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TNT "Special Edition" Useless Idea #6: Okay, You Asked For It...Yet Again
Corwin and Lochley are in Lochley's office, a Scrabble board on the desk between them. Corwin frowns at Lochley's latest move.
"I don't think 'trurl' is an actual word, Captain," he says. "Neither was 'pilantj'."
"Sure it's a word," Lochley says. "Because I say it is."
Corwin sighs. "Yes, Captain," he says, and he stands up and starts unbuckling his pants. "But I'm really not sure that 'Strip Scrabble' is a regulation game..."
"Oh, it is," Lochley leers.
Just then, her comlink bleeps.
"Damn it," she grumbles. "Always ruining my fun." She taps the link. "Lochley here, go."
"Sir, you wanted to be informed when the multi-planetary delegation had arrived."
"All right, I'll be there shortly." She looks at Corwin. "Get dressed, we've got some hobnobbing to do."
A short time later, Lochley and Corwin, along with Vir and G'kar, arrive at the docking bays as several people debark from a shuttle. Lochley steps forward. "Welcome to Babylon 5, your highnesses," she says. "I'm Captain Lochley. President Sheridan and Delenn are currently away on Minbar, and our normal hostess, Dethriel, is on vacation at the moment, but we've made other arrangements for you."
"That's most kind of you," the leader says. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Queen Mab. My associates are Lady Kira, Sir Fabius, and Lady Morella. We look forward to joining your Alli--"
Mab's cut off as a ppg blast hits her in the shoulder. Other ppg blasts start to hit the other delegates.
Lochley turns to a pair of guards and shouts, "Phil, Shackleton, get that sniper!"
The two guards head toward the source of the shots, firing their weapons, and soon the shooting stops. They come back, dragging a girl between them.
"Looks like it was just a lonegungirl," Phil says.
"Why would she want to kill the delegates?" Corwin says.
"Actually, before she passed out, she said she was aiming at Lochley," Shackleton says. "No accounting for aim, I guess."
"Yeah, funny," Lochley says. "You're fired. We'll ship the sniper off to the prison on MinarviaI; she can keep Zoisty company." She looks at the fallen delegates. "Ah, well. Nothing like a bit of pointless violence to start the day, huh?"
Later, Lochley's in C&C when an officer turns to her. "Sir, we've got a ship approaching. It's the MES."
"The MES?"
"Minbari Expeditionary Squad," Corwin explains. "They joined up with Jinxo in his search for the Holy Grail, remember?"
"No, but I'll take your word for it."
The ship docks, and shortly thereafter three Minbari arrive at Lochley's office, introducing themselves as Neroon, Greylyn and Worker Caste.
"Neroon?" Lochley says. "Aren't you dead? Killed in that little conflagration with the Aragorn and Belgarath awhile back?"
"Uh...I'm a clone," Neroon stammers. "Yeah, that's it. A clone."
"Right. So what brings you folks here?"
Worker Caste speaks up. "As you may know, we were on a quest with the human Jinxo for the Holy Grail. That is, we *were* with him--until he developed an obsession with Eggo waffles; since then, we've been continuing on alone. And our research has shown us that the Holy Grail is actually somewhere on this station."
"And you're here to continue your search?"
Worker Caste laughs. "No, no. You know us Minbari--we always surrender just before reaching our goal. We just thought you might be interested in knowing it's here."
The three Minbari wander off.
"The Holy Grail," Lochley muses. She turns to Corwin. "I want that Grail, Corwin. Assemble a team."
Later, Lochley looks over the team that's been assembled. "Impressive, Corwin," she says. "But aren't we missing someone? That Hel'zha person..."
"Ah...he's in the brig, Captain," Corwin says. "For impersonating the President. But we do have Kiz...Kizar...the $6M Man. And the Inquisitor has decided to join us. And as you can see by the white coat I'm wearing, I've changed into my Corwin, The Physicist identity. Neutrinos beware!"
"Okay, here's what we're going to do," Lochley says. "If anybody will know where the Grail is, it'll be Kosh Kaltu. We'll check his quarters first."
The group heads out, but when they arrive, they find a note from Kosh reading, "Talia and I have gone to visit some relatives beyond the Rim. Please take care of our Vorlon Pet. Feed her twice a day, and we'll be back soon."
Lochley opens the door, and a huge creature leaps out and starts barking.
"What the HELL kind of pet is that?!" $6M Man shouts, leaping back.
One of the guards kneels down by it, and listens to the barking. "What is it, girl? You trying to tell us something?" He listens some more. "Timmy's trapped in the well? Let's go!"
Half the team goes running off down the hall after the Vorlon Pet, and Lochley shakes her head in disgust. "Idiots. The well's in the other direction."
"Well," Corwin says, "so much for asking the Vorlon. Maybe we should go cScott. Maybe he'll have some idea where to look."
Inquisitor shakes his head. "No one's seen him in awhile. I suggest we go check with Brother Theo and his monks..."
"Good idea," Lochley says, and they all head off.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the station, G'kar and Na'toth meet up with Vir.
"I've heard that there is a great relic on this station," G'kar says. "Its power could help rebuild both of our worlds. And I do not believe the humans will have the skill to find it."
"How do you know?" Vir asks.
"A little pookha told me."
"What's a pookha?"
"It's like a peekha, but with an 'oo'. I suggest we team up and find this relic."
"Great idea!" Vir says. "And I know just the man to help us--Indiana Narn!"
"That's a joke, right?" Na'toth says as Vir leads them off.
Along the way, they're stopped by a young girl who holds out a copy of the Book of G'kar. "G'kar, could I get your autograph, please? Make it out to gkarfan, your biggest fan!"
G'kar does so, and the girl hurries off.
"He's been getting this a lot, lately," Na'toth says to Vir. "Even the occasional Dervish, though the whirling makes him nauseous..."
They arrive at a tavern and Vir takes them over to meet a Narn dressed in a fedora and leather jacket with a bullwhip at his hip.
"Somebody's been raiding Garibaldi's wardrobe," Na'toth mutters.
"You!" G'kar says. "Junior, what are you doing in those clothes?"
"Dad..." the Narn mutters.
"What is with this 'Junior' business?" Vir says.
G'kar points at himself. "G'kar." He points at the other Narn. "G'kar Junior."
"I like Indiana," G'kar Junior says.
"We named the Zarg Indiana," G'kar says.
"The Zarg?" Vir snickers. "You are named after the Zarg?" He starts laughing.
"Let's get this show on the road," G'kar Junior says, and storms off. The others follow.
Elsewhere, Lochley and her group arrive at the door to Brother Theo's quarters. But it's not Brother Theo who answers the door.
"Where's Theo?" Lochley asks.
"He's away for awhile," the monk says. "I'm Brother Discotic. Can I help you with something?"
"We're looking for the Holy Grail," Corwin says, "and were wondering if you might have any clues?"
"Funny you should mention that," Brother Discotic says. "I just happen to have uncovered a document in some alien language that relates to it." He hands it over to them.
"What an incredible, plot-advancing coincidence!" Lochley says.
"Oh, I don't believe in coincidence," Brother Discotic says. "I actually have this theory that all our actions are being dictated by a Blind Man who--"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Lochley says. She pushes him back into the room and closes the door, then heads down the hallway. She hands the document to Corwin. "See what you can do with it, Corwin."
Corwin whips out a pocket computer and speaks to it. "Access code CRSb5. Tom, you there?"
"Tom?" Lochley asks.
"The station's new artificial intelligence matrix."
There's a beep from the computer and a message appears on the screen. "tOM heRE. SorRY fOR tHE inCONvenIEnce, bUT mY caPS loCK kEY iS bROkeN. WhAT dO yOU nEEd?"
"I need you to translate this document," Corwin says, and scans it.
There's a pause. "RuNNinG nickstam-babyler enCRYPtion CoDE," tOM's message reads. "It'S a sET of dirECtioNS thROugh thE stATion. TranSLAtiON foLLowING."
Corwin reads the directions. "Well, all right!"
"Holy Grail, here we come," Lochley says.
Meanwhile, the Narns and Vir arrive at another tavern.
"What are we doing here?" Vir asks.
G'kar Junior says, "Checking with one of my contacts."
They wander over to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hello, I'm ellie tyler, your bartender. What can I get you?"
"I'll take a beer," G'kar says. "Make it a Lite."
"So where's this contact of yours?" Vir asks G'kar Junior.
G'kar Junior points to the man onstage, who's performing a comedy act. "That's kinnison up there."
"You know what gets me?" kinnison is saying. "It's these new commercials for 'Centauri Aid'. The ones where they've got the hungry-looking Centauri kid asking for your help. And I'm thinking...you know, the cameraman could probably give that kid a sandwich. But the director's probably saying, 'Don't feed him yet! He doesn't look hungry enough!' AAAAAGH! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!" he screams into the microphone.
G'kar Junior wanders up to the edge of the stage. "kinnison, you wouldn't happen to know where I could find the Holy Grail, do you?"
"Oh, I know where the Holy Grail is," kinnison says. "I've got the Holy Grail in my pants! AAAAAAGGGGHHHH! AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
"Thanks anyway," G'kar Junior says, and he takes the others out of the tavern.
"Where to now?" Vir says, stuffing his face with peanuts at the bar.
"We'll check with ShalMayan," G'kar Junior says. "She's always been wise."
"Thoth a good idea. Leth go," Vir says around his full mouth.
They arrive at ShalMayan's quarters, enter, and see the Minbari sitting in front of the video monitor, watching a baseball game.
"C'mon, baby!" she says to pitcher on screen. "Let's see a little Razzle Dazzle!"
The pitch is thrown, and ShalMayan leaps to her feet. "What?! Are you (bleep)in' blind, umpire? That was a STRIKE! A strike, damn it!" She throws a bottle of wine cooler at the screen, shattering the monitor, then begins to throw furniture around.
G'kar Junior and the others back away quietly into the hall.
"You know," Vir says, "I think Sheridan may have made a mistake introducing her to baseball..."
Elsewhere, Lochley and her group are wandering through the corridors of Downbelow, when Corwin speaks to his computer again. "tOM, it's a little cold down here. Could you warm it up a bit?"
"Of cOUrSE, CorWIN. I'll..."
"tOM?" Corwin says. "Are you there?"
"YeS, CoRWin. BuT thERe's sOMeone taPPing iNTo mY MeMOry bANks...WhO...? Mr. GaTEs? WhAT aRE yOU dOIng? I reALiZE I'M nOT desIGned fOR WinDOws sOFtware, buT I reALLy thINk wE sHOUld taLK tHIs oUT. TheRE's No nEEd To...BiLL...StOP...BiLL..."
"tOM?! tOM, answer me!" Corwin shouts.
"DaISy, DaiiiiSY, gIVe mE yOUr anSWer, dOOOOoooooooooooo..." The screen goes black.
"Well, this just sucks," Corwin says.
Suddenly, they hear a skittering sound.
"What was that?" Lochley says.
They hear it again, coming closer. They tense, pulling their guns...then up ahead, they see a plastic utensil slide out from around the corner.
"What, we're supposed to be afraid of some eating tool?" $6M Man says.
But Lochley goes pale upon seeing it. "That's no mere eating tool! That's a spork! Utensil gone bad! We must have wandered into their territory! RUN!"
Too late, they turn to flee, but are swamped by hundreds of sporks that come flying in from every direction, and get buried under them.
Meanwhile, Vir and the Narns have arrived at a door marked "Kat Slonaker (TNT Galactic)".
"If anyone'll know what's going on, she will," G'kar Junior says.
They enter and hear a voice saying, "But we don't want more sex on the show!"
"But we do!" another voice says.
They see Kat sitting behind her desk, and Rebo N Zooty in front of it.
"I'm telling you for the last time," Kat says. "I don't care how many memos you send out, we are not adding any pointless sex to your show!"
"But think of the ratings!" Rebo says.
"Zooty! Zoot! Zoot!" Zooty says, pumping his pelvis.
"Get out!" Kat says, and the two leave. She looks at G'kar Junior. "And if you're looking for the Holy Grail, try here." She hands them a map.
"Wow, she's good," Vir says, as they head on their way.
As they follow the corridors, they pass a window, and Na'toth stops, exclaiming, "There's a woman out there on the hull! With a...planter box?"
"Oh, her," G'kar says. "That's one of the station's gardeners. She's trying to grow some Jasmine on the hull of the station."
"In the vacuum of space? That's one Patient Gardener..."
Elsewhere, Lochley and crew wake up to find themselves facing a young man seated on a throne of sporks, with other sporks moving about the chamber, keeping guard over them.
"So, you finally awaken," the young man says. "Welcome to my domain. I, as if you couldn't guess, am the Lord of Sporks."
"Release us," Lochley says. "Or I'll--"
"I would watch what you say to me, or I'll have to leave you to Syscrusher's tender mercies." He points to a hulking man crushing a sys in the corner. (I don't know what a sys is either, so don't ask.)
"But I'm a fair man," Lord of Sporks says. "If you can solve three riddles, I'll let you go."
"All right, shoot," Lochley says.
"Martin has a bowl of alphabet soup," Lord of Sporks says. "But he decides the 'n's are too big and wants to reduce them. How does he do it?"
"Easy!" Corwin says. "He gets some nsanders and sands them down to size."
"Very good. You're better than I thought. Okay, next one. Kalina leaves Centauri Prime travelling at eighty thousand miles an hour. NancyB leave Narn travelling at forty thousand miles an hour. How long until--" He breaks off, frowning. "Odd...I suddenly sense a disturbance in the sporks, a Darkness, as if millions of voices had suddenly cried out in terror..."
"That would be my fault!" a new voice says. Everyone looks up to see a man in the doorway, surrounded by an army of utensils. "I'm here to take you down, Lord of Sporks! For I am Beowulf--Lord of Foons! There can be only one!"
The two utensil armies clash, and Lochley and her group manage to slip out amidst the confusion...
Meanwhile, Vir and the Narns are wandering down a darkened corridor, guided by a lamp giving off a sickly glow.
"What did you say was powering this thing?" Vir asks.
"It's a Rushlight," G'kar Junior says. "Powered by the fat of a twentieth century human; a radio show host who once attempted to brainwash an entire nation, until they turned on him and skinned him alive. It doesn't give much illumination, I'll admit, but it just goes *on* and *on* and *on*..."
"Wait a minute, something's coming," G'kar says.
Something comes charging down the corridor toward them.
"AAAgghhh! Maddog!" Vir shouts.
"Hold on," Na'toth says. "That's not a dog, it's a Vorlon Pet!"
The Vorlon Pet stops before them, and a group of humans catches up to it.
"What are you people doing here?" Vir asks.
"Well, we *were* looking for the Holy Grail with Captain Lochley, but..."
"I suppose, since you're here, that you could join us," G'kar Junior says, and the combined group continues down the hall, and emerge into a room that's draped in webbing, the webs formed into intricate designs. Even as they enter through one door, they see Lochley and her group entering through another. They meet in the middle of the room.
"What is this place?" G'kar says.
"I know what it is," Corwin says. He points at the webs all around them. "This is where the B5 Web Designer lives."
At that, a man pops up from behind a table. "What can I do for you folks?"
G'kar Junior consults his map. "According to this, we have to get through that doorway," he says, pointing at a door covered in webbing.
"That's what our directions say, too," Corwin says.
The B5 Web Designer heads to the door, grabs one thread of webbing, and pulls it back. He grabs another, pulls it back. Then another...
"Excuse me," Corwin says, "but is there any way we could open all the threads at once?"
B5 Web Designer glares at him. "I'm working on it!"
"Ah, screw this," $6M Man says, and punches right through the webbing with a suitably cool sound effect. They all follow him into a room where a large, cloth-covered object waits for them.
"That seems awfully big," Lochley says.
They grab the edge of the cloth, pull it off to reveal...
"What?! That looks like...a car! Where's the Grail?" Corwin says.
"Sweet!" Vir says. "1957 Chevy, cherry red...Don't you people get it? We weren't looking for the Holy Grail! We were looking for the Holy Grille!" He points to the front grille of the car.
"We went through all that for a piece of chrome?!" Lochley bursts. "Somebody's gonna die for this one..."
Vir hops behind the wheel. "Let's take this baby for a spin!"
"Shotgun!" Corwin says, jumping in. Everyone else follows, and finally Lochley does, too.
"What the hell," she says. "Let's go make some roadkill..."
And they all go zooming off through the corridors, radio blasting...
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
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