Disclaimer: Associated Campus Entertainment (ACE) disclaims any intentional libel and does not represent the views of its authors. ACE represents only the NNP network of work distribution. Prologue When in that March with its rehearsals long Amy Barth has done both right and wrong Her front butt and her very funny clothes Always reveal how little that she knows Amy Barth has truly done ill deeds Against the very actors that she needs. So sick of her these actors strong and brave That they refuse to be her mindless slaves. They've left her alone this dress rehearsal time With her lovely three old friends of slime. Daniel Knowles whose pudgy rounded face Has cleared the kids so far out of this place He claims he works out of uptown LA And yet he drives to Anaheim each day He claims he has a lot of spending money, Though he takes his pay like bees take honey. Oh what a man to take this horrid job And yet have time enough to be a snob He looketh down on those who have no "name" While treating those with talent just the same. Don't call Dan Knowles if you're in needful hour Unless you truly have a lot of power. Joe Collins, ah, that balding witless guy Had to release a heavy groaning sigh Again he had forgotten where he was And what it is exactly that he does Who's that woman? Who's that funny man? Who were those angry kids that quickly ran? He's an actor with no steady job And keeps himself as nicely as a slob He'll sell a wig, he'll sell a church or chair And he's lost almost all his thinning hair The Collins mind is one utterly wrecked (And by the way, Joe Collins can't direct). Barbara Messerle, that wild old gal, Is every actor's single favorite pal She's nice to you before your patient face That is, until you get inside her place That giant place that Barbie calls her castle She pretends that it's a giant hassle Nagging children is her favorite hobby "Hey, no food or drinks inside the lobby!" Through her aggravating plastic smile As she's eating and drinking all the while Cash and power are her best of friends And thus the two pursuits she most attends Her nagging's fierce as is her haughty manner; She prides herself on being the master planner Barbara should be labeled with the sign That says the lovely "Bride of Frankenstein" For her voluminous hair can defy gravity This our lovely Director of Activities Amy Barth, the leader of this band The finest directeur in all the land Directs attention to a precious few Ignores the rest and hates the technical crew The Thespian talents always she abuses And every year there're favorites she chooses She has two different faces on her head And one does not know what the other's said She'll scream and yell and deprecate some more If you do what she told you to before In the tales appear a few old crones Who all go by the name of Ms Gai Jones She's the woman who is full in charge Of all actors in this state that's large Should your theater act run much too long Gai Jones will surely find you in the wrong In fact, it's said that it is fairly certain That on you she'll drop the final curtain So on this note we'll start the Thespian tales Though for the sake of plot, the meter fails. For those of you who've not been closely reading The kids have left their secret nightly meeting The Tri-School leaders sit there all alone Left with each other there to moan and groan Like others do when everything else fails They sat around and told each other tales. The Tale of Dan Knowles Daniel Knowles, the married, meanest one, Told the first of four tales that were spun Like the rest, the tale was from his life: It told of how he came to get his wife While driving on a dreary night I came across a scary sight Up on a hill 'twas all alone A house all dark and made of stone A werewolf howled, an old gate creaked, I smelled a smell that really reeked Oh, wait, that's me that smelled like that From all the perfume on my fat Then suddenly a force unknown Did pull me to that house of stone I knocked and pounded on the door; Scared as I was, I wanted more And then the door opened a crack I felt the shivers up my back Behind, a voice asked who I was Which made my mind begin to buzz I rambled on of all I'd done And how I was King of the Sun I told him that on bended knee The Lord, our God, gave thanks to me. Then colder, deader than any stone Appeared there standing vile Gai Jones She pulled me fast inside her room; I cried and waited for my doom Then she said clear out of the blue: "Oh Daniel Knowles, how I love you! Forever you shall gaze at me And kiss my feet so lovingly..." "No, no," I said. "I never can For all I know is to love a man" "How dare you say that to my face! I order you to leave my place No, wait, I know what I shall do. I shall put a spell on you. Forever on now from this day Never shall you live life gay. From now on and for all your life, Dan Knowles shall have a gorgeous wife! She'll smother you so you can't escape And never more will boys you rape You'll also have a woman husky By the name of Amy Luskey On all women you'll depend And never will you love rear ends!" I cried and ran out of her door And saw Gai Jones there nevermore. But every day my life gets tougher From these punishments I suffer. The Tale of Joe Collins Snoring Collins woke up in his chair, He'd dreamt that he had fin'lly grown some hair Not wishing to be called a foolish slob, He spoke of how he once had found a job. Many, many years ago, When once my mind was not so slow, I had a brain, I had some hair, Employment off'rings weren't as rare I'd act and sing and dance away And go to callbacks every day But ah! the point that made me sick: I never was the final pick. Was always half the final two, But the final reading I always blew. With my money running out, I read for a part I'd not heard about. I waddled up onto the stage Before a woman of old age. Before I had a chance to start, The woman said I had the part She told me that at her first sight She knew that I would be just right There was no time to be too slow: To costumes I must rush to go! I tried on shoes much much too big And one quite large and ugly wig Then I recalled the part's fine print Below the contract for this stint: I was to play a stupid clown Right in the middle of downtown! Just advertising for a store That sold cheap gags, costumes, and more. Plus I was forced to wear a fro With colors found in the rainbow So people laughed at what they'd see And kids would kick me in the knee, Priests would laugh at what they saw And nuns would punch me in the jaw. Then one day I'd had enough And made my mind that I'd get tough. I'd curse the priests and slap the brats And all who'd dared to call me "Fats." And every time a nun would pass I'd bend down to display my ass. One day the woman came to see-- In short, she was perturbed at me. She asked how dare I do a thing That was so damn embarassing! And then and there she cast a spell To put me in a living hell;. She said I'd grow to be a slob And never could I get a job She made my mind as hard as stones Then left me there: God damn Gai Jones! The Tale of Amy Barth Amy Luskey Barth cleared up her throat. The great goddess of Tri-School would emote. For she was going to tell her own cute tale; Her's must be best! She knew she could not fail! I order you to all keep still To hear about my daughter Jill. Steve my spouse says she's spoiled rotten, That my son Brendon's forgotten. Ha, I laughed, I have no son-- My Gillian is the only one! One day while we were at the mall, We witnessed Gai Jones trip and fall. She fell so hard I had to laugh As did our duo's other half. When Gai got up, she came to say But saw us sit and laugh away. Then from her coat she pulled a charm And in the air she raised her arm. On Gillian, I cast a spell; She'll be possessed by a child from hell! And then she rose and walked away (I forgot what she had to say) That night, as I brushed Jill's long hair, She floated right out of her chair! In Satan's voice she told me that I was becoming much too fat. She glared and flew around the room And asked me where I hid my broom. "I need it to get to Servite!" I said. Then Gillian said she'd have my head. When Gill had grown some six feet tall I knew at once who I must call. I called at once that holy name And in the hour, that angel came. John Herrera knew at once How to cure Jill's evil grunts. In his arm, he had his plays And planned to read them many days. We strapped her down into her chair And John threw Jill an evil stare. First, John read without a fuss "A Few Moments in Tartarus" Satan could not make defense-- He cannot fight what makes no sense! Satan left on John's third play; He left Jill's head and flew away. John gave a sigh; he knew he'd won. He took his plays and then was gone. Though Satan's gone, there's still a hitch-- My daugher Jill is still a bitch. The Tale of Babs Messerle Barbara had to tell her silly tale. But unlike Amy Barth's it was not stale. It showed that Barbara knew well how to plan Far better than any other godly man. One night while I was in her lab, Gai Jones had retrieved a crab "To the crab, watch what I do, For I shall do the same to you! I've made the crab drink of this slime-- And look, the crab went back in time!" I said "I'm next! I'd be the one! I'll come back and replace Ray Dunne!" By drinking of that secret sauce I could return but be the boss Gai said "Don't drink of too much grime Or you'll go too far back in time, But 'cause my mind is very hollow, I gulped down the largest swallow. With a zap, she screamed at me. And then I was in 4 BC! With farm animals all around, I tried not to make a single sound. I knew that I might be in danger, So I crept around the manger. Then I saw a girl and man Who had a child that looked like Dan. Hey, I was in that holy place With Baby Jesus in my face! In a moment, I was there This Advent would be my affair. So we must make this barn look neat, And I will sit at Lord Christ's feet. At that, three wise men barged in bold; I charged admission/took their gold. "Who do you three think you are?" "We're the one's who followed that star." Joseph came, called me a bother. So I replied, "Like you're the father!" Then from the sky there was a noise, A choir of a few young boys... Hey you kids, just go away! I'm the director, do as I say! Then the event worst of all: Some dirty shepherds paid a call! My show would surely not survive-- If only the Gilde would soon arrive! The Holy Family misbehaved; The wise men wouldn't be my slaves. Thus my attempt to plan the nativity, Me, the great director of activity. Conclusion After Babs's tale came to an end, She looked around at every friend. All of them at once broke into laughter; Even Barbara M did chime in after. But then came laughter loud and from the sky, For the Lord knew that all four would die. They were evil, vile, wicked, bad: They made many children very sad. They were mean and nasty and so cruel, Making cast and crew seem like such fools. So while these stooges laughed all through night, Gai Jones, lo! was high and up in flight. Jokes the four had made at kids' expense (Though one would think that they'd have had some sense)-- Every insult given they would tackle As the Lord heard every evil cackle God had had enough of them that day And told Gai Jones that she could have her way High above the school inside her plane, Gai was inside really raising Cain. An atom bomb was Ms Gai Jones's means-- It blew the theater to smithereens. The Lord, He chortled loud, and so did Gai, For they had blown their four worst foes away. Gai had cast her final witching spell And God had sent the four all straight to hell. Here end the Thespianbury Tales. ATTENTION ACE READER! Do you have your personalized copy of"Encore!"? Have you sung along to "Teachers"? Always been curious about "A Whole New World"? If not, copies of most works are available! To subscribe, please contact the Editor at 607-253-2918 or jjc7@cornell.edu.