On thursday I was back in the computer lab chugging through all of data that I had acquired during my experiment on Tuesday, and rest assured, there is no possible way that whatever deity exists would allow me to spend an entire afternoon doing mindless computer work without finding some way to humor her/himself at my expense. The afternoon started normally. I was overcharged for food at the food court adjacent to our lab, I ran up to the lab to find Li using the computer that I needed to use, and after some gesturing with hands and pointing to the clock I understood that he would be finished in about 15 minutes...which gave me just enough time to sit down and spill half of my salad on my lap instead of succeeding in depositing it in my mouth. Well, after some cleaning and much frustration on my part, I finally approached the computer. Li seemed to be playing some game of lab hot potato, because he didnt seem to be able to stay in the same lab for more than a few minutes, before running away. But this was no big deal, because I had a lot of data ahead of me, and no time to teach Li new line dances. Well, apparently that "higher power" decided to spite me for not wanting to teach line dances, by blocking all but two radio stations. That afternoon I had my choice of two radio stations: the oldies station and the spanish station. Normally this wouldn't be a problem because I love oldies, but for some ungodly reason the oldies station had decided to play a Neil Diamond marathon. What, why, how!?!?!?!?!? What dumb network executive decided that a Neil Diamond marathon would be a smart way to raise advertising revenue and increase listening audience? Anyway, you may be wondering why is it that I was immediately predisposed to abhorring Neil Diamond. When I was young my mother made my brothers and I watch "The Jazz Singer", which apparently was a remake of a classic movie, this time staring Neil Diamond as a struggling musician from New York who leaves his Jewish wife and arrives in LA to make it big and knock up some pretty goy girl. His father proceeds to disown him, and Neil has to win his father's love back by showing him a picture of the baby and stating that the little critter has the old man's eyes, or something like that, I'm not really sure. Anyway, as far as remakes go, this particular one sucked worse than a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Not only did the acting suck, but some demented producer allowed Neil Diamond to actually record the soundtrack to the movie!!! Watching it was like being slapped in the face and kicked in the nads at the same time. It was a painful memory that I tried to suppress, but as soon as I heard "Hey Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon" on the radio a flood of crotch pain cascaded from the past and I found myself squirming on the floor. Desperate to end my suffering I turned the radio to the only other available station to hear to my pleasure "me gusta Hesus Criste...me gusta (insert spanish that i didnt understand) me gusta... Criste". SPLENDID! I thought. Confronted with the options of Mexican missionary music, Neil Diamond, or having to listen to the people in the adjacent lab, I chose Neil Diamond. I suffered through "I got the feeling", "I'm a believer" (which he actually wrote for the Monkeys but decided to sing at some point over the past 20 years and punish humanity for eternity), "Touching you..Touching me", and by the time the song "Sweet Caroline" was played I sang along singing "Sweet Caroline...Kill me now and do it fast...This music sucks...I feel like I got kicked in the nads." And of course because they must play his songs in relative chronological order, they just kept getting worse and worse and his music approached that period that people call "The 80s". By this point I couldn't take it anymore, and turned off the radio before I would be tempted to smash it against the wall and scream at it and wave my arms like the apes in "2001". But with "Sweet Caroline" running through my head, I couldn't help but try and find out why Neil Diamonds music is so bad. So I decided to turn to the Internet, that reliable source of information. I actually decided to visit NeilDiamond.com, a site dedicated to a crappy artist and crappy actor who somehow became rich and famous...god bless America! From my extensive research I was able to isolate the following reasons why listening to Neil Diamond's music feels like a root canal. Each reason is followed by information from the website.
1. Extensive time in Wyoming -- Akeeba Diamond (the dad) moves family to Cheyenne, Wyoming, in 1945, where he will remain stationed for the remainder of World War II.
2. Adolescent relations with Barbra Streisand -- Neil attends both Erasmus Hall High School & Lincoln High School in Brooklyn NY. While at Erasmus Hall, Neil sings in the same chorus as a young 15-year old singer named Barbra Streisand.
3. Went to college as a premed (they are all crazy)!!! and enjoyed fencing!!! -- Neil attends New York University as a pre-med student on a fencing scholarship.
4. Went to NYU and quit one semester early...decides to punish world for eternity because of lack of college degree --- Leaves college one semester short of graduation to take a job in Tin Pan Alley, the epicenter of the New York music publishing world. Neil earns $50 a week as a staff songwriter for Sunbeam Music.
5. Performed in a Vegas casino, proving that his music is just elevator music -- Performs one of 3 record-setting shows for a concert series at the lavish, new 'Aladdin Theatre for the Performing Arts' in Las Vegas (1976).
6. Attended a party hosted by Ronald Regan in honor of Prince Charles --Attends a White House Party in honor of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, as a guest of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. After an impromptu performance for the guests, Princess Diana and Neil share a dance before the audience (1985).
7. He did a Christmas TV special --
Neil joins Julie Andrews in performing at the annual "Christmas In Washington D.C" television special (1992).
8. The movie "Saving Silverman" -- The film "Saving Silverman" is released. Neil performs a cameo role as himself opposite Jason Biggs, Jack Black, and Steve Zahn in a romantic comedy about the friendships and love lives of three friends, members of a Neil Diamond tribute band.
9. The Canadians are crazy about him...People in Canada were actually being rude to each other in order to obtain tickets to his recent Canada shows. You all know as well as I do that only some evil force could cause those silly Canucks to stop being obscenely polite to each other. Ay!
Without any form of salvation I spent the rest of the afternoon processing data and trying to think of anything that would get Neil's music out of my head. I found that his music is so god awful, that even the song from the end of Lambchops play along show from primary school couldn't usurp my neurons from Neil and his hostile invasion force of bad singles. In the end only one method prevailed, and that was humming the tune to the slow dance song that was played every week at line dancing that I despised. The tacky song that goes "Every little thing that you do what you do, I'm so in love with you.something something something...I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side for ever and ever...every little thing that you do, baby I'm amazed by you". Only the tackiness of this song and the memory of drunk of hicks tripping over each other at the line dancing bar in Charlotesville could oust the chorus of "Touching You..Touching Me".
I ended up staying in the lab rather late, and almost got run over by an SUV as a I made my way to the gym afterwards, where I managed to catch the very end of Bush's question dodging session that he held Thursday evening on CNN. Talk about an axis of evil..Neil Diamond, SUVs, etc. So if you believe in a higher power, please explain to me why it is that I was punished on Thursday.
Anyway, this rant has gone on long enough, so I hope that you enjoyed it. If you feel the need to listen to Neil Diamond's music after this, or for some bizarre reason watch the movie "The Jazz Singer" I recommend that you drink 12 ounces of motor oil and come to your senses.
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