THE END... by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 12/15/01 10:19 pm Msg: 515 of 525
...But stay tuned for the hilarious BLOOPERS and OUT TAKES to make your holiday all the more cheerful.
Bloopers! Out-Takes! by: Der_Vatcher (48/M/Brooklyn, NY) 12/19/01 07:18 pm Msg: 517 of 525
All on the new DVD version of this controversial and hilarious mega-horror-comedy-satire epic! Stay tuned! It's your Christmas present!
Mickey Spillguts's Out-Take. by: Mickey_Spillguts (47/M/New York, NY) 12/22/01 12:54 am Msg: 518 of 525
Yeah, well I said early on that I wanted to get in on the action, and I did when Sherlock and Watson, and then Conan failed to send the giant viper to Hell. So I got involved...
=======================================
Mickey Spillguts whips out his trademark Colt .45 automatic and points it at where he thinks the creature's heart is.
You've had it now, punk! You think you can just crawl all over Brooklyn and spread your powdered poison? Eat lead, you snake!
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM...
=============================
Well, the director said I got too carried away with my old-fashioned Hollywood "never-reload gat", so snipped my part, including when I encourage Conan to make sushi out of Holmes and Watson, the closet cases. Tough break for me, I know, but at least I was there, and the director even forgave me for clobbering him at the wrap party. After all, I the jury and the stuff that dreams are made of. And my gun is quick. Got that?
"SCCGB" Action Figures TV Commercial. by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 12/25/01 06:09 am Msg: 519 of 525
Naturally, a film with the epic sweep of "Storm of the Century Comes to Gerritsen Beach" which features exciting characters and terrifying monsters lends itself perfectly to merchandising to young fans of the film. Here is the TV commercial for the line of action figures derived from the movie:
=================================
NARRATOR: With Christmas here, it's especially important to protect the home front from the horrors of Hell!
Group of pre-teen boys enthusiastically playing with action figures.
NARRATOR: The storm is here. The forces of evil have come with it.
KID #1: Pushing a large viper towards the other action figures. He presses a button on its side, and a puff of powder emits from its mouth. Raaargh! Beware, defenders of Good! I will zombify you!
KID #2: Holding out a Salty Sam figure: Not so fast, dragon-breath! Here's a present for you! Pushes a button on the toy's back, causing the arm to fling a bottle of blue pills into the viper's mouth.
KID #1: Curses! Foiled again!
KID #2: Placing the Salty Sam figure next to the First Twins figures: Hi, ladies. Are you the Olsen twins?
NARRATOR: Each figure has a mobilizer button to add to the realistic fun! And the well-known watering hole storage box opens into a huge play area to fight the deadly zombies. Action figures sold seperately. Storage box contains no action figures. Get them today!
==============================
If you're wondering why you've never seen this commercial, or why your kids aren't bugging you for these toys, it's because the film was rated NC-17 due to extreme graphic violence, remember? Can't pitch to the pre-teen crowd for stuff taken from a film they aren't supposed to see until they'e in mid-puberty, and by then they'll be interested in things other than plastic action figures-- unless they're retards, that is. (But if any parents are letting their under-17 kids enjoy this DVD-- more power to you!)
Re: SCCGB Action Figures TV Commercial. by: senator_upchuck_schmucker (50/M/Brooklyn, NY) 12/27/01 11:32 am Msg: 520 of 525
If any of you parents allow your children under 17 to view this NC-17-rated DVD, or if you buy them any action figures or toy guns, I will personally send a squad of social workers to your house to verify emotional and developmental child abuse (a mere formality), and have your kids taken away to a safe, government-funded place where they can watch Teletubbies and Barney all day, play with Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls, and learn the joys of cross-dressing to indulge in their fantasies.
Avast! Join Me Fan Club! by: salty_sam_alive (30/M/Brooklyn, NY) 12/29/01 09:55 am Msg: 521 of 525
Argh! I be the most popular character in this epic, so it be right that I have me own fan club for all ye devoted folks out there who can't get enough of ol' Salty Sam. For $29.95, ye'll get this treasure chest of goodies!
*A membership card with me handsome image in 3-D holo smilin' away at ye!
*A membership certificate personally signed by yours truly!
*A limited-issue Salty Sam pewter figurine depicting me tanglin' with a nasty zombie!
*A pair of OFFICIAL Salty Sam brain slippers.
*My monthly newsletter, Bilgewater.
*A voter registration form so that ye can sign up to vote as a member of the Republican party, just like yer ol' pal, Salty Sam.
Do it today! Use the enclosed coupon in the DVD package and soon ye'll be ready to sail the Seven Seas with Salty Sam! Ahoy!
Deleted Scene: The Sad Lot of Mr. Tee by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 12/31/01 09:00 am Msg: 522 of 525
In case you were wondering how the--ahem-- evacuation material left behind by the giant viper was taken care of, this scene, deleted due to the film's length, explains all.
==========================================
Mr. Tee looks at the tremendous piles of viper poop.
Oh, woe is me. I'm paid more than cops, firemen, and teachers, and even that does not compensate for this task I must doo-doo.
Wheels his DSNY waste barrel to where the piles of poop begin. He takes a deep whiff of the surrounding air.
Gack! Mine still smells sweeter.
Begins the tedious clean-up task, then pauses to watch the giant viper plop another one.
Alas! I wish I could be a teacher. Looks at the camera. Never underestimate the value of a good education, folks!
Returns to his clean-up task, sadly oblivious to the chance he missed to make an allusion to the labors of Hercules and sound really cool.
Gack! Alas! Woe!
====================================
Well, as the great scholar and teacher Joseph Campbell said: "Follow your bliss." Apparently, Mr. Tee is condemned to follow his nose.
Deleted Scenes: An Ironic Fate, part 1. by: eric_sun_UV_mammon (97/M/Mammon) 01/03/02 11:30 am Msg: 523 of 525
In the interest of time, my final comeuppance was also excised. But instead of being lost on the cutting room floor, herewith in its entirety are the just desserts I so richly deserved:
===================================
After being bitten by the rabid rat, eric_sun_UV_mammon hastily goes to the pharmacy and purchases the Official Gerritsen Beach Rabid Rat Bite First-Aid Kit, which contains a set of hypodermic needles filled with the antibiotics necessary to reverse the rabies in his system. He yanks up his shirt, jabs the needle marked "Day 1" into his stomach, and howls in agony. When he overcomes the pain, he realizes that Dee Manz is now a giant venom spewing viper, and, seeing Andre Linoge 2K1 nearby, angrily denounces him.
You asshole!
Andre Linoge, busy enjoying the havoc he hath wrought upon Gerritsen Beach, barely casts a sideways glance at eric_sun_UV_mammon. Linoge twitches a pinky, and suddenly eric_sun_UV_mammon's face begins to itch, twitch, and bloat. Mammon fearfully casts a glance into the mirror on the penny-scale in the pharmacy, and is horrified to see the grim, mustached visage of Josef Stalin staring back at him. In a disoriented panic, Mammon blindly runs past a snickering Linoge and dashes across Gerritsen Avenue to what he hopes will be the safe haven of the wooded parkland where he can hide out and use his cell phone to call a good plastic surgeon. But another individual resides in those dark thickets, and he calls this terrain "home"...
Deleted Scenes: An Ironic Fate, part 2. by: eric_sun_UV_mammon (97/M/Mammon) 01/07/02 04:51 pm Msg: 524 of 525
eric_sun_UV_mammon discovers that his cell phone's batteries are too low to make a call, and in disgust, puts it back in his pocket. He hears the brush rustle behind him, and spins around. To his surprise and confusion, there stands RAMBO, super-soldier supreme and heroic Vietnam vet, armed to the max. Rambo glares furiously at Mammon.
RAMBO: Yo! Josef Stalin! Vile Communist dictator, the worst of the worst! At last we meet!
Mammon is horrified, and attempts to explain:
N-no! I'm eric_sun_UV_mammon! I look like Stalin because that evil wizard cast a spell on me. I'm really a devout Capitalist! See? Here's my god!
Pulls out a wad of bills, but instead of them being $100 American, they are 100 ruble notes, having been transformed along with Mammon's face.
Oh, shit!
Rambo laughs.
RAMBO: Ha! Those aren't worth the paper they're printed on! Switches the safety off his M-16 automatic rifle. Prepare to meet the Big Red One in Hell, Comrade Scumsucker!
Mammon breaks into a speedy run he thought himself incapable of after turning 50. Full-metal-jacketed bullets whiz past him as he heads in the direction he hopes will offer sanctuary-- the athletic field, where the junior soccer league is competing in full tilt. Just as Mammon breaks from the clearing, the coaches blow their whistles to stop the playing. One of them announces: "Okay, a break in the game, boys. Time for Gameboys." Immediately, all the kids sit down in the field, and, oblivious to the huge viper slithering along Gerritsen Avenue, take out their pocket Gameboys and slip into a semi-trance as they maneuver Super Mario Bros., Sonic the Hedgehog, or whatever, through thrills and dangers. Just then Mammon dashes onto the athletic field, screaming for help....
Deleted Scenes: An Ironic Fate, part 3. by: eric_sun_UV_mammon (97/M/Mammon) 01/15/02 07:30 pm Msg: 525 of 525
The soccer kids, immersed in their Gameboys, pay no heed to the distraught eric_sun_UV_mammon, whose magically-altered face now that of Josef Stalin has set a rampaging Rambo after him. However, the two coaches with a hidden difference, Eban and Charlie, do take notice.
EBAN: What's this guy's problem?
CHARLIE: Oh, he's just upset because that beautifully-muscled, well-oiled ex-Green Beret is trying to take him out with an M-16.
EBAN: Well, protocol for a proper liason is definitely being trampled on here. And that guy running for his life does look familiar.
CHARLIE: Oh, my God, it's Josef Stalin!
Rambo shouts a warning:
RAMBO: Yo! Get those kids outta here! It's Josef Stalin! He'll create a famine to starve them, then send the survivors to be the personal love slaves of his buddy, Chairman Mao!
EBAN: Uh-oh. Get up kids. Get up and run. Charlie, try and get Mao's address! The still-game-mesmerized kids look at eric_sun_UV_mammon. However, their Gameboy-possessed minds don't see Stalin:
KID #1: Hey, look! It's Super Mario!
All the kids direct their Gameboys at Mammon. Mammon suddenly freezes and is surrounded by floating brick cubes. He begins to bounce high enough to hit them solidly with his noggin, shattering them.
Hey!~^~ Yeow!~^~ Knock~^~ it~^~ off!~^~ I'm~^~ not~^~ Stalin~^~ or~^~ Super-- mmmpff!
A bouncing red star which popped from one of the shattered brick cubes bounces into his mouth. Suddenly, Mammon is running at super-speed, and, to his delight despite the situation at hand, manages to grab over a dozen gold coins which are floating along his path. His speed is enough to put a relatively safe distance between him, Rambo, and the Gameboy-wielding Soccer kids. When the effects of the red star wear off, he finds himself on a dirt path hidden within the weeded fields. There is a thousand-dollar bill lying there. He eagerly grabs it, sees another a few yards away, and goes for that one. Then there is another, and another, until he finds a huge layer of thousand-dollar bills lying there for the plucking. He joyfully runs to this green carpet of wealth, and jumps right into the middle, only to sink up to his waist in a quicksand-like pit of grand notes....
Deleted Scenes: An Ironic Fate, part 4. by: eric_sun_UV_mammon (97/M/Mammon) 01/21/02 02:51 pm Msg: 529 of 529
eric_sun_UV_mammon sinks up to his chest in the quicksand of $1000 bills. He hears the shouts of Rambo and the Gameboy-wielding soccer kids growing louder, and realizes he may well be doomed. Suddenly, an intense beam of golden light surrounds him, and he is drawn out of the pit of $1000 notes towards a golden flying saucer. The golden tractor beam pulls him into a golden hatch at the bottom, and Mammon finds himself in an amazing vehicle made entirely of gold. A golden door opens, and in comes Blemblewex, Captain of this interstellar vessel, dressed in a splendid golden uniform. He looks like the standard grey BEA (BUG-EYED-ALIEN), only bear-sized, and easily picks Mammon up by the collar. Blemblewex shakes Mammon like a doll.
BLEMBLEWEX: Idiot Earth creature! Do you know how easy your kind is to catch with these green notes? And just whose portrait graces the thousand denomination?
Mammon swallows, but still feels indignant at such a question.
Why, Grover Cleveland, of course!
Right! But you, being blinded to the green from the zeros, such a zero be you, do not see this!
Holds out one of the thousand-dollar bills that floated in with Mammon. Mammon's jaw drops when he sees the portrait.
K-Karl Marx?!
BLEMBLEWEX: Yeah. It's a phoney. And now it's time to go to my planet where you'll be an exhibit in our interplanetary zoo. You'll be kept in a golden cage on a world that has more gold than Earth has aluminum, and is therefore equally valueless. But first-- the unneccesary but obligatory and extremely excruciating anal probe!
A door opens and Mammon screams as the powerful alien drags him towards a gold device resembling a dentist's drill, only ten times larger. Cut to exterior shout of the golden saucer as it zooms away from the Earth.
=============================================
Well, that's it. Too much side story detracts from the main plot, and so it was snipped.
He farts, which comes out with a "whoosh" rather than a rasberry sound.
Heh-heh. Our special effects man did get a bit carried away striving for authenticity.
Commentary: An Ironic Fate. by: satans_whore_2k1 (666/F/The Fiery Abyss) 01/23/02 10:20 am Msg: 530 of 550
Whoa-ho, what a story! Hooboy, I'll bet if the probe slipped, the aliens would've torn eric_sun_UV_mammon a second one, eh? Hey, did they strike oil while they were drilling? But I suppose any black stuff shooting out of there wouldn't exactly have been "black gold," y'know! Whiff on that, horror devotees! Well, let's have more wholesome entertainment like this! On with the DVD extras!...
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.1 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/02/02 01:09 am Msg: 534 of 550
Well, when Gerritsen Beach was sent off to Mars, things went all woogity-woo with the time continuum which the neighborhood had so abruptly vacated. This scene was snipped because of the film's running time, but like our previous entry, it's a story unto itself...
=============================================
Crooked landlord Big Joe Gypetto and his son Little Joe Gypetto are having a quiet bonding moment fishing along the strip of sandy beach deep in the weeded portion of the back area of Gerritsen Beach. The setting is serene, the water crystal blue, marred only by the oil cans, wooden boat wreckage, and dead fish floating by. The two cast away, and enjoy the day.
LITTLE JOE: Duh, hey dad, it's really cool the way you made that tenant with the retardo son get rid of the family cat!
BIG JOE: I'm a war veteran and over sixty-five years old, son. I can do whatever I want, no matter how many violations are recorded against me. Duh.
At that moment, the sound of a huge chunk of earth ripping away from the planet and soaring off into space disrupts this tranquil moment.
LITTLE JOE: Duh, what was that?
BIG JOE: I don't know. Let's check it out. Duh.
They gather their fishing equipment, and follow the trail back to where the SUV had been parked on Gerritsen Avenue. To their dismay, the SUV is gone. To their amazement, Gerritsen Beach is... changed....
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.2 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/08/02 12:08 am Msg: 535 of 550
Big Joe and Little Joe Gypetto are astonished at the scene before them.
LITTLE JOE: Duh, Gerritsen Beach is different! All the houses are covered with carpet, and there are huge bells with balls all over the place. And every yard is nothin but... sand!
BIG JOE: You mean "balls with bells in them," son. And yeah, there is nothing but sand in the yards. Piles and piles of sand! Sand that smells... phew! Duh.
At that moment, a group of people dressed in rags run up to them.
HUMAN #1: Run, fools! The masters are on the prowl!
HUMAN #2: Dash away-- but go not near the 'nip crop! Tis death to tread there!
At that moment, a group of uniformed figures, heads hidden by helmets, pop out of the wooded area and run with a strange yet curiously familiar gait towards the humans with amazing speed. They carry nets and guns. Big Joe and Little Joe take off for the safety of what appears to be the weeded fields. Another group of uniform-clad figures jump from those weeds, and are apparently intoxicated with more than just the hunt. They speed towards Big Joe and Little Joe, sweep them swiftly and neatly into the nets while emitting loud hissing sounds that terrify the two Gypettos. One of the hunters pulls off his helmet, revealing-- the head of a human-sized cuddly-wuddly PUSSYCAT! Big Joe and Little Joe are horrified and nauseated. They hate pussycats, being the arrogant schmucks that they are in any reality.
LITTLE JOE: Duh, aiee! Scat, you f--cker. Take your stinky ass away from me, yuh damned dirty cat!
BIG JOE: Yeah, and don't you spray around here, you filthy creature. Damn you all to Hell!
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.3 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/13/02 05:23 pm Msg: 538 of 550
BIG JOE:...Duh!
More human-size cuddly-wuddly pussycats arrive, some dragging human prey in nets. A mean-looking grey tabby is threatening to spill a vile, black liquid on one of the people.
GREY TABBY: Want this smeared all over you, eh? Do to you what one of you hairless bastards did to my great-great-great-great grandpappy, yes? Poke yer eyes out while I'm at it, shouldn't I? Make you drink a cool glass of anti-freeze right down, right?
An orange tabby, the apparent leader, speaks:
ORANGE TABBY: Enough, Grey! The sins of their ancestors will not be a factor in their punishments. They're guilty of being human things, and their punishments for that crime alone will be swift and merciful!
LITTLE JOE: Duh, hey, ain't none of youse furballs are gonna punish me! Whaddya gonna do-- bat me around like a mouse til my heart gives out? Haw!
A black & white tuxedo cat casually slashes out with a single claw, and Little Joe's pants drop, revealing a sudden and deftly-administered circumcision.
TUXEDO CAT: Sorry. Your nasty mouth made me bris--tle. Meow! Usually, though, I prefer to play "Bat the Balls." (Extends all the razor-sharp claws on one paw.) Want to play, human thing? I can fix you up, no problem!
LITTLE JOE: Duh, I'll be quiet!
Scene Fix: Fishing the Future, pt.4 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/14/02 09:46 pm Msg: 544 of 550
The human prisoners are swiftly taken to a holding pen built along the beach area. Big Joe and Little Joe are thrust roughly inside, where a strange-looking man wearing a jaunty fedora greets them. Despite the situation, he manages to exude a certain swaggering confidence and cockiness:
XOXO-ONO: Hi, everybody! Y'know, when I was a tank commander in the war that mattered, I used to run down gooks and pretend they were cats, but now the cats have the tanks.
Takes a whiff of something in a bag attached to a breathing mask.
I love the smell of Agent Orange in the morning. It smells like-- Cocoa Puffs! And I'm kookoo for Cocoa Puffs! Eeeyaahoo! Somebody sing "Little Crown that Cried", willya? Say, I want to help all the Beach people here who are oppressed by the pussy brigade, so I'm ready to lend an ear and nod my head in sympathy. There's not a whole lot I can do, but I'll listen and lay down some inspiring trivia about much ado about something long past, and you will feel inspired, yessiree!
BIG JOE: Can you fill us in on how this whole thing with the cats taken control started, duh?
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.5 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/16/02 12:38 am Msg: 546 of 550
Xoxo-Ono relates the story of the cuddly-wuddly pussycat conquest:
XOXO-ONO: Well, shortly after the day when the giant viper and flesh-eating zombies attacked Gerritsen Beach, which went to Mars and back, and then Beach was saved by the living wooden puppet-man, a cat was cloned in Texas. Well, here in the Beach there was a small cult of people who took pleasure in hurting and killing cats, so samples of the victim cats' DNA was sent to the lab, where the cats were brought back to life then returned to the Beach to a mysterious reclusive genius who fed the resurrected kitties a strange diet of ground-up zombie bodies meant to be used as shark chum. These selected cats grew in size and intelligence, and, by using their status as crime victims, managed to secure pistol permits, whereupon they found it a simple matter to conquer Gerritsen Beach. Their offspring also had exceptional intelligence and psychic ability as well, so they were able to find all the people who were tormenting and killing cats. These people were tried, found guilty, and summarily shredded into bloody ribbons. After that, the Beach was divided into two sections-- the cat and cat-lovers side, and the cat-haters side. Because of the ultra-cats' psychic ability, no cat-hater escapes. All are destined to die. The cat-haters tried to get justice in the courts, but unfortunately, the Tamminy Hall-style corruption by the Democrats in Brooklyn had come to an end around the same time, and the state Republicans who took over to clean things up were notorious cat-lovers. And everyone was too pissed off about the Borough President's fiasco over the portrait of Washington to even notice the problems of Gerritsen Beach. Well, it's 300 years later, and the world is ruled by cats and cat-lovers.
Big Joe and Little Joe look at each other.
LITLE JOE: Duh, can anyone tell us how the cats took over here?
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.6 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/21/02 10:07 pm Msg: 549 of 550
A human thing steps in to defend Xoxo-Ono's history of the pussy cat conquest:
HUMAN THING #1: Xoxo-Ono speaks truth, stranger. Here is a picture of the reclusive genius who unleashed kitty power upon an unsuspecting world, leaving cat-hating humans to fend for themselves in the wild areas.
Hands a yellowed photo to Little Joe.
LITTLE JOE: Duh, holy shit! Dad, this is that retardo guy you made to get rid of his cat!
BIG JOE: Oh NO! Duh!
HUMAN THING #1: What? Ye be the cursed one who inspired the brilliant one to unleash his rage upon the earth?
BIG JOE: The guy was a retard! He was like an overgrown kid! Duh!
HUMAN THING #1: He was merely eccentric, you dolt! His love of comic books and science fiction and reading anything he could were obvious signs of brilliance! What, because the guy was adept with his brains rather than his hands makes him retarded? You're the retard! Thanks a lot, schmuck. It's people like you who make lives miserable for others! Do you know how the history books describe you? How about "greedy self-serving crooked bastard who hid behind his 'victim' status during the reign of Liberal tyranny in the Clinton era because he was too much of a PUSSY to admit he was an ignoramus who bullied and harassed his tenants, manipulated moronic local politicians, had inefficient building upkeep, and illegally raised rents without proper notice" for starters?
BIG JOE: Oh, I wasn't that bad. Duh.
HUMAN THING #1: Oh no? What about that famous photo of a hole in the floor right next to a radiator in the foyer of one of your $750 per month "bargain" apartments? And with a size 11 sneaker to provide perspective right next to the hole, no less!
BIG JOE: Well, I-- that is... DUH!
The guard cats, overhearing who the new prisoner is, excitedly go to find the Orange Tabby...
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt7. by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 02/23/02 12:53 am Msg: 552 of 552
The Orange Tabby returns with a large contingent of guards. He stares at Big Joe.
ORANGE TABBY: It is you! Responsible for the termination of Clonecat the Blessed! Returned to this enlightened era by whatever quirk of fate to atone for your crimes! Take him and his loutish spawn to the Arena of Justice! Let them be tried before cats and cat lovers alike!
The guards, all jet-black cats, grab Big Joe and Little Joe, bind their arms and drag them from the holding pen to a panel truck, which speeds them to the Arena of Justice, located in the spot where the well-known watering hole once stood two centuries before. The truck comes to a halt, and Big Joe and Little Joe are hustled into the arena, where they are tied to posts in the center of the field. The Orange Tabby takes a box seat in the front row, as cats, and well-dressed and obviously very happy human companions, rapidly fill the hundreds of seats. One cat, a splendid Persian clad in a magnificent blue robe covered with mysterious symbols, and followed by two obsequious Siamese Orientals wearing red robes, walk to an altar near Big Joe and Little Joe. He picks up a microphone with an immaculate, well-groomed paw, and in a strong voice, speaks to the cheering crowd:
PERSIAN: Let all cats recite the law! What is the law?
CATS: To walk on all fours. That is the law. Are we not cats?
PERSIAN: And what is the law?
CATS: To only spill the blood of cat-haters. That is the law. Are we not cats?
PERSIAN: And what is the law?
CATS: Not to eat the meat of any human, for that would taint our purr-fection. That is the law. Are we not cats?
The Persian nods. A human, dressed in a blue robe like the Persian, and also with two servile assistants, joins the Law-Giver cats, and takes the microphone:
LAW-GIVER HUMAN: Let all humans recite the oath of allegiance to cats. (Gives a sneer to Big Joe and Little Joe.) Except for the vile cat-hateing scum whom will have proper justice meted out to them today, of course! Everyone recite:
HUMANS: We love cats!
Cats are good! Cats are nice!
Cats are cute and cuddly spice!
Say it twice!
Cuddly Nice!
Say it thrice!
Cats are cute and cuddly spice!
We love cats! Snuggly-huggly cats!
The crowd roars with a mix of cheers and purrs. At this point, a human followed by a huge entourage of humans and cats, and dressed in a hooded robe more magnificent than anything else worn in the arena, sits beside the Orange Tabby, who offers his head to be lovingly scratched by the human. The Orange Tabby purrs and rubs his head against the robed human's hand. Then the arena falls quiet as the capacity crowd of cat-loving humans and cuddly-wuddly pussy cats direct their focus on the profusely sweating Big Joe and Little Joe. The human with the Orange Tabby stands and pulls back his hood. Big Joe and Little Joe scream simultaneously when they see who it is:
BIG JOE AND LITTLE JOE: OH NO! IT'S THE RETARDO!
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.8 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 03/03/02 01:52 am Msg: 558 of 558
The Law-Sayer Persian makes an announcement:
PERSIAN: Before we proceed to the main event, the case of Big Blackie must be tried!
Big Blackie, a pure jet-black cat, enters the arena and stands before the Persian.
BIG BLACKIE: I throw myself upon your mercies.
PERSIAN: You stand accused of eating the meat of a cat-hating human. Why?
BIG BLACKIE: I got carried away. I had missed breakfast that morning.
PERSIAN: Ah, I see. And were you tainted by the meat?
BIG BLACKIE: Nah. I wharfed it up along with a hairball a couple of minutes later.
PERSIAN: How does the crowd find the defendant?
CATS & HUMANS: NOT GUILTY!!!!
PERSIAN: You are free to go in peace.
Big Blackie bows and leaves.
PERSIAN: Bring in the attorney for the Gypettos.
Big Joe and Little Joe are again horrified when they see that their counsel for the trial is Xoxo-Ono.
BIG & LITTLE JOE: OH-NO! IT'S THE FREAKO!
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future, pt.9 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 03/07/02 01:07 pm Msg: 562 of 565
Xoxo-Ono greets his new clients, Big Joe and Little Joe:
XOXO-ONO: Hiya, guys! Don't worry, I got the situation well in hand! Takes a deep whiff from his bag. Whatta rush! Anyhow, the prosecution witness speaks first. He's a sixth generation clone, but his memories are fully intact from the previous generations. These clones improve with age, which goes against the old theories of cloning. How's that for a bummer? Oh, and the witness is the Grand Leader, of course. But don't worry. I know I can work out a deal. I'm sure at least one of you will be spared death by big box of genetcally-altered steel-clawed slashing kittens.
The robed man Big Joe and Little Joe call "The Retardo" but is now the Grand Leader of this new world points an accusing finger at them and proclaims:
GRAND LEADER: Shortly after my first generation original's mother passed away, that bad man there demanded that my original get rid of the cat he'd allowed her to keep, even though this was illegal. My original would not do it, so that bad man there and his deranged offspring next to him harassed my original and my original's father. My original's father was particularly timid and vulnerable, so eventually I had to give in and personally took the cat to the animal control place. It looked at me with fear-filled eyes and gave a meow which seemed to say "Why?" This was years before the success of cat cloning, so the ironically named "Clonecat" could not be reproduced.
The Grand Leader breaks down and cries. The arena is filled with angry murmurs and spit-hisses.
LITTLE JOE: We're f--ked.
XOXO-ONO: Not so. Watch me weave my magic! He moves to the center of the arena, grabs his lapels, and begins: Friends, humans, feline folks, lend me your ears. Fourty score or seven years ago (I forget which), my two clients were sucked through a time vortex caused by a historic event documented in books across the world. They don't belong here-- they must face justice in their own time, which is the pain of guilt knowing that their arrogance, stupidity and heartlessness will bring about this world we live in today. Let's return them to their time. Takes a strong whiff from his bag. Quaquaquaqua!!
GRAND LEADER: We can't send them back-- we don't have that ability, idiot. And if we could, they would try to stop my original from initiating the steps that will bring about this utopia of love, fuzzyness, and harmony, dipshit. It's time for the verdict....
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future pt.10 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 03/09/02 12:50 pm Msg: 565 of 565
The verdict is delivered in resounding unison by the entire arena audience:
CATS AND HUMANS: GUILTY!!!!!!!!
GRAND LEADER: What else? And before I pronounce an appropriate sentence upon the defendents, I hold Xoxo-Ono in contempt, and sentence him to the standared punishment. Toms, mark your turf!
All the male cats in the arena line up and spray Xoxo-Ono. When it's over, Xoxo-Ono is drenched and stinky beyond hope.
XOXO-ONO: Ah, well. At least it'll be easier for me to keep those vile, inferior enlisted men out of the Officer's club, of which I am the sole member. Takes a whiff from his bag, and addresses Big Joe and Little Joe: You're on your own, boys.
Exits the arena, followed by catcalls and chants of "phew-phew-phew".
GRAND LEADER: And now, the sentencing....
Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future pt.11 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 03/21/02 04:01 am Msg: 569 of 573
Big Joe and Little Joe tremble as they await the decision as to their fate....
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Well, at this point, the director of this monumental film decided to emulate the great moment from that William Castle B-movie classic "Mr. Sardonicus" when the audience voted for the fate of the evil title character. So it is here, when the audience would have had the opportunity to vote for harsh punishment for the Gypettos, or for escape. But don't bother voting, because, as with "Mr. Sardonicus", only one scene was shot-- no alternative. The directors of both films presupposed that the audiences would vote that the bad guys get what's coming to them, which in the case of "Mr. Sardonicus", proved an accurate assumption.
Carry on!
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Deleted Scene: Fishing the Future pt.12 by: the_management_of_this_theater (49/M/This Theater) 03/28/02 10:47 am Msg: 573 of 573
The Grand Leader makes his proclamation of punishment:
GRAND LEADER: The fate shall be the Box o' Steel-Clawed Kittens! But first, MediCat shall draw a pint of blood from each!
A Calico cat wearing a lab coat inserts IVs into the arms of Big Joe and Little Joe. The requisite pint of blood is drawn from both of them. The bags are taken away to the laboratory for future reference. The jet-black guard cats untie Big Joe and Little Joe from the posts, and the two are led to huge boxes with no tops to provide easy viewing for the spectators. Big Joe and Little Joe are strapped down, and immediately hear the sound of mewing. Suddenly, a thousand cute, teeny-tiny kittens of different colors and breeds (but all with tiny razor-edged steel claws which gleam in the late afternoon sun) enter the box through several doors. The two Joes scream as the energetic little kitties swarm over them to play and play and play with the increasing amount of red liquid-drenched ribbons of tissue. It is hours before Big Joe and Little Joe escape from their physical agony into a dark void where an altogether new agony awaits them....
The jet-black guard cats untie Big Joe and Little Joe from the posts, and the two are led to huge boxes with no tops to provide easy viewing by the spectators. Big Joe and Little Joe are strapped down, and immediately hear the sound of mewing. Suddenly, a thousand cute, teeny-tiny kittens of different colors and breeds (but all with tiny razor-edged steel claws which gleam in the late afternoon sun) enter the box through several doors. The two Joes scream as the energetic little kitties swarm over them to play and play and play with the increasing amount of red liquid-drenched ribbons of tissue. It is hours before Big Joe and Little Joe escape from their physical agony into a dark void where an altogether new agony awaits them....
The jet-black guard cats untie Big Joe and Little Joe from the posts, and the two are led to huge boxes with no tops to provide easy viewing by the spectators. Big Joe and Little Joe are strapped down, and immediately hear the sound of mewing. Suddenly, a thousand cute, teeny-tiny kittens of different colors and breeds (but all with tiny razor-edged steel claws which gleam in the late afternoon sun) enter the box through several doors. The two Joes scream as the energetic little kitties swarm over them to play and play and play with the increasing amount of red liquid-drenced ribbons of tissue. It is hours before Big Joe and Little Joe escape from their physical agony into a dark void where an altogether new agony awaits them....
....And so it went, year after year after year on the anniversary of the two Joes entrance into the world ruled by cats and cat-lovers. After all, their blood samples provided enough of their DNA to provide clones until the sun goes nova billions of years from that historic day....
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Now wasn't that something? I guess you can say the cats got more than just Big Joe's and Little Joe's tongues in this story. I'd say their fate was purr-fect, except that pun was used before. I hope no one out there thought the two Joes were going to escape by a whisker. Things like that don't happen around here, even if they could run like cheetahs. Well, time to stop pussy-footing around and move on to more hilariously morbid matters-- in multiples! Heh-heh-heh!