THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
not made by me

• The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
• When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
• The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
• When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
• When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
• When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
• The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're a dick.
• People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?