...a convenient handle to get me out of bed in the morning.
...the tie-breaking vote when my brain and my heart just can't decide on the next dating move.
...occasionally cute and cuddly, especially right after.
...an excellant source of flexible dry heat, very good for chest colds.
...friends to more people that I am, somehow.
...a handy impromptu washcloth hook.
...a magic toy that doesn't need batteries or nuthin.
...a fun way to flip M&M's into my mouth when I'm in bed and bored.
...capable of cracking walnuts after a few weeks of forced inactivity.
...an impressive-sounding 152400 microns.
...known to curl up and flee within my body at the first sign of danger, such as angry bikers or really cold pools.
...just like my best friend--shows up when I don't want him to, doesn't show up when I want him to, and seems to like really strange woman.
...an obvious target for hurled onion rings.
...just the right size to wear G. I. Joe's helmet.
...the bane of my wife's 3 a.m. existance.
...a sturdy prop for reading in the tub.
...entirely the wrong thing to present in court. Who knew?
...useful for keeping my front pockets apart.
...always there for me.
...gifted with the ability to change my mood, attitude, and intelligence level with just a twitch.
...gradually being trained to respond to simple voice commands, such as "are you awake?" and "thanks for shopping with me. Now what do you want to do?"
...the exact color of latte, with cream.
...a manly 1.524e+09 angstroms.
...completely confused by y-front shorts.
...entirely capable of meeting, wooing, and seducing a woman before my brain realizes what's going on and why we're all headed to the parking lot.
...well-trained and respondent to my touch, like a show dog.
...ultimately in charge of the TV remote.
...perfect for scooping out the lint trap.
...the outward manifestation of my testoserone-laced, whipcord-muscled, utter machismo-drenched manhood, out in the open for all to see and admire.
...not all the things those kids at the bus stop were expecting.
...better when shared, just like love and french fries.
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