From here you can read all the Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletters and stuff. But for those of you who go to Kempsville High School, you have probably heard by now that the OBPFCN has been officially BANNED! This outright disregard of my first amendment rights shall not go unpunished. Well, ok, it probably will, but I'm gonna try and fight the evil fiend known as Mr. Ponti. Anyway, for the time being, read the ones I have uploaded to this site. I'll try to put the rest of them here, but it's gonna take some time, seeing that I never update this place.

Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletter #1

Hello, and welcome to the first Official Brandon Partin Fanclub Newsletter, or the OBPFCN. In this issue, you will find some little known facts about Brandon Partin. You will find the OBPFCN update, keeping you informed on all the latest news about Me! And you will find helpful tips on how to better enjoy the time spent with Me! And more. Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) His first name rhymes with Landon! 2) His last name rhymes with milk carton! 3) He once ate an entire package of Spam in 9 seconds! 4) He is worshipped as a god in three Central American countries! 5) He is a good conductor of electrical current! 6) He is a television star in the Spanish soap opera, “De Ablo Los Legos” 7) He invented the light bulb in 1938! 8) He coined the phrase, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” 9) He played the part of Winnie on “The Wonder Years” 10) He defended O.J. Simpson in the highly publicized murder trial! 11) He was the voice of Thumper on the Disney movie, “Bambi”! Well, that’s all for this portion of the newsletter, see the next issue for more facts about me! And now it’s time for the OBPFCN update, where we keep you informed on me! Well, looking back at the calendar, my birthday was on October the 18th, that was pretty cool! Uhh, let’s see, hmm, oh yeah, the Brandon Partin Fanclub was founded on September 5th? I went to the bathroom at these times and dates: December 8th, at 6:30 a.m., and again at 5:45 p.m. that same day, and again at 7:15, also on the above mentioned day. He has a dog, to be named later, and a West African tree Frog named Petey. Tips on how to make your time spent with me more enjoyable! 1) Wear lots of spandex(if a girl) 2) Frequently fondle me and touch my genitals(if a girl) 3) Do not eat, have, or talk about cheese when near me! 4) Always keep a box of cereal handy in case of an emergency(preferably Lucky Charms!) If you follow these simple tips, you will find that time spent with me will be much more enjoyable for all! CD of the month: System Of A Down by System Of A Down, on American Records! Well, that’s all the time we have for this edition of the Official Brandon Partin Fanclub Newsletter. Join me next time as we cover the hot topic: Cigars: Not just for smoking anymore! Bye.

OBPFCN #2

Hello and welcome to the second edition of the Official Brandon Partin Fanclub Newsletter! This issue will be long, painful, and if you’re lucky, you’ll wake up in the morning with a bad hangover and menstrual cramps! I would like to say thank you to all the new members who have joined recently! And I would also like to thank the original members, yes, all two of you! We here at the Brandon Partin Fanclub would like you to know that we appreciate your patronage, and hope that you will continue to worship me and make sacrifices of lamb and goats to me! So far the club includes: Me, Brandon Partin, Mary Patterson, Susie Lockwood?, Jamey Brown, that guy who Mary brought over to my lunch table and I cant remember his name, Brad “Big Sexy” Bosio, Mike “ Dirty Mexican” Scudder, Matt Scudder, Jerome “Ball-sweat-boy” Cerny, B.J. Aznar, Sarah Lerchie?, Lisa Escabar?, and Alan Wong. I hope I didn’t forget anybody, and we can always use more members, so get people to join! If there is a ? after your name, it means I forgot how to spell it so I’m not sure if it’s right, so don’t get pissed at me if you have a weird ass name! Now enough about you, lets talk about me! My name is Brandon J. Partin, (AKA; The Jesus), I had a pet frog Petey that died last night(sorry Mary!), and I am the Supreme Ruler of all that exists! And now, back from the home office in Boise, Idaho, it’s everyone’s favorite bathroom reading material, Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin! 1) He can hold up to 12 golf balls in his mouth at the same time! 2) He has the world record for the most stamps licked in one minute! 3) He owns a small condom factory in South Dakota! 4) He was last seen in the movie: “ Attack of the Lesbian Vibrator Bitches Part 5”! 5) Because of his striking resemblance to Brad Pitt, he has been asked to be his body double for all of his nude scenes! 6) He was a member of the 80’s pop group; “A-ha”! 7) He has been anally probed 37 times! 8) He is actually the lesser known fourth Hanson brother, Brandon Hanson! 9) He once consumed a pound of rancid goat feces! 10) He was the inspiration for the character of “Jeffy”, on the comic strip, “The Family Circus”! Sorry man, I’ll have funnier facts next time, I know these ones are lame, but screw you all, this is my fan club not yours! If have you have any questions or comments, or just wanna tell me that I’m the coolest person to ever live, you can E-mail me at: PerlJammin@aol.com; or Crescentfresh1@Juno.com; or you can just talk to me in the hallway or something. And now it’s time for poetry corner! from my cowboy hat to my spurs from my pet cougar to it's purrs from mountain top to valley stream America America man you got alot of awesome malls! -- olly You're always hearing something Until silence interrupts it Like dinosaur burps -- sifl Checketh thy coat at the door oh rose of silken ways Moveth into thy light and furl thy tongue a raspberry At a' boy danny, at a boy danny, come on danny, you can do it danny...come on, homerun, danny! you got it danny, next one danny... only two strikes danny this one's you danny. swing danny, you can do it danny... you suck danny. checketh thy coat at the door of time. darkness. silence....mystery. -- olly The darkest night Can't compare to the lightest shadows sawdust is like aching hearts with no glue there are no solids -- sifl My sweater is full of moths makes me... sad I turn slowly put it in sifl's drawer -- olly Charles in charge of my day of my night -- sifl All poems done by my friends Sifl and Olly! Well, I guess that about does it for me, I hope this wasn’t too painful! And join us next time as we discuss: Lesbian Nazi Hookers who were abducted by aliens and forced into weight-loss programs! (c) 1998, E.S.P. Inc.

OBPFCN #4

Well we’re back from the meager break that the government gives us from school. I hope you all took advantage of that time to sit back and realize just how lucky you are to have known me. This week we have some more little known facts, fan-mail, and my New Year’s resolutions. But before we get into that, how bout a little more information about me! Here is a list of the things that I am god of: I am the Bullgod, I am the almighty Tikki God, I am the Cheese god, I am the Spam god, I am the Paper Mache` god, I am the Comatose Pig god, I am the god of Urinalysis, I am the Fertile Monkey god, I am the Disgruntled Postal Worker god, I am the god of diseased elephant feces, I am the god of deranged butt-pirates, I am the Flower god, I am the Penguin god, I am the god of Evil Sock-puppets, I am the god of Pubic Hair! These are just some of the things I am the god of, but you will not find my name in any Greek myth or something because the other gods didn’t think I was important enough to be in them, even though I did all the work! That itchy feeling in my genitals can mean one of two things, either I have a bad case of crabs, or it’s time to read a little FAN-MAIL, YAYYYYYYYY! Awwww, I guess I’ll have to wait to see my doctor about that itch. Well, I got some mail from Mr. Alan Wong: “Hey Brandon, can I get a copy of the first newsletter that I missed? And I was wondering if the small condom factory that you own is a factory that makes small condoms or if it was a small factory that makes condoms. Maybe you can put that into your next newsletter.” a fanclub member, Alan Wong (atjunodot@juno.com) Well Alan, to tell you the truth, it’s none of your damn business, so quit askin retarded questions! This next letter comes from Mary Patterson. she writes: “I am honored to be a member of the Brandon Partin Fanclub! It is a wonderful service to the whole world! I think you should write more about you frog.” (heart) your Biggest fan (5’91/2) Mary Thank you Mary, I am glad that you think highly of me and the fanclub! Unfortunately though, my frog Petey, has died, but I have a pet penguin named Opus that I just got. He’s really cool! Well if I get a good response to the mail section, I’ll probably put some more mail in future issues, so keep those letters coming! May I freshen your drink? It’s time for more...... Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) He was the backup singer for Milli Vanilli! 2) He spends most of his spare time helping O.J. look for the “Real killers”! 3) He played the part of Uncle Jesse on the show “Full House”! 4) Along with special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, he investigates bizarre crimes, mysteries, and conspiracies! 5) He is the illegitament child of Bill Clinton and Oprah Winfrey! 6) He once dated both of the Olsen twins at the same time! 7) He loves your mom! 8) He is the key figure in an ongoing government charade to plot to conceal the existence of extra-terrestrials. It’s a global conspiracy actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, and it reaches down into the life of every man, woman, and child on this planet. So of course no one believes him, he’s an annoyance to his superiors, a joke to his peers, they call him spooky, spooky Partin, who’s sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid, and now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in and the sky is falling, and when it hits, it’s going to be the shit storm of all time! 9) He was in a death metal band with Leanne Rhymes, called Dingle Berry, until she left to pursue a solo career! 10) His favorite kind of candy is sexual chocolate! Now, since it’s the new year, I’ve decided to make some resolutions that I hope I can stick with. Here’s my list: 1) Eat less Spam! 2) Take over the world and kill Hanson! 3) Work the Honduran children in the sweatshop harder with less pay! 4) Save a nun from a burning building, it makes you look heroic and stuff! 5) Figure out a chemical solution to turn lead into gold! 6) Rip off a bunch of old songs and put crappy new lyrics on them (if Puff Daddy hasn’t beaten you to it)! 7) Stop mooning the cameras at the mall! 8) Start a 1-900 psychic hotline! Well, I hope I have inspired you to make some good new year’s resolutions, and I hope you stick with them, not that I care or anything. Oh yeah, don’t forget to enter in the win a date with Brandon contest, if you need another entry form, see me! I guess that about does it, see you next time when the topic is: Alien Autopsy: Fact Or Fiction?

OBPFCN # 5

Hey party people, and welcome to the fifth issue of the only publication dedicated to me! This week there’s some stuff. The fan club is getting new members almost daily! Since the second issue of the newsletter, where I printed the names of the members, these people have joined: Daniel Pray, Colin Shaw, Eric “Big Pun” Partin, Carrie Godley, Colin White, J Linsey, Jennifer Jonhson, Jason Norman, Mike Barr, Kristin Kelly, Mary’s mom, Joey Johnson, Cole Flitton, Zack Zimmerman, and Sean “Seany Poo” Langley. Wow. Ok, this will be pretty cool, but right now there’s not much on it. I have been working on the Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Web Site! It is up and running, but like I said, there’s not much on there yet. Anyway, the address is: http://members.aol.com/perljammin/page/index.htm exactly like that. Go there, it’s cool! Hey what’s that smell? Did you...... Oh man. Little Known Facts About, yep you guessed it, Brandon Partin 1) He enjoys long walks in the park and sponge baths given by Turkish Orthopedic surgeons! 2) He is the quicker picker upper! 3) He has a shrine built to John Stamos in his room! 4) He is extremely sexy, but that’s not a little known fact, everyone knows that! 5) He has mad-cow disease! 6) He slices, he dices, and for the low low price of only $49.95, he can be yours! 7) He runs a lucrative moist towl-ette business in the lower west side of Brooklyn! 8) He played the part of Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back, and Return Of The Jedi! 9) He invented the edible panties! 10) He thinks Keenan Bierman is a little turd! Ok, I don’t normally do this, but these people have specifically requested that I put something about them in here. B.J. Aznar is a guy in my German class. He’s pretty cool. He really likes the movie Full Metal Jacket. He also likes peanut-butter and sculptures made out of cheese! Mike Scudder is a another guy, not in my German class, he’s also pretty cool! He likes the coolest show in the world, Sifl and Olly, this crappy band called Massive Attack, and he trips way too much acid! Please do not show this to anyone who is not a member of the fan club! We have had a problem, I’m not saying with who, but there is a problem with non-members reading the newsletter and harassing me and other members! Also, unless your parents don’t care what you bring home, they know me, or your mom wants to bear my children(you know who you are), do not show this to your parents! Let me show you in this simulated phone call between two parents: Ring Ring. Simulated parent 1- “Hello, this is simulated parent 1.” Simulated parent 2- “Hi.” Sp1- “Say, do you know what Simulated child 1 brought home today?” Sp2- “No, what?” Sp1- “Well, some kid at school started his own fan club. He’s passing out these profane newsletters! There’s even pornography attached! A three page color foldout of lesbian nymphomaniacs! I don’t see it here, but my simulated child must have it hidden somewhere! We need to shut this down immediately! Pass this on to Simulated parent 3.” And so on. As you can see, this would be bad! And now since I’m bored, here’s the part of the newsletter where I say whatever comes to my mind: Evil-sock Puppets will rule the earth! There is nothing you can do, prepare yourself for the take-over! Penguins hate peanut butter! Hanson raped my gerbil! I can lick my own eyeball! Postal workers should deliver tacos instead of mail! Pudding schmudding, I think it should be illegal! Giving roosters hand-grenades is an excellent idea! Gimme a cookie or I’ll blow your freakin head off man. You kids get off my property! Well, it’s late, I’m bored, bye. But remember to tune in next week: Same Bat channel, same Bat time!

OBPFCN# 6

Hey we’re back and better than- well we’re back, so just be happy. Welcome to the long-delayed sixth issue of the Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletter. This week there’s some cool stuff! Due to the increasing number of members, and current penguin related stress, as you may have guessed by now, the newsletter will no longer be printed every week, but instead every other week, or whenever I can get it out. Like any love-crazed xenophobic spider monkey would say..... Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) He is part of an elite counter-terrorism force known only as Delta Blue! 2) He invented the clothes-hanger! 3) He got gonorrhea from riding a tractor! 4) He can lactate milk from his left ear! 5) Some of his closest friends are old French whores! 6) He spent seven years of his life in a Costa Rican rainforest documenting the mating habits of George Micheals! 7) He was born a poor Indian child on the streets of Fargo, North Dakota! 8) On weekends, he works as an exotic dancer for the Eager Beaver, and is known as Starla, the three testicled pizza delivery boy! 9) He was the construction worker in the group, The Village People! 10) He enjoys attending matches at the Transvestite Hot-oil Wrestling Club downtown! And now it’s time for poetry corner, YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Jerome’s got no balls, Pawned `em off at the mall, Always got nice shoes, Jerome’s got herpes. - Mike Scudder I went to my room one day, It was Saturday. -Brandon Partin Things that are fun to do, Are really fun, I like purple marshmallows. -Brandon Partin Peanut-butter and jelly, Is sometimes very smelly, I have brown hair, Uh-oh, my nutsack exploded again. -Brandon Partin Rain rain, Rain down on me, Like undeveloped testicles. -Brandon Partin I am what I am Cause I eat lots of Spam, I’m Brandon the sailor man, Toot toot. -Your Mom masterpiece. If you have any cool stuff you’d like me to put in here, poetry, drawings, cartoons or what have you, just give it to me, and if it’s cool, or even if it’s not, I’ll put it in here. Since there wasn’t a newsletter last week, I’ve decided to give you a special treat. A behind the scenes look at how an Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletter is made. Yeah right, as if I would reveal my secrets to the likes of you. No, I’m taking that with me to the grave you blood-sucking leaches. I’m done now, so you can stop reading. But join us next time as we discuss, Smurfs: innocent blue cartoons, or evil robots programmed by Bill Gates to take over in the year 2000?

Hello, and welcome to the Official Brandon Partin Fanclub Newsletter, cause hey, it sure beats the hell out of math class! This week we have some more little known facts, some foods rejected by McDonald’s, and a solution for world peace. But first, are you tired of those unsightly butt-hairs? If you’re like me, people sometimes mistake your butt for a dead mammal. Believe you me, this can cause quite a commotion with those nice folks down at PETA! Don’t let this happen to you. I’m here to tell you about a band-new product from E.S.P. Inc., that will get rid of your pesky butt-hair. It’s called Ass-off TM. Ass-off uses special electrolysis technology to quickly and painfully remove any hair down under. Just stick the probing device in your anal cavity, press the button, and bam, no more hair there. Let’s talk to some satisfied customers shall we? “I used Ass-off, and in seconds, my head wasn’t the baldest spot on my body!”- Judge Mills Lane. “I love Ass-off, and my boyfriend thinks it’s great too!”- John Stamos. Order now for only $19.95! Due to some violent content, parental discretion is advised. Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) He is considered the father of modern gangsta rap. 2) He is the voice of the Kool-Aid Man. 3) He invented cardboard. 4) He directed the adult film, “Forest Hump”, with Tom Spanks and Lieutenant Hand. 5) He is the author of the popular children’s book, “Green Eggs And Spam”! 6) He’s the brand people ask for by name. 7) In his past life, he was a gerbil resistance fighter, trying to rid the world of radioactive cyborg hamsters. 8) He is an evil sock-puppet. 9) He spent a week in Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. 10) He is the creator of the “Buns Of Steel” videos. There is a correction on the last issue of the OBPFCN. The sentence reads; “-masterpiece.” The sentence should read; “Special thanks to Mike Scudder for contributing his masterpiece.” Sorry for the inconvenience, it happen will again never. Now, this might sound a bit like David Letterman’s show, but here is the: Top Ten Foods Rejected By McDonald’s 1) Processor-Surprise Burger. 2) The McToxic Waste Sandwich. 3) Fish-Filetio. 4) The McRib Of Lamb. 5) The Raw Sewage Deluxe. 6) Pelican Burger. 7) Liquid Nitrogen Shakes. 8) Over-priced kid’s meals with crappy toys and small drinks. 9) Lead-Filled Cookies. 10) Mold Burger. That’s pretty much it. Go away. But come back next time when the topic is: Spam, does it get whites whiter?

Hello, and welcome to the Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletter. Chances are, if you are reading this, your I.Q. is lower than that of a disabled monkey. This issue, we have more little known facts, and article defending Teletubbies, and another article regarding the usage of Spam as a laundry detergent. But first it’s time for the fake news. This week, actor Fred Savage was caught making out with an incapacitated German shepherd on a park bench in northern Minnesota. Mr. Savage decline our request for an interview, but did release this statement, “I am the walrus, coo-coo cachoo!” In other news, actor/musician John Stamos died passed away in his home in Colorado. Sad, isn’t it. Earlier this week, the Pope accidentally swallowed a gerbil while visiting a pet store in the Vatican. Little Known Facts About Mexican Jumping Beans. 1) They are illegal in three states. 2) They are not really Mexican. 3) Brandon Partin invented them. 4) They are not really beans either. 5) They can be fatal if swallowed. 6) They make wonderful Christmas presents. 7) They don’t really jump, they just kind of hop around all the time, trying to get out. 8) The Mexican jumping bean industry is booming in Southern Iran. 9) Gregorian Monks enjoy chanting about Mexican jumping beans. 10) Mexican people do not like Mexican jumping beans. Wasn’t that just great folks? I thought so! What we have here, is failure, to communicate. Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) He was the first man on the moon. 2) He is the president of the John Stamos Fan Club. 3) He sung a duet with Celine Dionne for the Titanic soundtrack. 4) He was the fifth Beatle. 5) He is the artist formally known as Stephen Segall. 6) He is the Jello wrestling champion of Oregon. 7) He is the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and Rosie O’Donnell. 8) He invented Mexican jumping beans (see Little Known Facts about Mexican Jumping Beans). 9) He was a regular character on the 60’s children’s show, “Hee Haw”. 10) He was elected governor of Minnesota after he retired from a lucrative wrestling career. Well, I was going to do articles on Teletubbies, and Spam, but now I think I’ll save those for the special tenth anniversary issue of the OBPFCN. So keep your eyes peeled for the, “Big-Ass Mother Fuckin Tenth Anniversary Special”, headed your way sooner than you think!

OBPFCN #9

If you love Spam, raise your hand, if you don’t, then why are you a member of my fan club? I don’t like you. You suck. For those of you still here, welcome to the 9th issue of the OBPFCN. Only a little while until the Big Ass Mother Fuckin Tenth Anniversary Special! Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) He is in an all kazoo Black Sabbath cover band. 2) He is the creator of the comic book series, “Captain Herpes”. 3) He runs a male potency clinic in California. 4) He is the founder of the animal rights activist group, P.E.T.S., or, People for the Ethical Treatment of Spam. 5) He recently directed an episode of Dawson’s Creek. 6) He was the first person to perform open-heart surgery on himself. 7) He has a popular sock-puppet show in Germany called Jens and Kroger. 8) He shot Tupac. 9) He invented oxygen. 10) He could not think of anything to put here. I know these past couple of issues have not been some of my best work, but despair not! I’m just preparing you for the tenth anniversary special. I don’t want to blow all the good stuff on regular issues. So just freakin back off man! Preparing for the year 2000? It’s gonna be a friggin riot man. What the hell are you waiting for? Barricade your house! Put barbed wire around your yard, and put some land mines down! I can’t stress the land mines enough people! It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get a few attack dogs as well. You also might want to consider setting up motion-sensor flame-throwers. This is a wise investment. If you could get your grubby little hands on some weapons-grade plutonium, you could make a nuke, but save that as a last resort. Well I guess that’s it, other than sniper towers and grenade launchers, you should be set for the next millenium. Just remember, if it moves, kill it! Did you know that Smurfs vomit? They also like reggae music and elephants. In their spare time, Smurfs play a game where flaming Ping-Pong balls are placed in their underwear, and they see who can go the longest without putting them out. But sadly, these beautiful creatures are dying out due to the over hunting of the Smurf population in their native habitat of Long Island. Smurfs have a highly prize skin, used to make coats for snobby Americans with fat bank accounts! So what I guess I’m trying to say is, don’t kill the Smurfs, and don’t buy Smurf-skin coats! If you have any ideas to contribute to the tenth anniversary special, please tell me. I’d like to hear your opinion on what should be in there. Well not really, but tell me anyway. Also there will be a Worst Of Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin section, where you the peeps get to chose what goes in. So tell me the facts that you thought were the funniest, stupidest, or lamest. That’s it for now, please recycle this if you don’t want it.

Welcome to the tenth issue of the Official Brandon Partin Fan Club Newsletter! It seems like only a little while ago I was thinking to myself, We should let Mexican sewer rats and Jewish spider frogs go into space and fight a grisly battle to the death! Well, the rest is history. Can you believe it folks? We’ve been together for about four months now, and in that short time, there have been 91 Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin; lots of cool poems written by me, Mike Scudder, Sifl, and Olly; cool inventions, fan mail; and other really cool stuff too! Having trouble getting those tough stains out of your laundry? You’ve tried all those so-called “Extra-strength” laundry detergents, and nothing gets the job done better than Spam! Yes Spam, America’s number one generic meat by-product. Spam out performs all the leading detergents! In a recent survey, more than 90% of all households say they are satisfied with the results they get from using Spam over other brands. Not only does it get whites whiter, and brights brighter, your clothes will smell wonderful. Is there anything Spam can’t do? I guess by now, you all have heard the shocking allegations placed upon Tinky-Winky, as being a homosexual. You know, the purple Teletubbie. The reasons for these accusations are, Tinky-Winky carrying a purse, having the “Gay sign” on his head, and he enjoys being tickled on the butt by the other Teletubbies. This is simply just not true. Although they are the children of Satan, homosexuals they are not! Tinky-Winky is just another victim of the media. It’s happened to best of people, O.J. Simpson(he’s not guilty, I swear!), Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, Sadam Hussien, Elvis, Vanilla Ice, the list goes on. Now that the president is out of the news, the media used another one of their mind-rape techniques, and tried to convince the world that an innocent Teletubbie is gay! Don’t believe this garbage! Let’s look at the evidence shall we. So he carries a purse, who cares? It’s the 90’s, lots of non-homosexual men carry purses. Guys have to carry stuff around too you know. About the “Gay sign” on his head, now that’s just a load of crap. It’s a triangle, symbolizing his love of geometry, not a statement of his sexual preference! And the last reason, about the butt tickling thing. Who doesn’t like to be tickled on the butt? I rest my case. And even if these allegations are true, who cares. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t entertain our children, which he does a damn good job of I might add! Ever find yourself in a strange parallel universe? If your like me, you are trapped in a time warp constantly, and the first thing I always think of, is orange juice. How else are you going to get your citric acid for the day? Come on people, just because your in another dimension, doesn’t mean you can’t get your vitamin C! This has nothing to do with anything I have ever said, or will say in the future. Please disregard the whole paragraph like you never read it. Here are some more poems I wrote. I have lots of sperm. I have lots of sperm. In fact, I have too much sperm. I am not a chair, Please do not sit on me. I am typing this with my fingers, Chicken fingers, Jerome’s got sickle-cell anemia. I have a pencil, That rhymes with stencil, I have a fingernail, Don’t hump my leg. Are you there? Are you anywhere? Price check on frozen peas, isle 4. I killed a man in Reno, Just to watch him die. In my hair, On my brain, Get these damn potatoes out of here. Like a table saw, I have wings. And like a hippopotamus, I will fly. I want to run for senator, Cause I’m a librarian, And I’m hungry. The fish died. Pancakes, Pancakes, All around, Pez can cure cancer. Well that’s all the poems I have written so far. Some people ask me where I get my inspiration to write all these works of art. Most of them come from life experiences myself, or Alex Trebec have gone through. Are you tired of narrowly escaping death because those Colombian drug-lords are after you again? I know I am! I mean, I’ve tried all those bullet-proof vests that claim they will save your life, and I still end up in the care of Scandinavian monks who nurse me back to health after the frequent drive-bys in my neighborhood. Screw that cheap-ass kevlar! You want real protection? Try Spam, that’s right, cause now Spam is 100% bullet-proof! The same delicious meat, only gangster-friendly. Just think, it’s small, thin, virtually undetectable, not to mention downright stylish! The best part is, it’s still edible after use! So after you finish off the Canadian Nazi biker gang, just remove the bullets and enjoy. Now to pay tribute to my :cough: wonderful :cough: city, here is... Ode To my City Virginia Beach is a city, A city where herds of buffalo can roam the streets freely and listen to Barry Mannillow without being harassed, A city where mimes can practice their trade and be respected as the true artists that they are, A city where someone can have a penguin as a roommate and still qualify for the 2000 summer Olympics in Salt Lake City and not be judged for it, A city where Spam and Pez flow like water, A city joined together through brotherhood and compassion for Gregorian Monks, A city with a large underground homosexual population, A city not run by Neo-Nazi Brazilian vampires who stalk the streets at night looking for ovaltine, That’s Virginia Beach, the city who’s mayor has to crap out of his stomach into a paper bag every two hours, That’s the city I live in! But what tenth anniversary special would be complete without..... The Best Of Little Known Facts About Brandon Partin 1) In his past life, he was a gerbil resistance-fighter trying to rid the world of radioactive cyborg hamsters. 2) He directed the adult film, “Forest Hump”, with Tom Spanks and Lieutenant Hand. 3) He spent seven years of his life in a Costa Rican rainforest documenting the mating habits of George Micheals. 4) He has three testicles. 5) He gets an orgasm just by thinking about sliced bread. 6) He defended O.J. Simpson in the highly publicized murder trial! 7) He once ate an entire package of Spam in 9 seconds! 8) He is worshipped as a god in three Central American countries! 9) He is the founder of the animal rights activist group, P.E.T.S., or, People for the Ethical Treatment of Spam. 10) He was the first person to perform open-heart surgery on himself. I didn’t pick the little known facts about Brandon Partin that were used in here, some people did, so bitch at them, not me. Well, I guess that’s it, maybe you enjoyed this issue and would like to give me money? I’ll see you all next time. I hope this didn’t suck too much.