THE ARNELIAD
Or How I Once Tried to Get Revenge
Narrated by Ms Amy Luskey-Barth
Disclaimer: Associated Campus Entertainment (ACE) bears no responsibility
for slanderous or libelous authors. ACE represents only the NNP
network of parody distribution.
Prologue
1 Now in this month of high school graduation
Thousands take their score of adulation
But the Servite Class of Ninety-Three
Had happened to compile some songs of me!
5 Not the whole of seniors, goodness no,
But yet a large contingent were my foes:
Students who in league since freshman year
Long have sought to kick us out from here--
Me, Dan Knowles, Joe Collins, Messerle
10 A group to quash their youthful energy,
Their dreams, their goals, their happiness in life,
To fill their high school days with aught but strife,
A group to yell out lectures without meaning,
A group to give them hellish looks demeaning,
15 Sitting at our office desks a-preening,
At auditions towards our favorites leaning.
The four of us discovered several sheets,
Tales extolling all the authors' feats.
Behold! Condemning `Despot,' Tricia's ruin,
20 My favorite foreman slandered (I should sue 'em).
`Barbie and the Geek' insulted Babs;
For the `Encore!' all of us kept tabs;
Hawley and his Theatre of Doom...
More and more in each and every room!
25 The authors must be given up for slaughter!
Bring them here; I'll feed them to my daughter!
How furious was I when I found out
That works like these had given students clout
A long investigation did reveal
30 That most of Tri-School felt the way they feel.
A longer test continues by the minute,
To succeed, lest I did not begin it.
I still don't know of all those perpetrating
To take pictures of me masturbating.
35 But oblivious as I may be,
I know of none as skilled as students three
Without whose help no one could parody
As clearly, whe'er in song or poetry.
So I will take revenge for all the writings
40 ACE's masters wrote that were so biting.
Benedict, can't say his other name:
I wish he'd go to crew from whence he came
Complains I only give him old man roles
Before he suddenly quits the Thespian show.
45 His bumming rides to me make him a pest;
He didn't win a MACY for my desk.
His soul is surely rotten to the core--
I hope he didn't want to do "Encore!"
Then comes the tale of wicked Joe Betance
50 Whose gives me the creepers with a glance,
Mocking me and Dino for no reason
More than once has threatened me with treason
So dependent on his sense of humor
Racist more than I and my brain tumor.
55 Rare, forsooth he glowers at my anger;
Still I loathe this mangy paper-hanger.
A man who can't be serious should die;
So will Joe Betance at hands of mine.
And Jason Cho most terrible of all
60 To think that oftentimes he has the gall
To call himself a god for all his running
And because he seems to think he's funny
Always complaining that he has no time
But yet is always sitting writing rhymes
65 He writes his tales of Dino's lifelong place
And then defends Arnel before his face!
A condescending overrated hack,
I'm glad this part-time techie won't come back.
Behold, they're unsuspecting as I write,
70 The tool I use they laugh at every night.
Indeed, Arnel's the agent of their fall!
A horrifying shock to one and all
Perhaps, for he's reknowned throughout the nation
For Jean Selden's hour-long conversation,
75 For his help unwanted (Morgan, Sarah),
For attacks with canes (Juan-Carlos Parra),
Saying Riff (Matt Johnson) sucked with glory--
Just too many-- let's resume my story.
Arnel I use to give them all regrets,
80 To make them tell the truth to Mrs Betts,
To have all three go burn their many tales
Despite Kris Blidy's so-annoying wails.
Arnel will be a hero, I will see!
The man (the male) he wishes he could be!
85 I call upon the Muses in my angst,
The little Tri-School pennies in my banks,
And the folks I worship like the dollar,
Both in layman form and with the collar:
Ober, Coleman, Lynn, and Father G,
90 Brian Shucker-- all were dear to me,
Mother dearest, whom I had to kill,
Messerle and even Brother Phil,
Mike Michetti, writer of my song,
Daniel Knowles who's never in the wrong,
95 Best director balding Joseph C,
Daughter Gillian a clone of me.
Mike McCoy, Buck Mason, and JC:
My revenge on you will later be.
And such the fate of others disagreeing
100 With Almighty Amy's great decreeing.
Connelly, Servite, Rosary, or other,
I'll teach lessons they'll tell one another.
Anger now is rising at rehearsal
As the cast and crew cry for dispersal.
105 Punishment! They'll stay till midnight's past
From three till one backstage they shall be massed:
No escaping Amy Luskey's wrath,
As even now I calculate the math
Of bankruptcy, psychiatrist, and pills
110 And Ambra Wakefield's thousand-dollar bills,
And take a break from fixing those elections,
And David 'n' Lisa program spell corrections.
Now at break with Dino's help I start
The end of ACE and all who aid their art.
115 Thus I start to write the Tales of ACE,
Their follies, habits, and inferior race.
O God who gave me Erin, Maura, John,
Jenny, Tricia, all my lovers gone,
Help me treat them as I treated Z
120 That they may never further bother me.
Behold, it is the second day of May;
The musical is fully underway.
(`Encore!' is my latest project bold.
I know it will shower me with gold, for
125 I've contacted all the old alums,
Doctors, lawyers, businessmen and bums,
Knowing they will flock to see the show
And make a large donation et de do'.)
My enemies are here this Saturday, with
130 Ben and Jozee starring in the play,
Cho not paying for his seat or packet
As he wears the Student Council jacket.
Six AM the actors have their call,
Principals and chorus one and all...
135 (They're downstairs donning hair and costume piece
While Barbara gets my snacks from her Caprice.)
The Three are gathered on the stage awaiting
News of Dino and computer dating.
(Senior Prom is coming up, you see,
140 And Dino knows that it's the place to be.
Too bad he'll be rejected seven times
As told in one-- now two-- of ACE's lines.)
Success is how the three have crowned their year--
They think they'll parody for a career,
145 But each will fall as I relate their tale.
God on my side, the Masters will bewail!
The Tale of Joe Betance
Here is where I start to tell my tale
By starting out from Dino's drooly trail.
After being trapped within a prison,
150 He put on a scene no one envisioned.
I was in his dream where I did tell
That he should never go to Taco Bell,
The restaurant away near Connelly School,
But took they with them Dino like a fool.
155 They found him in the car and kicked him out,
A-warning they'd make fun of him, no doubt.
Arnel, however, cleverly remained
So off they went, though all of th em complained.
Joe Betance was sighted by my slave
160 Who then went up and joked about the knave.
He called him many stupid little names
And started up a foolish little game.
Sick of him, Joe B and Brian Day--
They warned Arnel that he should stay away,
165 Their jokes, they said, to him would not be pleasing
(Kellie interrupting, asked "Who's wheezing?")
But as he did continue, they began
And Dino couldn't handle like a man.
And ceaseless, ruthless, at him would they laugh,
170 Employing AIDS and gay men in their craft.
So when they went to leave Arnel refused
To get inside the car till he defused.
Arnel began the two-mile walk to school,
Aware full-well how tardies were uncool.
175 Three inside another car consorted
(Adam, Nino, and John Villacorta),
And drove off to leave the Dino-bashing
Just as Dino whirled and came back dashing.
Though the door was locked away at first,
180 They knew that Dino hadn't seen the worst.
They let him in without so much a blurb
When Dino had them stop there at the curb.
Taking out his coke and dashing for them,
As they thought Arnel would not dare gore them--
185 (He had AIDS just like poor Brian Shucker--
Suddenly Joe cried "That motherfucker!")
Dino dashed and threw the Coke at Joe,
Hitting him an hour before the show--
Joe in hair and makeup truly stunned
190 Watched Arnel as to the car he gunned.
But lo! the door was locked to his dismay! and
Dino turned to witness Brian Day
Approaching him with laughter in his eyes
Before Arnel gave Brian a surprise:
195 He shouted "Yah!" and took a fighting stance
As rolling on the car laughed Joe Betance.
Dino jumped on Brian's head and scratched;
Brian quickly Arnel's headpiece snatched.
Lacking strength from NASA, Dino fell;
200 They let him in the car and bade farewell.
And later Dino, working on a hunch
Did learn that he'd been talked about a bunch!
And grabbing Mrs Doris Walker's cane,
He targeted the back of Amy's bane.
205 Juan-Carlos yelled and Joey grabbed defense:
A Video Yearbook Dino had dispensed.
That sat upon the stage that glo-tape topped
And like the yearbook sales, the video flopped.
The VY tape then flipped and gave a screech
210 And in a huff became a Giant Peach!
Towards Arnel the Giant Peach came rolling
As if the Lord Himself'd been going bowling.
And ran Arnel to the Computer Room
And grabbed some grapes and drool gun to resume
215 His mission to send Jozee to his doom,
Or in the least make Joe Betance his groom.
Now back inside the theater within
The confines of the workshop they had been
Discussing Dino's faults and merits, too
220 When he arrived and made it like a zoo.
He aimed his weapon at all those assembled
Who to Mister B the least resembled,
But unsuccessful in his quest for Joe
(That he had left, poor Dino did not know)
225 Arnel went on a rampage with his grapes
And jumped onstage in tennis shoes and cape,
Stanford baseball cap, dress shirt and tie,
Casual shorts, and ventilator dry.
He screamed for Jozee's neck into the house
230 (the ire of many patrons he aroused)
Then paced off angrily into the pit
And noticed several people throwing fits.
"What's wrong with homos in the military?"
Karla pondered, "So what if they're fairies?"
235 "Bad mistake, I say," spoke sisters Hodges.
"What would happen in enlisted lodges?
Can you picture Dino in the army?"
Karla said "Well, that's a bit alarming.
But-- Arnel, you'd never join the Navy."
240 Then Arnel replied, "Actually, maybe."
Therefore Karla 'n' Sharon did agree
When Biddinger tramped in unhappily.
"So, Arnel, you know some martial arts!
Now what's this picture of me with the hearts?"
245 Dino ran outside but in his haste
His baseball hat and tie flew off his waist
I was speaking; hot air from my breath
Carried his access'ries to their death
The hat from Stanford hit good ole Mark Walker
250 While the tie made Garza like a stalker.
Joining forces, Dino met his doom,
Chased outside into a meeting room.
The Tale of Ben Uy
Here I'll tell you how his quest began
Of Arnel Dino's mighty master plan.
255 From the alphabet's tail end he started,
Lest at the beginning he be thwarted.
There you see's the place where there is found
The ex-Spectacular Sultan of Sound
And Giles or Mr Lundie called I him,
260 In hoping he would do my every whim.
Unlike the other Thespians, however,
Ben did spoil a few of my endeavors.
Persevering nary with a groan
After fifty hours of hambone,
265 Much too friendly with the folks on crew,
Lifting spirits I had worked to blue...
So I woke up Arnel in Bio class
And told him he could kiss some fatter ass
If only he'd salute me in this place.
270 (In haste he hit the left side of his face)
He told me he'd track down my foes of three:
The first of all to go would be Uy.
Arnel discovered Ben at school that day,
And following, he would not go away.
275 That day poor Ben was not alone at all,
Not even eating dinner with John Paul.
Arnel did chase him morning, noon, and night,
Not even stopping once to pick a fight.
Now Ben did sight a chance for his escape
280 At auditions running then so late.
Arnel espied him memorizing rote,
Then sighted flying at him Bio notes!
Arnel's own notes came whizzing down the way,
And flung him on the ground without delay.
285 But though the notes were slippery with drool,
Arnel had done this all before at school.
He jumped back up and entered the foyer,
Preparing to audition for the play.
And though the latter Thespian was cut,
290 From Mrs Dino I received a glut,
Of calls, and so to further my revenge
Arnel did work the play for months on end.
The day did come when "Encore!" shows began;
Despite the blackout, onstage Dino ran
295 To find his "Dav'd 'n' Lisa" costume bitty
Didn't quite fit in in River City.
As the "Trouble" orat'ry begins,
Dino trips upon a mannequin.
This angered him, as much as in "West Side":
300 It stung his ego, battering his pride.
So, viciously, he took a two-by-four
And with a groan he crashed it to the floor.
Again he struck the mannequin as said,
But it recoiled-- and struck him in the head!
305 Now this produced a chain reaction awesome,
That made Arnel perhaps a tad less boss-some.
The mannequin struck Dino at his ear,
And his unplugged headset disappeared
(He talked into the fixture off and on
310 To prove he'd more experience than Dawn
Even though the headset was unplugged,
Making Dino look like he was drugged).
As said, the headset flew into the air
Into the wings and instruments put there.
315 A theatre lamp did shatter all at once;
Arnel sat staring, acting like a dunce.
The desecration angered Edward Huber
In divine array he saw the blooper
Ed appeared before the stricken boy
320 And asked him if the headset was a toy.
Dino, frightened, begged him for his life;
His pledge to me had caused him bitter strife.
And Ed, now understanding, offered him
A chance at freedom from his deadly whim.
325 "If you answer one of questions three,
You can go and I will let you be.
But if you fail to answer you will go
Up to the cast, for you ruined their show!"
Arnel gave thanks, and vict'ry would be here
330 For he had been a techie for four years.
Then Ed asked first of deadly questions three:
"The light you shattered, Mister Arnel D--
In six words, do tell me of its kind,
Its gel, and power source, if you don't mind."
335 Arnel sat, thinking of the kinds of lights:
Floods, fresnels, and ellipsoidal types.
Curse! The gel could be so many colors!
Perhaps a bastard amber or one duller...
Curse! So skip them-- but the power source?
340 He for being lazy felt remorse.
"No answer? Listen up! Answer to me:
How many dimmers on the light banks three?"
"Anteproscenium!" did Dino think,
How once he'd climbed the ladder in a wink.
345 But dimmers? outlets? meant nothing to him,
For time had made his tech know-how quite dim.
And Ed was angry at incompetence
And thought of hitting Dino with a lens,
But Ed calmed down-- to hit Arnel a lens with
350 Wastes good glass and would be quite expensive.
"Just one more chance, Arnel, you get today:
To act you need to earn what GPA?"
Arnel did jump as if a wire live:
"I've worked here with a trifling 1-3-5!"
355 "Incorrect and automatic F!
Savage, it's C that you must get!"
With that, Huber raised his mighty hand
And summoned cast and crew across the land.
"Get this heathen one out of my sight!
360 Go seize his limbs and cast him to the night!"
So cast and crew did bind him with some braces,
NASA hat and Reebok Pump shoelaces,
Picked him off the narrow flyrail bar,
Took him out and locked him Joe's car.
The Tale of Jason Cho
365 So thus did Dino get to Jozee's auto
Odds of which do parallel the Lotto.
Back to where the story discontinued:
Dino chased into a classroom venue.
Back inside that meeting room so dismal:
370 Dino knew that he had been abysmal.
"That's 0 for 2" I noted as he panted
And no one could say that I was slanted
If I said he'd better do much better
Locking up The Editor in fetters.
375 So he looked from ceiling to the floor,
Blackboard, podium and open door.
He sighted Jason sitting at the fore
Expounding on his Junior Statesmen lore.
But Dino was distracted as came in
380 A number of young women he had been
Approaching unsuccessfully for years;
Now he had them all, to his own fears.
As he sadly tried to flirt, however,
Dino left alone his first endeavor,
385 Letting Jason secretly depart
While of the geek did Arnel play the part.
Rejected by two hundred girls or more,
His monstrous ego sinking through the floor--
A list of those whom Dino's been refused
390 Begins with Aleh, ending but with Yoon,
Colette, Kristine, and Lorilee included,
For some girl on Prodigy he brooded,
Dino was no friend of Heather F, of
Bonnie, Claire, or Jennifer LuPresto...
395 Arnel thought Nat'lie went out with Mark Spitz;
Jocelyn knew his place was in the pits...
Well by the time he finished, Cho was gone,
Using plans he and his friends'd drawn
In case Arnel would seek to recompense
400 The tales behind his back he sold for cents.
Dejected, stained by lunchtime bombs from birds,
Arnel read through the text of "JSA Nerd,"
Thinking it referred to Cho, not he,
He picked up his spirits and did flee.
405 Utterly rejected, Arnel came,
And asked for my forgiveness in his shame,
And feeling sorry for his bitter plight,
I told him he'd work props for me that night.
And then I'd call at home old Jason Cho,
410 Tell him all about the Thespian show,
Warn him that Arnel was there with props
And that from the roster he'd be dropped.
Then I'd beg and cry for his assistance,
(To a woman he had no resistance),
415 Telling him I was afraid Arnel
Any profits from the show would quell,
Got McCoy to talk to him at school,
Told him Arnel Dino'd be his tool.
Then I told Arnel the tale; he beamed
420 And every crooked tooth within him gleamed
I told him props would be a living hell
With many thanks for all your help, Arnel.
And so the Centipede came to rehearsal
Where he was to meet his last reversal.
425 Tried to break his spirit, yes indeed,
I tripped him on the stairs and made him bleed
I yelled for props that were already out
And filled his brain with org'nizat'nal doubt,
Had Arnel misplace what he had sorted,
430 Eat up all the mints that he had hoarded,
Had Michelle Deluca burn his notes
'Fore I asked him for the things he wrote.
A few more weeks would I make Jason suffer,
Knowing he took aspirin unbuffered...
435 Dragged him down for Costa Mesa props,
Made him carry in a hundred drops.
Halfway through the show the boy had cracked--
Amidst cheerleaders' boxes he had stacked,
Lost control of self, or so I thought--
440 His nervous breakdown act was what I bought.
(It turns out he'd become a decent actor,
With my drama class-- and friends-- a factor)
Meanwhile, Dino saw this and got worried
That he would be useless in a hurry.
445 Crying out "My man is down!" he rushed
Into the meeting of the club now hushed
"All of you, be quiet; I'll be brief--
Now listen to your Transportation Chief!"
Ignored, he tried again, "You laugh now, but
450 If you don't help, I'll tell Jim you're a slut!"
And so he spoke and went to every legion
Of the Junior State, and every region
Making speeches, giving bad advice,
But even those who to Arnel were nice
455 Refused to take a part in Dino's scheme,
Thinking he desir'd his own regime.
Some, rememb'ring-- personal attacks,
Dino's comments, gossiping no facts--
Spat into his face, or just tiraded
460 As before convention he paraded.
People Arnel talked of for no reason--
'Gainst Jim Finsten he had plotted treason,
Don, Tatum and Bonnie, Janet Lee,
Yuth and Eric, Lisa, Ryan Schley,
465 Azzie, Jonah, Mary, Jennifer,
Aarom Bloom who had gone out with her,
Finally, Melinda and her friends
All tormented Dino to no end.
Meanwhile Jason's act was long since ended,
470 Scheming, now Arnel would off be fended
Turning all he knew against Arnel,
Hard on Dino's head the hammer fell.
For Arnel returned to find him gone:
Gullible Arnel had been so wrong!
475 Fearing for his life, he ran outside
And went into the library to hide.
The Conclusion
Dino to Ms Engelman did fly,
Knowing that she'd shelter any guy
Who came within a hundred yards of her
480 To listen to her strange and pointless blurbs.
Dashing up the stairs past Mrs V,
Hapless Dino bumped into Mike B,
Expeditiously knocked to the wall,
Dino slumped as seniors mocked his fall,
485 But knowing ACE would soon be on his trail,
Vowed that for himself he would not fail.
Afraid his JSA rep would precede him,
He withdrew so nothing could impede him.
Hiding, pondering his many flubs,
490 Dino found himself among the scrubs.
Wide-eyed anxious eager-to-please freshmen
Were impressed by any "upperclassman."
So Arnel did find a group of friends
Who swore to follow him to unknown ends.
495 He raised his arms and cried for final battle,
Leading frosh to slaughter as if cattle,
Building armor strong with Stanford caps,
Tennis shoes and tie with formal slacks,
Weapons, too, of canes and two-by-fours,
500 Cups of Coke (and Pepsi) at the doors,
By eye-crusty notebooks they were shielded,
Gray-hair deco orthodontics wielded.
Meanwhile on the side of competence,
They had but begun to make defense
505 ACE revealed the tools they had in store
That he would be bothersome no more.
First they cut all phone lines to the school
(For keeping out his mother was a rule).
Then they paved a road between their fences--
510 Open only to the drivers licensed.
Last of all a maze that curved and bent,
None could cross but those intelligent.
Few offensive weapons they did mount,
Including manners, tact, and campus clout,
515 Usefulness, intelligence, beauty,
Athleticism, humor, E-T-C.
Yet as the Junior State and Tri-School gathered,
Space Camp sent Arnel some extra blathers.
Etiquette books came from his home on Mars,
520 Clearasil was sent, a hundred jars.
Reinforced-- disorganized but large,
Dino's forces called a hefty charge.
At the front he occupied the bleachers,
Having won the pity of the teachers.
525 So across the campus they did face,
Dino in the southwest took his place.
With the cafeteria and gym,
Locker rooms and library within.
Normalcy camped off to the northeast,
530 Taking theater, chem lab, and some priests.
For another hour all was quiet;
Even hungry seagulls would not try it.
Peace across the quad was like the night,
Moments 'fore the perilous food fight.
535 Then a yell and Dino pushed his luck,
Made assault and like a Mighty Duck
Was fast repelled, but Allies did not bust him--
Dino's hideout was too much repulsive.
At a second time, the juniors charged
540 (On the battle scene they'd lately barged),
Taking all the allies by surprise
That some upperclassmen would devise
A plan to split the anti-Dino forces--
Half the class of ninety-four joined forces
545 With Arnel and anarchy besides
(They're the ones who'd been giving him rides).
So the anti-Dino coalition
Broke apart under the foul sedition.
And the underclassmen charged again,
550 Taking back the swimming pool and then
Laying siege to Barbie's sacred palace,
Where she'd wanted to erect a phallus
(Big on monumental works was she;
Many had been built by ASB).
555 But his forces quickly changed direction
When they stared at Arnel D's reflection
Shining in her office ceiling mirror
(Messerle thought none than herself dearer).
Claiming for himself the battle's banner,
560 In his usual self-important manner,
He returned to studies for the day
Hoping he would pass a test by May.
(Dino-flagellation he knew well;
Of other classes I can later tell)
565 This gave God a chance to join the camp,
Bringing with himself a mighty lamp.
Like Aladdin's miracle worker gold,
This one held within it pow'rs untold.
Stenciled on the side appeared to be
570 A great big sign that read "REALITY";
And to this Arnel could not resist
Always this had been the thing he missed.
Soon ancien regime at Servite High
Was swift restored and Dino had to fly.
575 He was overtaken halfway home,
Brought to trial as I began this poem.
Sentenced to be haunted by himself,
Dino was reduced but an elf,
Locked up in self-pity at the zoo
580 'Fore he left for college (LMU).
There Miranda and Christina K
Taunt him harshly each and every day.
Ah! My weapon, how it's been debased!
585 Is there no way to wage a war with ACE?
Livid! Ah! Need theater immersal!
(Thus came I to final dress rehearsal).
There assembled were my dearest friends,
Daniel Knowles who made love to rear ends,
590 Barbara Messerle with all her hair,
Oh-- And Collins, also-- he was there.
But the knavish class of ninety-three
Now had played a final trick on me:
Actors used to scurry like my pawns,
595 But at today's rehearsal they were gone!
What to do? My strategies have failed!
Daniel said "Let's tell each other tales."
Here ends the Arneliad.
The tale herein lives on in the Thespianbury Tales.
Other Titles by Ace
The Thespianbury Tales (The Canterbury Tales)
Ray Poppins (Mary Poppins)
Faculty (Cats)
The Big Book of Arnel Stories (3rd Edition)
Encore! (Encore!)
Despot of the Theatre (Phantom of the Opera)
Barbie and the Geek (Beauty and the Beast)
The Les Messerle Collection (solos and works in progress: Joe Betance
Superstar, Parrish in Wonderland, Hello, Choster! and others)
We hope you enjoyed the Arneliad. Ask your representative about other titles.
Actmaster Jozee - The Big Red Vice-God - Old Man River City