Useless Idea #129
Useless Idea #129: Continuity, Shmontinuity
Gideon's in his quarters, talking with Galen.
"It just doesn't make any sense, I tell you," he says.
"What's that, Matthew?" Galen asks.
"All these weird things that keep happening. You remember when we met up with those cyborg soldiers that were colonizing that planet? And Dr. Chambers used that nano-virus shield thingy to protect us from being infected by the Drakh plague when we visited them? The thing is...she didn't actually *discover* and develop that technology until much later. So how could she use the shield *before* she'd even invented it?"
"Hmmm, interesting point," Galen says.
"And Eilerson," Gideon says. "He started off as a total jerk, right? Then he became a bit more human...then reverted back to a jerk again! And how about the times we've alluded to events before they even happened...Or what about the way we all started spewing expository dialogue a few months into our mission, as if we'd completely forgotten *why* we were out here or who we all were! And don't even get me started on Lochley! I mean, have she and I had sex? Is that in the future? Has it already happened and we just forgot about it...?"
"I can see where that might cause some confusion..."
Gideon's comlink beeps. Matheson's voice says: "Captain, we've traced those temporal/continuity distortions like you asked."
"But I didn't ask you to do that," Gideon frowns.
"You asked us a couple of hours ago," Matheson says. "Or was it a couple of hours *from* now...? Well, anyway, the source of the disturbances seems to be in your quarters. Inside your wall, actually."
"Inside my--? Thanks, Gideon out."
Gideon opens his wall hatch, takes out his Apocalypse Box. Galen stares at it in horror.
"What are you doing with *that* thing?" Galen asks.
"Well, it gives me advice, though it occasionally lies to me..."
"I had a wife like that..." Galen studies the Box. "Matheson was right--I can sense the distortions emanating from it. And I'm detecting two non-human lifeforms inside..."
"Lifeforms?" Gideon asks. He leans in toward the Box. "What are you? Why are you disrupting everything?"
A voice answers from the Box: "Wait an hour after eating before you swim. Narf!"
Gideon and Galen exchange glances.
"Narf?" Gideon asks.
"Remember, only you can prevent forest fires! Poit!"
Another voice speaks. "Pinky, be quiet! You'll ruin everything!"
"Who's in there?" Gideon asks. "Why are you doing this to us?"
The second voice speaks. "Well, if you must know...I'm actually a genetically-altered lab mouse who once succeeded in conquering the galaxy, only to be hurled back a thousand years to ancient Minbar--and through a series of misadventures far too complicated to go into right now, I returned to the present time and now live inside my Apocalypse Box, dispensing advice and utilizing its reality-altering powers to warp continuity beyond all recognition, in the hopes of sweeping in during the resulting confusion and reclaiming my dominion over the galaxy!"
"Zort!"
"And that's Pinky."
"You fiends!" Galen says. "Ancient Technomage records speak of you, but I never imagined you'd be so diabolically...diabolical!"
"No kidding," Gideon says. "I'd say you plan worked a little too well."
"What do you mean?" Brain asks.
"You altered reality so much, our show was actually cancelled before it even aired."
"Cancelled?!"
"Yup. Taking the old dirt nap. On indefinite hiatus..."
"Well, this just won't do," Brain says. "What's the point of re-conquering the galaxy if nobody can watch me do it?"
A hatch in the side of the Apocalypse Box pops open, and Pinky and the Brain clamber out and begin to walk away.
"Come along, Pinky," Brain says. "We must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Brain?" Pinky asks. "What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"Same thing we'll do every night, Pinky--try to take over TNT!"
They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page