Useless Ideas 121-124
Useless Idea #122: Pit Stop
G'kar and Lyta are flying through space in G'kar's ship.
"I'm telling you, we're lost," Lyta says.
"No, we're not," G'kar insists. "I know exactly where we are--the fringes of Vorlon space."
"Yeah, but WHERE on the fringes? We're lost, just admit it..."
"Nope, nope, nope," G'kar shakes his head.
"AND we're running low on fuel," Lyta says. "If we hadn't taken that little detour..."
"Oh, sure, blame everything on me!"
"YOU were the one who wanted to see the Minbari macarena championships," Lyta says. "A hundred Minbari doing the macarena..." She shudders. "I'm mentally scarred for life..."
"Yeah, well--" G'kar breaks off, looks at his readouts. "Hey, looks a station out here. We should be able to get refueled, no problem..."
Minutes later, they're approaching a small outpost. They dock, then exit their ship, looking around.
"Looks like a diner," Lyta says.
Suddenly a Vorlon, enters from another doorway, approaches them. His encounter suit has a plaid design, like flannel.
"How-do, neighbor!" he says. "Name's Jimmy Joe Bob Naranek! What brings you to these parts?"
"We...need fuel," G'kar says.
"And directions," Lyta adds, throwing a look at G'kar.
"Lost, and outta juice, eh? Hee-hee-heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Jimmy Joe Bob turns his head, and a glob of tobacco juice shoots out of the eyepiece. "We'll see what we can hook you up with. Hey, bro! Get out here and refuel their ship, will you, you lazy--"
Another Vorlon appears, also in a flannel-design encounter suit.
"Shut yo' mouth Jimmy Joe!" he says to Jimmy Joe Bob. He leans forward, peering at Lyta. "Hooooooooooooooooooooo doggie! But ain't you a purty one. Names Billy Bo Naranek. What say before I refuel your ship, you and I do a little refueling of our own! Eh? Eh?"
"Let's not," Lyta says.
"Well, la-dee-da!" Billy Bo says. "You saying I'm not good enough for you? Is that it?! You durn city folk and your hoity-toity..."
"That's enough of that, Billy Bo," Jimmy Joe says. He turns and spits some more tobacco. "You just go on and fix up their ship."
Billy Bo grumbles and wanders away.
"Sorry about that, folks," Jimmy Joe says. "He's not quite as sophisticated as I am." He spits again.
"Riiiiight," Lyta says. She turns to G'kar and mutters, "Do you know how to squeal like a pig, G'kar?"
"Excuse me?" G'kar asks.
Lyta shakes her head. "Never mind."
"Well," Jimmy Joe says. "While you're waiting, how about some food? Suzy May!"
Another Vorlon pops up from behind a counter, wearing a pink and white checkered encounter suit. "What'll it be folks?" she asks.
"What's, uh...on special today?" G'kar asks.
"Well, we've got your basic tribble grits, cajun spoo, and Billy Bo found some possum lurking around the station."
"Wow, possum..." Lyta says, rolling her eyes at G'kar.
"I think we'll pass on the food just now," G'kar says. "Thanks anyway."
"Suit yourself!" Suzy May walks off in a huff.
Jimmy Joe looks at them, his eyepiece going red. "Now why'd you have to go and hurt Suzy May's feelings like that? Huh? She's my sister/wife you know...and I'm just gonna have to demand some satisfaction."
"Oh, yeah," Lyta says. "Bunch of damn hillbilly Vorlons...Whoooo, I'm frightened."
"That's it!" Jimmy Joe turns toward another doorway. "It's feudin' time, people!"
Suddenly a dozen Vorlons in flannel-style encounter suits are crowding through the doorway, firing at Lyta and G'kar. A bunch of hound dogs are loosed as well, barking and snarling as they chase G'kar and Lyta.
"Oh, very smooth!" G'kar says, as he and Lyta run back toward their ship, dodging laser blasts.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lyta says. They make it to their ship, throwing Billy Bo out of the way, and zoom away from the station.
"At least the tank's full again," Lyta says, then scowls out the viewport. "Uh-oh..."
G'kar turns, and sees a fleet of broken-down Vorlon ships coming after them.
"Looks like the whole freakin' backwoods clan got riled up," Lyta says. "This should be fun."
G'kar increases his ship's speed, then scowls at Lyta. "If we live through this, remind me to shoot you..."
Useless Idea #123: Christmas Comes To B5
'Twas Christmas Eve upon B5
and things were rather quiet.
No shootouts, bombings or racial wars,
not even a minor riot.
Corwin worked the late shift
all alone in C&C,
when suddenly his boards lit up
just like a Christmas tree.
He called into his comlink,
"Paging Captain Lochley, sir!
Something strange is happening,
I think you will concur.
"So you must come up to ops right now;
I know you must be sleepy...
But whatever's going on out there
is really rather creepy!"
Lochley grumbled, then she dressed
and went up to Command,
and almost belted Corwin one,
but then she stayed her hand.
She read the jumpgate readouts
and she frowned in consternation.
"These readings are all wrong..."
Then something broke her concentration:
A bright flash flared up out in space--
the jumpgate opening!
But now its colors had been changed
to Christmas red and green!
Lochley scowled at the sight.
"What the krunk is THAT?
Hold it--something's coming through...
use the sensors, stat!"
Corwin read the scanners and he
cried out with good cheer.
"Why, Captain, it's a sleigh powered
by eight tiny reindeer!
"It looks like Santa's coming,
but how is it he survives
out there in the vaccuum?
Must be magic keeping him alive."
Indeed, Lochley could now see Santa
holding to the reins
while behind him sat his bag all filled
with toys and candy canes.
Lochley turned to Corwin.
"Power up the forward guns,
and target that sleigh now--
this year I'll REALLY have some fun!"
Corwin stared at Lochley, thinking
this must be some trick.
"Captain, are you joking?
You won't fire on St. Nick?"
"Why not?" she said. "Destruction's perfect
for one such as he.
Do you want to know what he did?
What he did to me?
"When I was just a little girl,
about, say, nine or ten,
I asked for 'Earthforce Barbie'
but got 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Ken'.
"Ever since, I've harbored hatred
for that red-clad guy.
Now, open fire! I want that fat boy
blown out of my sky!"
Corwin was reluctant,
but he did as he was told,
and laser beams lanced out
into the unforgiving cold.
But Santa was a wily one,
he dodged every last shot
and landed on the station's hull--
his piloting was hot!
Then Santa muttered to himself,
"This may be a mistake.
But since it's their last season,
I'll give these folks just one break."
He touched a finger to his nose,
but that just didn't work;
since there were no chimneys,
he couldn't use that little perk.
He reached into his bag and grabbed
a giant laser cutter.
It's glowing blade tore through the metal
like it was soft butter.
He dropped down through the hole
and thus gained access to the station;
and sealed the breach back up
without a trace of hesitation.
He then set off upon his quest
of spreading Christmas cheer.
His first intended stop would be
the quarters of Lennier!
Meanwhile, up in C&C,
Lochley grew frustrated.
"Alert security!" She'd get
this man she so much hated!
She also sent Starfuries out
to keep tabs on the sleigh.
She'd cut off all escape;
old St. Nick wouldn't get away!
Elsewhere, Santa found Lennier's room,
and he snuck right in,
and left the sleeping Ranger
an inflatable Delenn!
His next stop was to Michael
Garibaldi's little pad,
where he left some spiffy
Daffy Duck shot glasses for the lad.
He then dropped by G'kar's place,
and he left the randy Narn
some Barry White albums--
hey, it was either that or flarn!
Then Santa stepped back to the hall
and saw a wondrous sight:
a child! Yes, a child was out
wandering on this night.
Before Santa could rush forward
and give the kid a toy,
a gun poked 'round the corner
and shot down the little boy.
Santa shrugged. "Ah, well, you should
have know the risks, small guy.
Kids don't live upon this station;
now I guess you know just why."
He hurried on his way,
his boots clicking upon the floor,
and when he reached Londo's
he just went right in through the door.
Inside he found Londo and Vir,
both of them quite awake.
They stared at him in pure surprise;
that look they did not fake.
Then Londo smiled. "You must be this
St. Nick I've heard about.
Come in, come in! I didn't think
you'd come here on your route."
Santa smiled and then he gave
each one of them a box.
Londo opened his and found
a nice pair of wool socks.
Vir next opened his, and then
his eyes lit up with joy.
"Check it out, Londo! I got
a shiny new Gameboy!"
Vir soon left the place, engrossed
with his brand new possession.
Londo asked, "What now?"
wearing a curious expression.
"I'm really not prepared, Santa.
I'm new to this, you see.
I have no milk or cookies
but we could drink some brevari...?"
Half and hour later,
and several bottles gone,
Santa staggered to his feet
and started toward the john.
Just then, Zack burst into the room
(the door, you see, was open).
Santa saw him--and the guards he'd brought--
and shouted, "Razzafropin!"
No one could figure what he'd said,
the great big bearded lunk.
Then one guard finally got it and said,
"Hey, Santa's pissy drunk!"
Zack then aimed his gun and warned,
"Don't touch that bag of toys.
Or make any other sudden moves;
I'm wary of your ploys."
Santa was too blitzed to care--
he laughed at them outright!
And raised his fists before him.
He was spoiling for a fight!
While Londo snoozed upon the couch
and thus could do no harm,
one guard opened fire and shot
St. Nick right in the arm!
The next shot hit him in the leg,
and sent him to the floor;
and Zack had to restrain his guards
from shooting any more.
They hauled him down to Medlab
where Doc Franklin said, "Hey, guys.
Guess I'll clean up after you again--
now there's a big surprise."
As Franklin hauled St. Nick off
to begin the repair work,
Lochley got the call from Zack and crowed,
"They got the fat old jerk!"
Then she got another call from
just outside the station:
a Starfury pilot reporting
on his situation.
"Captain, this is Zeta One.
Something's taking place!
The reindeer have slipped from their reins,
and risen into space!
"They're looking rather teed off;
they all seem to wear a frown...
Holy krunk! Captain! Captain!
Zeta Four is down!
"The reindeer are attacking!
Who knew they could be so quick?!
OH MY GOD--!!!" he screamed, and then
his call dissolved into static.
Lochley scowled. "The reindeer must know
that we have their master.
Launch every ship we've got, Corwin!
Faster, faster, faster!"
While Cobra Bays disgorged their ships
to fight the reindeer raid...
down in Medlab, Franklin finished up
with old St. Nick's first aid.
Santa woke up then and looked
around him blearily.
"Where the hell am I? Oh, yes.
It's Medlab. Yes, I see."
He saw nearby a group of guards
all standing near his sack.
Their faces stern, their guns all drawn,
expecting some attack.
Santa turned to Franklin, said,
"I've got a gift for you.
You've been a good boy, Stephen.
Yes, a good boy, through and through."
He touched a hand to Franklin's head.
"You are no longer rabble.
I give to you the greatest gift:
the gift of technobabble!"
Franklin felt no different
and his skepticism showed.
"Go on, try it!" Santa urged.
"Let the babble flow!"
Franklin touched his comlink, saying,
"This is no transmitter.
It's now an...interstitial
quantum tachyon emitter!
"And over there," he smiled,
"is not a simple generator.
It's actually...an inverse
subspace ion fibrillator!"
Just then, the guards all clutched their heads
and crumpled to the floor.
Then moments later Lyta walked in
through the open door.
"Time to get you out of here,"
she said to old St. Nick.
"Grab your toys and finish up.
You'd best be leaving quick."
"Why thank you, Lyta," Santa said.
"I heartily concur."
And he reached into his bag
and gave a special gift to her.
"No toys this time," he said,
"I used a little common sense.
It's Prozac! 'Cause you've
lately seemed so very, very tense.
And then across the Medlab
Santa took a little stroll
and stopped before a cryo tube--
the one marked Marcus Cole.
"It seems your love Ivanova
is nowhere on the station.
It seems I must have missed her, eh?
I guess she's on vacation.
"I was planning to heal you up;
I think that would have pleased her.
But since she's gone, alas, my friend,
you're staying in the freezer."
Then Santa ran out to the hall
as quickly as you please.
He still had lots of toys to leave
under the Christmas trees.
At Corwin's empty place he left
a "Stress Bat" for the lad.
At Zack's he left a taxi license--
hey, that's not too bad!
At Lochley's place, he thought a moment
then cut her some slack.
He left a contract for "Crusade"--
that'd get her off his back!
From room to room he roamed
across the station's whole five miles;
when Christmas morning came,
there'd be so many, many smiles.
His last stop was the room
of the Alliance President.
As quietly as you please
into the room he swiftly went.
Inside he found John and Delenn
both waiting up for him.
They had their stockings hung with care,
and had the lights down dim.
"Well, Santa," John said, "it sure looks
like you have won the day.
And to be completely honest,
I'd prefer it just this way."
"Thank you," Santa said, "and
here's a present just for you.
It's 'Just For Men' hair dye--
it's for the beard and mustache, too!
"And you, Delenn, I thought
of giving you so many things.
But finally chose to give you
these Minbari 'magic' rings."
Delenn was filled with giddy glee,
and didn't try to hide it.
"Thank you, Santa! Thank you!
I haven't seen these since the pilot!"
Santa smiled at both of them
and went upon his way,
back through the station to the place
where he had left his sleigh.
Once again, he cut the hull
and stepped back into space,
closed the hull back up
and ran a hand across his face.
"Well, it's done," he said,
and then looked 'round him in surprise.
All around him floated ship parts--
everywhere he turned his eyes!
He whistled to his reindeer,
who all flew down nice and neat,
hooked them to the reins and jumped
right up into his seat.
He lifted off and headed for
the red and green jumpgate.
While up in C&C, Lochley still
burned with bitter hate.
"This round, it goes to you, old man,"
she said with quite a sneer.
"But next time, triumph will be mine!
I'll beat you good next year!"
No else saw Santa leave,
save Corwin and Lochley--
who watched him fly away
through glowing Starfury debris.
Then Santa reached the jumpgate,
but just as he slipped from sight
he boomed, "Merry Christmas, all!
And to all of you, good night!"
Useless Idea #124: Ship Stealing
Sheridan and company arrive at the shipyards to steal the Excalibur and Victory. Aboard the Excalibur's bridge, Sheridan punches in the command to fire the weapons, thus breaking them free from the spacedock. As he makes his way to the captain's chair, a group of people enters the bridge. Sheridan frowns at them.
"Uh, excuse me, but just who are you people?"
The leader of the group answers, "I'm…James T. Kirk. And this is…my crew. We're here to steal this vessel…for a mission of…utmost importance."
Sheridan scowls. "Never heard of you, pal. I'm John Sheridan, President of the Alliance, and WE'RE stealing this ship. But what's this important mission of yours?"
Kirk points to one of his men. "This man is Dr. McCoy. Inside his mind he's…carrying the essence of another of my crewmembers, Spock. We…have to take this ship to the Genesis planet, then to Vulcan…so that the two halves can…be reunited."
"Oh?" Sheridan says. "Is this Spock person a Vorlon? 'Cause I had part of a Vorlon inside MY head for awhile, there…"
Just then, another man comes onto the bridge, saying to Kirk, "Keptin, the wessel seems to be operating within normal-" He breaks off when he sees Sheridan, his eyes going wide.
"BESTER?!" Sheridan exclaims. "What's going on?"
"Uh…I mean…the Corps is mother, the Corps is father!" Bester says.
"Chekov," Kirk says. "What are you talking about? What Corps?"
Bester looks frantically back and forth between Kirk and Sheridan. "The…the…photon torpedoes are mother…firing the Corps, Keptin…I…" His eyes roll upward and he faints dead away.
McCoy goes to him, examines him, then looks back at Kirk. "Jim, he's suffering from some kind of cross-franchise conflict. I've never seen the like…"
"Just great!" Kirk says. "Now I have to heal two crewmembers! Sorry, but the Enterprise is…under my command now, Sheridan. Your mission…will have to wait."
Sheridan shakes his head. "Sorry, but this ISN'T the Enterprise, Kirk. This is the Excalibur."
Kirk scowls, looks to a heavyset man with him. "Scotty, you…told me the Enterprise was berthed here!"
"Hey, it was an easy mistake! Enterprise…Excalibur…they both start with 'E', right? What's the big deal?"
Kirk sighs, shakes his head. "My apologies, Sheridan. We'll…find another vessel to steal. Good luck to you. Let's go, people…"
Kirk and company start to leave, carrying the unconscious form of Chekov with them. As they go, Sheridan sees Kirk lean over toward Scotty, and hears him mutter, "If we've got the wrong ship, Scotty…are you sure it was the Excelsior that you sabotaged, so that we wouldn't be captured?"
Meanwhile, back on Babylon 5, Corwin turns to Lochley. "Uh, Captain…we seem to be losing power on all levels…and the reactor core seems to be building up to detonation…"
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
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