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JOKES

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT:

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the
bottom of the ocean? --An air pocket.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?--"OH, LOOK! Donut seeds!"

SAYINGS

He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.

Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.

Gravity brings me down.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.

Celibacy is NOT hereditary.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Individualists unite!

Money is the root of all wealth.

Teamwork is vital!! (It gives you someone to blame.)

IF EVERTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, you're in the wrong lane!

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

An expert is someone from out of town.

Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.

In computer programming, the one language all programmers know best is profanity.

No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always serve a negative example.

Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long and twice the fun.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of FUN?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, ever notice how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is always one more SOB than you counted on.

Careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense, what so ever.

Suicide is too much self-criticism.

If you think good is in everyone, you haven't met everyone.

If you ever need a helping hand, there's usually a good one at the end of your arm.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

If you never go off on a tangent, you're doomed to go around in circles.

WHY ASK WHY?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" 
when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the 
unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags 
and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? 
Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


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"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."_--(Prov 17:22a)
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