TNT "Special Edition" Useless Ideas

TNT Useless Idea #1: Let's Satisfy EVERYBODY

"Wow, this is a great site," Sheridan says, sitting in front of his computer.
"What's that?" Delenn asks.
"The Rebo and Zooty website. See, ISN cancelled the show, but TNT Galactic bought the rights to it; so we get another season and the show's creator can finish the show the way he intended."
"That must be great for the fans," Delenn says.
"It is," Sheridan answers. "And ever since TNT aired the original movie, 'Rebo and Zooty: At the Starting Point', there've been a whole lot of new people posting to the site. It's neat to see so many new faces."
"And they all bring different viewpoints, no doubt," Deleen says. "That must help spark new discussions."
"It does." Sheridan frowns. "But a lot of them seem to be nitpicking over little things. Like TNT Galactic's logo down in the bottom corner."
"I've hardly ever noticed it," Delenn says.
"I haven't, either. But apparently people seem to fixate on the logo more than the show. They also think the show should be aired at a different time. Maybe even twice a night, so people can watch it when it's convenient for *them*."
"Wait," Delenn says. "Wouldn't TNT Galactic have to shuffle their schedule around to do that? Wouldn't that annoy fans of the *other* programs, if 'Rebo and Zooty' bumped those programs to inconvenient time-slots?"
Sheridan nods. "Yep. Guess they don't see that TNT Galactic serves a varied group of viewers, and can't alter its schedule just because of one group of fans, no matter how vocal."
"I would think," Delenn says, "that they'd be grateful just to be able to see more episodes of the show, since it wouldn't even be on at all without TNT Galactic."
Sheridan shrugs. "You'd think so, wouldn't you?"
"What if..." Delenn frowns.
"What is it?"
"I was just thinking--if so many are unhappy...what if all of the people who posted to the website chipped in some money? Then they could *buy* TNT Galactic, and show 'Rebo and Zooty' twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week--without the logo, without commercials..."
"My God, 'Lennie!" Sheridan exclaims. "That's brilliant! Everyone would be happy, then!" Then he slouches in his chair, disheartened. "No, no, that won't work, either."
"Why not?"
"Because it's much easier to just let someone else take all the risk, spend all the money, do all the advertising, set up a website and viewing parties--and then nag them for their efforts."
Delenn nods. "Such is the way of the universe."
Delenn leans forward, studies the screen. "A lot of them seem to be asking the same questions over and over, too."
Sheridan shakes his head. "Don't even get me started on that..."

TNT Useless Idea #2: Okay, You Asked For It...

Sheridan and all of the others have gathered in their dress uniforms in the docking bay, to greet the arrival of a visiting ship.
A hatch opens in the ship and out comes a herald, who cracks his staff on the ground. His voice booms out: "Presenting their exalted highnesses, Sir Fabius and Lady Kira, of the planet Umbilicus Pluto!"
The pair of diplomats emerges from the vessel. Sheridan shakes their hands, and Delenn gives Sir Fabius a bouquet of roses.
Sir Fabius cries out and drops the bouquet, sucking on his thumb. "Ouch! I pricked myself on a thorne!"
"No, dear," Lady Kira says. "It's not 'thorne', it's 'thorn'. Remember to work on your spelling."
"Well," Sheridan says, "I'm afraid I have duties to attend to, so I leave you in the care of our supreme hostess, Dethriel."
Dethriel comes up, curtsies. "Dear Sir, Dear Lady, if you'll follow me, I'll show you to your quarters."
She leads them off, escorted by an honor guard.
Sheridan and the other command staff return to C&C.
They haven't been there very long, when alrams begin to go off, as three gigantic ships emerge from the jumpgate.
"What the hell--?" Sheridan says. "Identify!"
Corwin calls out, "They're registered as the 'Belgarath', the 'Eldor' and the 'Aragorn', sir!"
"Open a channel," Sheridan says. "Let's--"
A voice booms over the speakers, overriding him. "Your station will be destroyed unless you deliver to us the sum of six million dollars!"
"Six million--!" Sheridan exclaims. "I haven't got that kind of cash...Wait a minute! We've got a $6M Man on board. What if we give you him, instead?"
"Unacceptable. You have two minutes to comply with our demands. There will be no further warning."
"There's only one man who'll know how to handle this," Sheridan says. He turns to Corwin. "Get me LtCol. Stickler."
"Sir," Corwin frowns. "Is he still with Earthforce?"
Sheridan shakes his head. "I have no idea. He keeps changing his mind. But find him! And bring those diplomats up here. It can't be a coincidence they arrived at the same time."
As Corwin goes running off, one of the honor guard comes staggering through the door, bloody and battered.
"Soldier," Sheridan says. "What happened?"
"Ambush," the guard says. "Some crazed woman named Zoisty attacked us, abducted Sir Fabius and Lady Kira. Said she was taking them to someplace called 'Grey 17'."
"Damn," Sheridan says. "Where's Kosh when you need him?"
Ivanova scowls. "Probably on another date with Talia. What's he got that I haven't?"
"Well, I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to strike. Launch Mad Dog squadron," Sheridan orders.
The Starfury squadron heads out, and all are destroyed within seconds by the enemy ships.
"Your time is up," the voice booms from the speakers. "Prepare to die!"
Just then, a jumpgate opens, and out comes a ship of unfamiliar configuration. It heads for the enemy ships.
"This is Neroon!" the voice from the newcomer says. "Religiously working-class warrior and captain of GreyStar One! Power down your weapons and leave this station in peace!"
"Never!" The Belgarath opens fire. The GreyStar opens fire. The Eldor opens fire. The Aragorn opens fire. The station opens fire. EVERYBODY opens fire!
"Fire the photon torpedoes!" Bester cries, leapin about the bridge, waving his arms. "Fire the photon torpedoes!"
In the end, all three enemy ships are destroyed in huge explosions, taking the GreyStar and Neroon with them into oblivion. The station is left relatively intact.
"Well, that was fun," Ivanova says. She turns around to see Sheridan leaving the room, rubbing at his temples.
"Captain, where are you going?"
"Back to my quarters for some rest," Sheridan says. "All these cameo appearances are giving me a headache..."

TNT Useless Idea #3: Okay, You Asked For It, Part II

Corwin's up in C&C, monitoring the boards, when a message flashes up on one screen. It's a sinlge word: "meow".
He calls someone over to take his post, and hurries down into a secluded section of the station. Inside a room there he finds a teenage girl.
"Catseye!" he says.
"Well, you remembered my nickname, how sweet," the girl says. "But where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours. It's not nice to lead a girl on like that and then just--"
"No, stop! This isn't going to work! You're too young for me. I'm breaking this thing off."
"Why would you want to do that?" she says, moving in.
Just then, the door opens, and a man steps in. Corwin gasps. "Joseph?"
"*Joseph?*" Catseye says. She turns to Corwin. "Joseph DeMartino? You said he never came into this room!" She slaps Corwin. "You lied to me! I'm calling this whole thing off!"
She stalks out of the room.
Joe smiles at Corwin. "Captain wants his key personnel in the briefing room in ten minutes."
As Corwin runs past him and down the corridor, Joe calls, "Give him my regards!"

Later, in the briefing room, Sheridan says to Garibaldi, "Okay, Michael, I called everyone in. What's this all about?"
"We've got a crisis," Garibaldi says. "Zoisty's on the move again."
"Oh, no," Sheridan groans, rubbing at his temples. "This is going to be another one of those 'name-dropping' episodes again, isn't it?"
LtCol Stickler raises his voice. "Who's Zoisty?"
"That's right; we couldn't find you for the last encounter," Garibaldi says. "So, in a nutshell: about a month ago the dignitaries Sir Fabius and Lady Kira arrived on the station. Dethriel took them on a tour and they were abducted by Zoisty, taken to Grey 17."
"But," Ivanova adds, "no trace of them was ever found."
"And we were kind of distracted by three attacking ships," Corwin says.
"What were their names?" LtCol Stickler asks.
"Oh, God," Sheridan moans. "Make it stop!"
Corwin ignores him. "The Belgarath, the Aragorn and the Eldor. They were destroyed by Neroon."
"And now," Garibaldi says, "more people have begun to disappear. The latest were two women: Anne and Louise. Gone without a trace. Thsi has got Zoisty's fingerprints all over it."
"I heard a woman named Claudia and her family witnessed the abduction?" Ivanova asks.
"That's right," Garibaldi nods. "Claudia and her boy weren't very talkative, but Claudia's Girl said she saw Zoisty and the others disappear in a flash of light."
"What was it?" Corwin asks.
"Well," Garibaldi says, "we went to Kosh's quarters, thought he could explain it. But when we found him, there was a woman's Psi Corps uniform on the floor and a note on his encounter suit: 'If the encounter suit's a rockin', don't come a knockin'."
Ivanova snarls. "Talia, you little..."
"So, what'd you do?" LtCol Stickler asks.
"That suit was rockin' like crazy, so we went to the other Vorlon, Ulkesh Naranek. He told us that Zoisty's using a personal jumpgate. With Draal's help, we managed to track the destination--the jumpgate leads to a planet called Gaia."
"I'm not sure I'm understanding all this," LtCol Stickler says. He turns to the man beside him. "Do you, cScott?"
The man nods. "Yeah, I see Scott. He's right over there." He points.
Ivanova looks around. "Did I just hear a rimshot?"
"No," Sheridan says. "That's my brain imploding. Get on with it, Mike!"
"Anyway," Garibaldi continues, "Delenn called a Member of the Gray Council and someone from the Worker Caste, and together they managed to replicate the process. We can get to Gaia, but we need to assemble a strike team to rescue our people from whatever's there."
"I'll see to it immediately," Ivanova says. "I'll call some people in."
"Great!" Sheridan says. "This meeting's adjourned. Somebody find me some Tylenol."

Days later, Ivanova and Garibaldi pace before the assembled strike team.
"Quite a group you've put together," Garibaldi says.
"Yeah, well, the Brazilian Death Squad wasn't available, so we had to cobble something else together." Ivanova runs down the line, making introductions. "Here we've got $6M Man, who makes the absolute coolest sound effects when he runs and jumps and hits people. And here we've got G'kar Junior, illegitimate son of you-know-who."
"Ah," Garibaldi says. "Member of the infamous Narn Bat Squad, I see," he adds, looking at the bat in the Narn's hands.
"At your service," G'kar Junior says.
"And next to him," Ivanova says, "is GreyStar."
"Hel'zha," the young man corrects.
"You signed up as GreyStar."
"Yeah, well, I changed it, OKAY?!" he turns to G'kar Junior. "And the Minbari Pike Squad could kick the Narn Bat Squad's sorry asses!"
"Oh, yeah, *GreyStar*?"
The two start to pummel each other with their weapons of choice: WHACK! THWACK! WHACK! THWACK!
"They'll tire out soon enough," Ivanova says. "Moving on, here's SysCrusher. I don't know what a Sys is, but if we run into any, he'll crush 'em for us!"
"Great team," Garibaldi says. "But wait, wasn't there supposed to be somebody else?"
Ivanova nods. "Yes. Lord of Sporks was supposed to be here, but nobody's seen him for a while. We'll have to make do without him." She turns back to her troops. "Okay, people, let's get this over with! Ready weapons!"
Ivanova punches a button, and a tiny jumpgate appears in the middle of the room. The strike force files in, disappears. Ivanova and Garibaldi follow after them.
They emerge into a snowy, mountainous region.
"God, it's cold!" Garibaldi shouts.
"Quiet, you fool!" $6M shouts. "You want to start an avalanche?"
"Let's just work on finding Zoisty," Ivanova says.
"You've already found her," a voice says.
Everyone looks up to see Zoisty on the slope above them, surrounded by dozens of guards who begin to move toward the rescuers.
"Wait a minute," Garibaldi says. "Those two guards...It's Sir Fabius and Lady Kira! And those others--people missing from the station! You've brainwashed them, Zoisty! You fiend!"
"That's right!" Zoisty says. "Nothing like twelve straight hours of PBS pledge breaks to sap the will right out of a person. And you're next!"
"You'll never get away with this!"
"Just try and stop me!"
"All right," Garibaldi says. He takes a deep breath and then shouts, "Riiiiiicolllllllaaaaaa!!!!"
There's a rumble and an avalance hurtles down the mountain, burying Zoisty. Her servants snap out of their stupor. Ivanova and her team begin to dig through the snow to find Zoisty, but can't locate her.
"Somehow she must have gotten away," Garibaldi says. "I feel another sequel coming on..."
"Ohhhh, no," a man says, and everyone turns to see Sheridan walking toward them, Zoisty's unconscious body draped over one shoulder. "I'm not putting up with another one of *these* episodes again. This ends now."
Ivanova frowns. "How did you get here?"
"I ran into a Blind Man on the Zocalo. He just wiggled his fingers over a keyboard, and there I was. Oh, God! Now *I'm* dropping names! Let's get out of here before I completely lost my mind..."
They step into the jumpgate and head back to the station. Not long after, Sheridan asks his assistant what's on his itinerary for the day.
"Well, sir, you've got meetings with Binabik and thorne, an inspection tour of Mad Dog squadron, a--"
Sheridan covers his ears. "AAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!"
For years afterward, they wonder why Sheridan threw himself out an airlock...

TNT Useless Idea #4: Conspiracy Theory

Sheridan, Delenn, Zack, Lochley, Franklin, Londo, Vir and G'kar are gathered together in Sheridan's office, to watch that day's vintage episode of "Rebo and Zooty" on TNT Galactic. Sheridan clicks the screen on, but instead of "Rebo and Zooty", they see a basketball game.
Sheridan slaps his head. "Whoops! Forgot about the play-offs. Guess we'll just watch the game."
As Sheridan sits down, Garibaldi comes into the room. "Sorry I'm late, but--" He breaks off, staring at the basketball game on the screen. "What...the...HELL...is going on?! Where's 'Rebo and Zooty'?"
"It's the playoffs, Chief," Zack says. "It got pre-empted. We'll just have to wait until tomorrow."
"Well, I don't want to wait until tomorrow!" Garibaldi says. "I want it now! Damn it, *I'm* the viewer; why aren't they catering to *my* needs?"
"Get a grip, Michael," Sheridan says.
"Get a grip?!" Garibaldi shouts. "Don't you understand? I've planned my entire *life* around this show! To have them just take it away like this...we can't let them get away with it!"
"Mr. Garibaldi," Londo says. "I like the show as much as you, but it *is* just a television show. I don't see any need to get so worked--"
"No, no, no," Garibaldi says. "This is not *just* a show. This is *the* show. This show is the very reason the stars were set in the heavens, the very reason that life was spawned, so that it might one day bring forth this most perfect of creations!"
Lochley stares at him. "You've been drinking again, haven't you?"
"Besides," G'kar says. "This is a *re-run*. You *have* seen it before, yes? And the network did warn us this would happen with the play-offs, many months ago..."
"Well, yes," Garibaldi frowns, "but...hey! Don't try to bog this down with rationality!"
"Well, *I* haven't seen it yet," Franklin says. "I'm a bit miffed."
Sheridan claps him on the shoulder. "Stephen, you've got it easy. Back before TNT Galactic picked up the show, you could only see episodes *once a week*. And even then, you'd sometimes miss them, when the station bounced the show all over the place."
"Oh," Franklin says. "I guess we *do* have it pretty good, now."
"Sit down and enjoy the game, Michael," Sheridan says. Garibaldi, still grumbling, does just that.
The next day, the group gathers again. Sheridan flips on TNT Galactic...only to find a wrestling match on instead of "Rebo and Zooty".
"WHAT?!" Garibaldi shouts.
"Ooh, wrestling!" Delenn says, clapping her hands.
Garibaldi thumbs through the program guide, and thrusts it out at them. "There! It says right here that there's supposed to be an episode of 'Rebo and Zooty' on! So where is it? Huh? This just proves that the network has no regard for its viewers."
"Michael," Sheridan says. "Wrestling makes more money for TNT Galactic. Besides, the network no doubt had a contract with the wrestling producers *long* before they signed 'Rebo and Zooty' on. They have to honor prior commitments, no?"
Everyone else in the room nods.
Garibaldi glares at them. "You...TRAITORS! How DARE you call yourselves fans! Just rolling over like that and taking this network manipulation!"
"Michael..." Sheridan says.
"No!" Garibaldi shouts. "You know what you people are? You're a bunch of mother-(BLEEP)in' useless (BLEEP)in' pieces of (BLEEP). You just spend your (BLEEP)in' time kissing (BLEEP)in' TN(BLEEP)in' T Galactic's (BLEEP)in' (BLEEP)s. If you (BLEEP)s won't (BLEEP)in' support this most holy show, you can all just take your (BLEEP)in' (BLEEP) and (BLEEP)in' ram it right up your (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!!!"
Everyone in the room stares at him in shock. Then Franklin speaks.
"Wow," Franklin says. "You know, I thought you might have been overreacting a bit yesterday...But now that you phrase things like that, your arguments make *perfect* sense! I'm with you all the way, buddy! Down with TNT Galactic!"
"Right on!" Garibaldi shouts. "Who else is with us?"
Nobody answers.
"Losers," Garibaldi says. "C'mon, Stephen. Let's get to work."
The next day, "Rebo and Zooty" is again pre-empted by basketball. Garibaldi and Franklin stand on the Zocalo, handing out pamphlets.
"Down with TNT Galactic," Franklin says pleasantly to the passersby. "Take back our network..."
"TNT Galactic is perverting the greatest show ever!" Garibaldi shouts at the people. "We've got to stop them! I've discovered that the wife of the network's owner keeps track of EVERY program her husband's network purchases! She sees 'Rebo and Zooty' as offensive, and has convinced her husband to screw the schedule up so that we loyal viewers can't see it! It's a conspiracy! It's all the woman's fault! Fight the power! Fight the power!"
The next day, Garibaldi and Franklin are again on the Zocolo, railing against TNT Galactic, when Franklin glances at his watch. "Whoops! Four o'clock! Let's go, Michael."
Garibaldi and Franklin pack up and head to Sheridan's office to watch 'Rebo and Zooty' with the others. The show comes on as scheduled, and at the end, everyone notices something different.
"Hey," Zack says. "They didn't squeeze the credits. That was pretty cool of them..."
Garibaldi throws him a disgusted look. "You are *so* naive. It's pitifully obvious that this is just an attempt to pacify the righteous fury of the true fans. Well, it won't work, I tell you!"
"But if the network doesn't care about the viewers," Sheridan says, "why wouldn't they just leave the credits *with* the squeeze? Why go to the extra effort to restore them for people they care nothing about?"
Garibaldi frowns. "Uh...SHUT UP! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oookay..." Sheridan says.
"You'll never be happy with anything they do, will you, Mr. Garibaldi?" Londo asks.
"Sure I will," Garibaldi says. "As soon as they cancel every other show on the network and show 'Rebo and Zooty' twenty-four hours a day in glorious letterbox and surround-sound, commercial free, with a televised apology reading: 'To Mr. Garibaldi, the single most important viewer in the quadrant, we offer our humblest apologies.' Then I'll be perfectly happy."
"Oh, well, if *that's* all," G'kar says, rolling his eyes.
Garibaldi nods. "I don't think it's too much to ask for, do you? Well, do you?" he asks, as everyone but Franklin starts to leave the room. "Hey, guys? Where are you going? Guys...?"

TNT Useless Idea #5: Technical Difficulties

Sheridan's up in C&C, and looks over at Corwin. "Are we ready to switch over?"
Corwin nods. "Any time you're ready, sir."
Sheridan punches up the intercom, broadcasting to everyone on the station. "Okay, people, we're about to switch over to our new station operations system. We've listened to all of your suggestions, and think you'll be very pleased with the new efficiency."
Sheridan nods at Corwin, who pushes a button. "Switching to the new system, sir."
Instantly, all of the lights on the station go out.
"That, uh, wasn't supposed to happen, was it?" Sheridan asks.
"No, sir," Corwin says. "We must has disrupted the anti-matter flow in one of the couplings, causing a flibberty-gibbit in the whatcha-ma-hoozit and--oh, hell. Even I don't know what I'm talking about. Should've never listened to that O'Brien guy..." He gives the console a good swift kick, and the lights come back on. "Switch-over complete."
Sheridan speaks into the intercom again. "Enjoy your new freedoms, people."

A few days later, Zack arrives in Sheridan's office. "We've got a problem, Captain."
"Oh?"
"Well, it's the new system. People are having trouble with it. I think you may have changed too much all at once. The new turbolift routes are confusing everyone, and they're having a hell of a time getting around the station without getting lost."
Sheridan ponders it. "We'll look into it, see what we can do."

Days later, Sheridan's in his office talking to both Zack and Ivanova.
"All right, we've made some changes," Sheridan says. "The techs say it's an ongoing process, but give me some feedback on what's been done so far. How are things being received?"
"Well, sir," Ivanova says, "traffic to the station is WAY down from what it used to be. Some of the ships have trouble locking onto our beacon, and can't even get in. They're just hovering out there for a while and leaving..."
"Well, hopefully the continuing upgrades will bring them back," Sheridan says. "What about the people who *are* here, Zack?"
"It's going much more smoothly, sir," Zack says. "People are finding it much easier to get around, though there are still a few things they'd like to see improved." He hands Sheridan a list. "Unfortunately, we still have the occasional disappearance, people just vanishing without a trace. They might be walking out of airlocks, or smuggling themselves off the station somehow, but wherever they go, they don't seem to be coming back."
Sheridan shakes his head. "That's--"
He's interrupted when a security officer comes into the room. The man looks at Sheridan and Ivanova, then speaks to Zack. "Sir, one of them's back again."
Zack rolls his eyes and with Sheridan and Ivanova, he follows the security guard into Downbelow.
"What's going on?" Sheridan asks as they walk.
"Just something that seems to be happening more and more frequently," Zack says, as they stop in a corridor.
Ahead of them, a figure flickers into existence.
"Hey," Ivanova says. "Isn't that--?"
"I think it *is* him!" Sheridan says, even as the figure flickers away again. "What?!"
"Over there!" Ivanova points to a female figure that's appeared in the hallway. "I know her! Haven't seen her since...Hey!"
The woman shimmers away.
"What is all this?" Sheridan demands. "Those are valued station personnel. What's happening to them?"
"I'm no scientist," Zack says, "but it's gotta have something to do with the upgrades, sir. These people used to have a real, solid presence on this station, and now they just fade in and out. It seems to be happening to more and more people, too..."
Sheridan shakes his head. "This is bad. People unable to even reach the station. People fading in and out. People disappearing from the station entirely...The upgrades are continuing, but will it be fast enough to save things? There's gotta be something we can do to keep the station's community from falling apart."
"Like what?" Ivanova and Zack both chime.
Sheridan looks at both of them and sighs. "I'm open to suggestions..."

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