Title: Thoughts Under A Sea of Stars
Author: Kalynn
kalynn95@juno.com
Rating: G
Classification: V/A
Keywords: M/S friendship
Summary: Mulder sits and thinks...
Spoiler: small ones for Fire, Pusher
Archive: Okay for Gossamer, others ask first please, thanks!

Author's Notes: This is another example of something coming out of nothing and having a little time to kill. It's really short, so give it a read and let me know what you think. It's not like the stuff I've been posting lately. That could be considered good for Mulder, you know. ;)

Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and Skinner are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people.

Thoughts Under A Sea of Stars

The sky was blanketed in a sea of stars, and Special Agent Fox Mulder couldn't take his eyes off of them. Away from people, the world was so still and quiet. As he lay in the middle of a field, miles away from civilization, his thoughts were turned inward.

In his minds eye, he saw Samantha being taken. Quickly, the scene would shift to Scully laying in a hospital bed. Both events were linked through him, and in his mind linked to the stars as well. He closed his eyes, starry skies used to bring peaceful thoughts, but those peaceful moments had changed the day he remembered Samantha's abduction. The scant few peaceful moments he had found in the years since he was twelve were lost after the regression hypnotherapy.

He didn't know why he had felt compelled to drive out to the middle of nowhere to stare up at accusing skies. He just had. He wondered what Scully was doing, if she was making the most of every Saturday night such as this since her cancer's remission. You know she is he thought. He realized that she was part of the reason he had come to such a field. He still felt responsible for so much, and he felt the need to distance himself from her. He believed that she would be allowed to enjoy her new lease on life, if she wasn't always having to worry about him.

Forcing his eyes open to again look upon the stars twinkling overhead, he sighed. Punishment he mind offered. Whenever he looked at Scully, he saw some degree of understanding in her eyes. Guilt racked his soul, and it was only right that he be punished for his crimes he thought.

On occasion he had found the depths of his self-loathing and despair to be so great that he thought the only way was for him to do the world a favor and end his own life. As a teenager, after fighting with his dad, at Oxford after being dumped by Phoebe, while Scully was missing, after facing Pusher. Thinking of ending it all wasn't a rare thought. He shook his head when he realized just how many times he had seriously wanted to pull the trigger and put a bullet through his brain.

But not anymore. He knew he couldn't speak for forever, but for the time being, it was a more appropriate sentence to be forced to live. He knew that Scully was strong, and that he was at the source of much of the heartbreak in her life, but he also knew it would hurt her if he took such an easy way out.

So he sat, still beneath a sea of stars. The quiet surrounding him was broken by the ring of his cell phone. He reached for the phone, picking it up and punching send.

"Mulder."

After a second of silence, he heard a familiar voice. "Mulder? You okay?" Scully's voice sounded so small, yet so strong at the same time.

He smiled, a faint brief smile. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Scully sighed. "Okay, Mulder. I can't explain it, I just felt . . . I just felt like I needed to call you. I guess I'll let you get back to whatever you're doing."

"Wait, Scully. Don't hang up just yet, okay?" He sounded like a little boy who was begging for a story before bed time. "Just talk to me, let me hear your voice."

Sitting in her apartment, a strange look crossed Scully's face. "Okay, Mulder," she was beginning to feel like a broken record. "Where are you, anyway?"

They continued to talk until Mulder's cell phone battery was about to die. The conversation never really touched any deep topic, mostly just listening to the other's thoughts on one silly topic or another. Mulder still felt a slight twinge of guilt at monopolizing Scully's night, but he needed the connection to her. He couldn't explain it exactly, but he truly needed to just hear her voice.

It was nearing dawn when the two partners finally said goodbye. As Mulder looked overhead where he had once found waves of guilt and despair, he now saw a sunrise that allowed him just a glimmer of hope. In his life, he had found hope hard to find, and almost impossible to cling to. However, in Scully he had found a new hope. She stood by him, even after all the pain his being in her life had caused.

Standing up, and watching a new day begin, he knew there was only one thing to explain the smile on his face. He had found in Scully the one thing his life had always lacked, a friend with whom the connection extended beyond what mere words could express.

In finding her, he had found part of himself. "I love you, Scully," he whispered before walking slowly back to his car.

fin