like, loonatic!!". Oh well at least im being honest on here :)

January 18th..Rough day as normal. Im starting to get used to it, believe it or not.

We left the motel and headed for the highway, all of us hoping they cleared the avalanch, so we could get through. The mountains were breathe taking. Chris put his arm around Brad and me and said, "Ladies and gentlemen.. welcome to breknridge". I just grinned out the window.

We got to out condo.. 20 feet from the taylors. I came back from lunch, and found gracie rolling in the snnow and standing up. She's like 5'5" and the snow was up to her chest. She told me to jump in, I'm like, "hell no!" I went in and put on every piece of clothing I brought with me THEN jumped in. We probably spent 2 hours outside. We "rompt" around and there was so much fricking snow. in the very back there was like 4 feet of it so I just layed back and dug up a couple trees, lol.

The taylor family and mine went out to eat together. They ate at one table and gracie and I at another. I didnt feel like eating, so just watched gracie. When she finished we went over to the other table to tell them we would walk back to the house. Then mrs.taylor looks up at me and goes "NO YOU MAY NOT!!" I asked why and she says "BECAUSE i SAID SO THATS WHY!!". Her eyes were small and she stared at me like I was beating the crap out of her daughter right infront of her or something. I was really surprised by her reaction so managed to make my way back to the table without snorting, or rolling my eyes.. you know those pissy things young teenage girls do. :)

We made our way back to the condo and when we got inside I asked my mother what mrs.taylors problem was. She explained that gracie has different freedoms than I do.. errrr or MUCH less, or aka they have a leash around the poor girls neck that is about an inch long. They really dont think she can walk a black with me without getting kidnapped and raped. They obviously dont know me very well.. sure if we were faced with that problem I'd be scared as hell, but I wouldnt let them touch gracie. Gracie is 12 and a half BTW. I've known her for 8 years, and she's like a little sister to me. I dont get what her mom was thinking! What? Lumber jack bob and farmer ted are going to come and kidnap gracie and I in a VERY safe neighborhood? yea, ok.

Loren came over asking what we were talking about. i told him and he said, "thats probablty the boose talking". Charlie turned around and asked what he said. The comment pissed charlie off majorly. I think it just tipped it all off from all the rhings loren has said and done. It just was the last straw, I guess. Charlie started yelling about it and I covered my ears and ran to the stairs and sat down. They were both yelling now and in each others faces. I can't stand yelling unless I'm involved. When I was a kid and my parents were still together.. they would fight and yell and scream, so I would always hide in the closet. Doing that I knew, made them shut up because they knew it was upsetting me. I dont know why it always upset me. Oh well why not tell the whole world how week I can be, eh? As I was saying theyt were getting in each tohers faces, yelling and screaming. Loren was on the verdge of tears but still was in charlies face. It was horrible because both of them were about to hit the other.. I had a couple of tears running down my cheek so I walked up to them and asked them to please stop. They ginored me and kept getting at it. Charlie told loren to go to his room, and Loren told charlie why doesnt he go to his. I was really scared, lorens like 6ft and 200 pounds and charlie is strong as an ox. They could REALLY hurt each other. Charlie started physicaly dragging loren up the stairs. I tried running up them as well to get away from them but I just dropped on my knees on the stairs and sobbed. It reminded me so fucking much of living with my father.. there would be screaming sessions every night and something would always get broken or someone would always end up having a bruse on them. Loren was really being hurt.. not physicaly.. but on the inside. It hurt my heart so much to see my big 17 year old brother crying. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him I loved him and that it would be okay.. but we arent very close like that so i took him upstairs and sat him down and talked. After I stopped crying like a baby and was able to walk more shit happend, but I dont feel like getting into it. I want to go home so much. I want to talk with matt, and I want someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay. But this is life right? you dont get everything you want. Or so I hear.

January 19th..Last night I slept by the fire and thought. Was really nice falling asleep infront of it. Today wasent very exciting. We went out for breakfast and I actually wore my hair down. hehe, the people of brecknridge should feel very special, cause I dont do that much. My right shoulder was killing me, has been ever since we got here.

I went to ski school also. Our instructor was this really nice ( dont laugh ) grand other. For 60 years old she sure was in great shape. We learned several things.. but when she was teaching us how to turn I started feeling light headed. Then I got this head ache and cept falling over for no reason. She helped me up and asked if I was okay. I told her how I was feeling and she said it was because of the alititude. I guess being 2 miles highers than you've been before in your whole life can do that to a person.

January 20th..yesterday was broing.. today was great. Mom and I took private ski lessons with Olivia. We went up the slopes to this one called "Silverthorne". it was great! Theres this things called a "wedge" that is supposed to slow you down. When the lesson was over my mom and I took a wrong turn on the slopes and ended up on the top of this very hard course. We tried to do it.. I went very fast and I wedged, and baby I could NOT slow down. On that slope wedging just doesnt work lol.. so I just kept going till I feel over, weeee. Later we rented some movies and I went over to gracies. We watched the movies and went to bed. We stayed up till like 2 talking. We both have guys with the same name.. matt :). I'd just lay there and stare up at the cieling and mummble about missing matt. She leaned over to me and goes, "yay me too!!".

January 21st.The guys went out snow mobeling today. Mrs.taylor, mom, gracie, and I went to this frozen lake and went ice skating. blah blah normal day :)

January 22nd.. Today is our last day, thank god/goddess/big floating thing with magical powers that probably doesnt excist!! I miss matt soo much! I can't wait till tomorrow. My brother is a fucking moron! I love him and he hates my guts. I walked into the room and started talking with him and he's like, "uh huh". I said to him, "you dont like me very much, do you?". he looked at me and left the room without saying a thing. That hurt a lot.. I love him I do.. and he hates me? Selfish, I-know-it-all-and-im-hot-shit, stupid, selfish, insensitive, PIG!!

We went to a bar tonight for dinner. When we were done Brad, chris, gracie and I went to play pool. We had teams, Brad and me against Chris and Gracie. Brad taught me how to play, which was nice of him. Chris and Him both are VERY good at pool, I was just standing there with my mouth wide open.

Gracie and I got away and went shopping.. we went in this one indian jewlry shop. They had the most interesting things. Nothing I would really wear, but still interesting. I found this beautiful neclace, charm, and bracelet. I bought them and they're all beautiful. I thought of sending the charm to Matt as a gift but didnt know wether he would like it. I have no clue what to get him. He's gonna be hard to shop for hehe.

Mrs.taylor and my mom were both drunk when they sat me down and gave me tips on dating. I bit my tongue and tried not to laugh, haha they're really old fasion. Ok #1, NEVER ever EVER open the door to a car for yourself. Even if you have to stand there while the guy got in his side. #2 never ever leave the house if the guy honks the horn, always make him come up and knock on the door. and blah blah blah ect, like that. I thought they were kind of old fasion and there is no way im gonna stand there like a fool if the guy doesnt open the door for me. I'd rather open my own god damn door then stand there like a snob. I think it would be kind of cute if a guy did that but its like.. my 90 year old Home Ec teacher would be really proud of them heh. Anyway we went on talking about that kind of stuff for the rest of the night. :)

January 24th..its a proven fact that NO ONE understands how I feel. No one. I'm just this rambling lame dumbass, with alcolics for parents. You know what I dont understand? Im always hearing this shit about me being the looker of the family. (the good looking one) I mean if thats true I must have one god damn ugly family. I know what I see in the mirror, and I KNOW it isnt very nice looking. But yet mrs taylor told my mother the other day she should take me up to newyork for modeling, and brad is always asking if I ever get hit on, and people are always telling my mom how pretty I am. IS EVERYONE HIGH?! I hate pitty and that is obviously what I'm getting. I wish looks didnt matter to people, but to most people they do. They dont to me.. it matters whats on the inside, and I think by getting to know someone if they are beautiful on the inside it will shine through no matter what they look like and make them beautiful. But thats doesnt apply to everyone. I know I have my moments when i look good but this is just stupid. My moms friends are blind.. as are my dads, and lorens friends. I need a self confidence pill. But its like why kid yourself? I know my limits and what I look like.. why kid myself into thinking im drop dead gorgeos? Ugg What a crapy night.