Beginning of Turn
Blonde Lure 2
Limousine 1
Bill Lumberg's Lair
Conference Room 1 Bill Lumberg's Lair
Coffee Bar 1
Bill Lumberg's Lair
Satellite Laser 4
Jan Brady's Groovy Lair
Hit Man 1
Space Station 3Lair
Lair
Bill Lumberg's Lair
Fax Modem 1
Jan Brady's Groovy Lair
Motorcycle Troops 3
Lair
Lair
Lair
Lair
DESTROYED
Lair
Lair
Cavern of Woe 4
Lair
Lair
Lair
Ming The Merciless's Lair
Robot Car 3
Orbital Missile 3
Casino 1
Shark Tank 1
Booby-Trapped Conference Room 2
Killer Ninja Women 3
Giant Submarine 4
Villain
Score
Captives (Value/Points)
Trevor Goodchilde
17
Mr. Cranston (6)
Jan Brady
12
none
Martha Stewart
8
Mrs. Peel (4)
Ming the Merciless
6
Ms. Prince (3/6)
Hank Scorpio
2
none
Bill Lumberg
0
Mr. Dent (1/4)us
Mr. Gone
0
none
4
2
1
WRESTLING
MIDGETS
1
ANDROIDS
2
SURGERY
1
LODGE
1
STATUE
2
| Code |
|
| R | When you fail to appear on the camera monitoring your cell, let me send in a henchman to completely ignore all possible hiding places and stare for several seconds at your empty cot, leaving the door open behind him. |
| S | Let me execute some of my imbecilic henchmen, to keep the rest in line. |
| Q | I will confine you backstage while my lovely assistant Rita runs through her complete Vegas musical show! |
| N | Let me entrust you to the care of my sex-crazed female associate, secure in my knowledge that any woman would prefer a balding deformed megalomaniac to you. |
| Trevor Goodchilde runs a successful business with the help of his stunningly beautiful daughters. Who could suspect such a man of evil ... and live? |
| Hank Scorpio runs a great company to work for, especially if you like bratwurst, three weeks paid vacation a year, and taking over the world with an atomic laser. |
| Martha Stewart extends the tyranny of unattainable "elegance" over everyday lives, and makes them pay her for it. |
| Jan Brady's evil lair is of course the room she used to share with Marsha and Cindy. It will be plastered with posters of Marsha. Marsha graduating from Amherst, Marsha as a diplomat at the UN. Marsha on the cover of Time magazine!!! Oh, so evil. So very evil. |
| Bill Lumberg is the creepy middle manager who is vital to keep things from getting done. He'd like you to go ahead and come in on Sunday as well as Saturday, m'kay? That'd be great. |
| Ming the Merciless is the vaguely Oriental tyrant of distant Mongo, suzerain of its warring races. He likes to play with worlds a while before their final destruction. |
| Trevor Goodchilde builds
a Ski Lift and lures Mr. Powers into his lair. "Before I kill you, Mr. Powers, I shall give you one last opportunity to divulge what they believe I think they know." Powers, who is secretly a Bomb, blows up Goodchilde's Lair. Ms. Suttle, who had stumbled onto Goodchilde's Lair as well, escapes unharmed. |
| Hank Scorpio pushes his people night and day to complete the master plan. And he takes a poll to see which country is to be destroyed first! The employees choose France. Mr. Cleese, posing as an employee votes for France twice, exposing his imposture, and is captured. |
| Martha Stewart designs the perfect color scheme of black, grey, brown, and red will be used to accentuate the torture rack, Iron Maiden, Pit of Despair, and other assorted items in her evil lair. A few strategically placed cobwebs are hung here and there. As a final touch, there is the occasional dash of fresh blood on the wall and floors, freshened by lackeys. Once all is in readiness, Mr. Wooster stumbles right in. |
| Jan Brady works on her evil lair. It attracts the notice of ace spy Mr. Moore, who is captured. |
| Bill Lumberg undertakes expansion of his departmental sub-office regional lair task group, but someone else snaps up the Lifelike Robots first. So he goes on a sudden mid-day shopping spree to spend the budget before it runs out at the end of the fiscal week. |
| Ming the Merciless captures Mr. Kent. |
| Trevor Goodchilde is furious that not only was the ski lift destroyed, but Helen (his daughter, an excellent blonde lure) left because of it. Trevor decides to do things better this time. He bends all his worldwide efforts to lure Ms. Suttle to his lair. He knows she did not destroy the first one, but Powers is dead, and Trevor must take his anger out on someone. She was there, she MUST have been involved! He's a little too worked up to taunt her, of course. |
| Hank Scorpio kills Mr. Cleese. His subtle plan to lure Ms. Suttle to her doom is a little TOO subtle, as it allows Trevor Goodchilde time to get her first! On the other hand, Hank Scorpio is winning the game, as he's actually managed to kill a spy! |
| Martha Stewart launches a satellite broadcasting the Martha Stewart Channel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Martha teaches the uneducated masses the best ways to create ridiculously complicated meals out of expensive foodstuffs, and worse ways to build mousetraps. She's also sure to advertise each and every one of her books and magazines. Every evening at 7 p.m. she broadcasts "Martha Stewart's News" from the Cavern of Woe, focusing on the events in the life of the most important person on earth -- herself, of course. |
| Jan Brady taunts Mr. Moore: "Before I kill you, Mr. Moore, I will tell you my life story, as you are the only one who could possibly understand ... it was always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! She was always hogging the spotlight, filling up the room with her trophies, having boys over while I sat in the attic and listened to every word ... but no matter who has to die, I'm going to have my revenge!" Mr. Moore commiserates, having been haunted by comparisons to Mr. Connery for his entire spy career. As they chat, workmen greatly expand Jan's groovy lair all around them. |
|
Bill Lumberg lured Mr. Dent into his lair. He tried to lure Ms. Suttle, but she's pretty hot these days and, y'know, our firm has to be satisfied with what it can get. Then he taunts Mr. Dent: "Before I kill you, Mr. Dent, it'd be great if I could just go ahead and ... taunt you with this deadly weapon here. And I know a child could have untied those ropes by now, but don't you go doing that, okay? That'd be great. See ya." He spends Friday laying off the biowarfare division. |
| Ming the Merciless taunts Mr. Kent: "Allow me to introduce my large, spineless and overworked business associate, Mister Lo." He lures Mr. Steed into his lair, and builds something else onto the underground sector. |
| Trevor Goodchilde feels better now. Things went according to his meticulous plan. He builds a shark tank and casino, then taunts Ms. Suttle: "Before I kill you, Ms. Suttle, I shall throw you into this tank of sharks, blithely unaware that all shark tanks have enormous drains." Fortunately, the drain isn't quite enormous enough, sending Ms. Suttle to her highly classified reward. Then he lures his fellow billionaire, Mr. Wayne, into his underground lair, already rehearsing his next savage taunt ... |
| Hank Scorpio spends an entire week trying to lure Mr. Connery, and fails! But it's not Homer's fault -- it's that shifty, ingratiating Frank Grimes! Off with his head! |
| Martha Stewart invites Mr. Connery to her lair for her Holiday Feast (TM). As entertainment, she kills Mr. Wooster in the Cavern of Woe. Mr. Connery begins to suspect all is not right with his charming hostess, but now, of course, it's too late. The stuffing has been laced with sleeping pills so she can subdue him more easily. |
| Jan Brady taunts Mr. Moore:
"Before I kill you, Mr. Moore, Because you cannot escape,
there is no harm in telling you my master plan ... my orbital fortress is merely a stepping stone to a fleet of nuclear rockets which will ensnare a football-shaped asteroid and redirect it toward the Earth, while my agents lure Marsha to the exact spot where the asteroid will strike her on the bridge of her perfect nose, recreating the one moment in my life when I was truly happy, happy, I say, happy in her downfall! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"Furthermore, before I kill you, Mr. Moore, I shall give you one last opportunity to admit that I am the master spy. It's me, isn't it? I'm a better spy than Marsha, aren't I? You're about to die, there's no reason to hide the truth. Admit it!" Jan also lures Mr. McClane into her lair by pretending to take over an office block at Christmas. That always works. |
|
Bill Lumberg spends the whole week leading Mr. Connery on a wild goose chase from Athens to Istanbul, New Delhi, Bangkok, Jakarta, Sydney, Buenos Aires and Havana, only to capture him at the end in Cleveland. But Connery is intercepted by Martha Stewart on the flight into Cleveland and leaves with her instead. Lumberg fumes in a subdued, somnolent manner into his omnipresent coffee cup.
|
| Ming the Merciless kills Mr. Kent and laughs maniacally. His subordinate, Mister Lo, edges away. Then Ming taunts Mr. Steed: "Before I kill you, Mr. Steed, let me lock you in this cell without searching your expensively tailored tuxedo for lockpicks." Ming tries to build a shark tank, but finds both shark-tank contractors in the book are already working on Mr. Goodchilde's shark tank this week; he specified a rush job and pays awfully well, with none of that scary laughing as spies are put to death. Ming then lures Mr. Phelps into his lair, which is a horrible tactical mistake, as Mr. Phelps (a Bomb) self-destructs within five seconds. Ming's lair crashes down in ruins. |
FOURTH TURN
|
Trevor Goodchilde taunts Mr. Wayne: "Before I kill you, Mr. Wayne, I challenge you to a blindfolded karate match!" But he knows Mr. Wayne could actually kick his ass, so once the blindfold is on, he sends his Killer Ninja Babes after him. Luring Mr. Flint into his lair, he duels him
in a final, never-ending game of chess! |
| Hank Scorpio lures Dr. Hammond into his lair. |
| Martha Stewart
executes Mr. Connery but is then shocked to realize she forgot to
taunt him, an elementary part of villain-prisoner etiquette. Remorseful,
she spends 3 days sending out invitations to invite the local Hell's
Angels motorcycle gang to join her for her New Year's Eve Feast.
Unfortunately, they are under contract to Jan Brady. She also sends an invitation to Mrs. Peel, figuring that her festivities need a more womanly touch as well. |
| Jan Brady taunts Mr.
McClane: "Before I kill you, Mr. McClane, I
will strap you to the casing of this unmanned rocket, shot high
into the heavens as a personal message from me to your masters."
It seems to impress him. Marsha doesn't have a rocket.
After returning to her other prison complex, she kills Mr. Moore under a torrent of Time Magazines bearing Marsha's picture as Woman of the Year. |
|
Peter wedged himself into his chair and fired up his computer for another unrewarding day of work at Eskimo Valley Industrial Labs. He gave the fax/modem machine that co-inhabited the cubicle with him an evil glare, and by the time he turned back towards his screen he could make out the response the fax machine flashed back at him on it's little lcd screen through the corner of his eye: "I hate you too, Dave." As he was asking himself for the hundreth time why he couldn't find a job somewhere else, his employer had arrived at the cubicle door, coffee mug in hand. "Hi Peter. What's happening?" Lumberg asked, continuing in his monotone voice before Peter could answer. "Listen, we have a small problem... ahh, something about a breach down in R&D. Broken glass... blown fuse... screaming... Anyways, one of the servers went down, so we're going to code 4 on the... unusual circumstances memo. Cancel vacation and sick days for the next few months... have everyone come in on Saturadys too to make up the work lost." "Um, yes Mr. Lumberg. But I put in some vacation time a couple months ago for my sister's wedding in Florida. I know the memo says..." "Do you have the memo, Peter? Yeah... the one with the codes for unusual circumstances." "Yes, sir. I have it right here, in fact..." "Yeah... the memo says all vacation time is cancelled. Sorry about that. I'll send you a copy of the memo." Peter bit his tongue while holding the aformentioned memo, when a couple security guards rolled an impeciably dressed man strapped to wheeled office chair to the cubicle. "Oh, yeah... while the haz-mat crews
clean up R&D, we've had to shuffle things around a little...
hrm... to make up for lost "You're mad, Lumberg. The banks in
Geneva will never be fooled by your Benjamin Stein 100s,"
the suit spat out. First the "Ahhh... If you could taunt Mr. Dent with a weapon every hour or so, that'd be great..." Lumberg continued, pausing only to sip his coffee. Peter jumped to take advantage of the pause. "Mr. Lumberg, if there's going to
be two of us in this cubicle, could we get the fax machine moved
somewhere else?" Again "Hrm... yeah... why don't you write up a form 5318H and file it with office resources. They can get around to that in a few months and fax back an answer." And he was off, preparing to ruin another Eskimo Valley employee's day before Peter could get in another word. "Uh ... Mr. Spy?" said Peter tenatively. "Ahem ... My plan is foolproof ... which is fortunate, considering the associates I have to work with."
|
| Ming the Merciless builds the Giant Submarine and lures Ms. Prince into his lair. |
|
Mr. Gone
is terrribly mysterious -- a reputation he's gained both for his
frequent retreats from reality to an imaginary land of his own
creation and for his love of cow decor and kitch in bathrooms.
At least one of these perversions can be justified by the actual
existance of a paralel dimension called "Pangia" that
looks not unlike the australian outback. (Note: This is not a new player, but a
player who joined at the beginning but didn't submit any orders
for the first three turns.) |
FIFTH TURN
|
Trevor Goodchilde realizes he will
never be able to beat Flint at chess, but Flint won't beat him
either. Therefore, rather than taunt him, Trevor allows Flint
a dignified death at the hands of the Killer Ninja Babes, on that
first day of the week, Monday. But Trevor then sees one more dilettante
billionaire spy out there, and Trevor wants to be the top. |
| Hank Scorpio taunts Dr. Hammond (In the summer we would make meat helmets) and then tries to capture Mr. Drake. But the taunt he chooses has also been used by Martha Stewart! Dr. Hammond escapes, blowing up Hank's lair, and Martha Stewart refuses to use an old taunt, gaining no points for taunting Mrs. Peel. And of course, now Scorpio can't capture Mr. Drake because he has no lair! |
| Martha Stewart
pulls out her spring decorating supplies, and taunts Mrs. Peel with
"In the spring, we would make meat helmets." Hoping to
steal some interior decorating tips, she also tries to send Mr.
Cranston into Trevor Goodchilde's lair, where he already is. |
| Jan Brady kills Mr. McClane, then fails to get either a Robot Car or Armored Train. Phooey! |
|
|
|
Ming the Merciless builds a Robot Car. He also tries to gain an Armored Train, but this apparently cannot be done! Ming screams about how he is surrounded by fools and imbeciles.
|
|
Mr. Gone builds an armored train. (god bless this armored train and all who ride within the armored train) because, well, he has no spies to taunt and there's not much left on the board :)
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