General Information

General Information

The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy

  1. Command 302: Winning in No-Win Situations
  2. Communicatins 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
  3. Space Law 206: Avoiding Court Martial
  4. Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
  5. Philosophy 203: Why all major systems fail at the same time
  6. Command 255: Choosing minor landing party members who will die
  7. Astrophysics 199: Reognizing Unknown Phenomenon
  8. Command 309: Creative Obedience to starfleet orders
  9. Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological advances under time pressure
  10. Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and how to get around it

The Top Ten Signs You've Watched Too Much Much Star Trek

  1. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green-skinned Orion slave girl in episode number 7.
  2. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble
  3. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise
  4. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information
  5. You went to San Fransisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale
  6. You're collage thesis was "A comparison of Illustrious of carries T.J Hooker and Captian Kirk"
  7. You fly into a homicidial rage anytime people say "Star Trek isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker"
  8. You have no life
  9. You recognize more than three references on this list
  10. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle and head for the coordinates you calaucated for the planet Vulcan.

Top ten April Fools Jokes on the Enterprise

  1. Everybody acts like Riker is the captain
  2. Pretend you have been taken over by an alien being
  3. Program the replicator in Tori's room so that it won't make chocolate.
  4. Repaly file tape of the Borg ship on the main verwer
  5. Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantel him
  6. Put a small speaker in Dr. Crushers bedroom to play garbled voices.
  7. Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
  8. Substitute some od Dr.Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth.
  9. Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"
  10. Yell into your communicator "Captain, thew antimatter containment fields are collapsing."

Top then reasons why the Three Stooges could easily take command of the Enterprise

  1. Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain, I sense... whoo! whoo!...You numbskull... Why, i oughta
  2. Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat Boy"
  3. Transpoter. Cream Pie. You get the picture.
  4. Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable to leave their deck.
  5. Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has gone befor.
  6. The Enterprise crew will be Mezmerized by Curly as he does the Curly Shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the Enterprise
  7. Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few minutes with something he learned in science class.
  8. Picard dosen't know the block
  9. If Curly can trake a lead pipe to the head, he's going to laugh at a phaser on "stun".
  10. Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security

Top Ten Bumper Stixkers for the U.S.S. Enterprise

  1. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
  2. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day think about it."
  3. "Honk if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
  4. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 phasers do"
  5. "Zero to warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
  6. "CAUTION...We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical."
  7. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
  8. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
  9. "We breake for cubes!"
  10. "Wesley on board!"
  11. "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

The Top Ten Changes if Starfleet Had Sponsors

  1. O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the American Express transporter. When you absolutely, positivly have to get there instantly."
  2. Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation."
  3. Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner.
  4. Holodeck doors would say "Sony Trinitron System."
  5. Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
  6. Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
  7. Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs.
  8. Ten Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign.
  9. After communication beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T."
  10. Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise."

Surefire Signs That Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life

  1. Saying "Make it so" in casual converstion
  2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium
  3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
  4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
  5. Have figured out the stardate system
  6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
  10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
  11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
  12. Atttending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
  13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Ment
  14. Understaning Klingon
  15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
  16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
  17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
  18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
  19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
  20. More than three original episode oulines buried in your drawers

Top Twenty Uses for Data's Detached Head

  1. Combination paperweight/stapler for picard's desk
  2. The ball in Pariss' Squares
  3. Hood ornament for shuttlecraft
  4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
  5. Scare blind students in braille class
  6. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
  7. Lawn decoration in arboretum
  8. Footstool for captian's chair
  9. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
  10. Scare Alexander into doing chores
  11. Send to doctor that killed crystalline entity as gag gift
  12. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
  13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
  14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek hologram cards
  15. Twon words: Tether ball
  16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
  17. Centerpiece in Ten Foerward buffet
  18. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
  19. Use as a nutcracker at Christmas time
  20. Prove to insurance company he died so the crew can collect on his lige insurance policy.

Twenty Things That Never Happen in Star Trek

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are perfectly all right
  3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck and it works properly
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well stocked sickbay.
  6. The captain has to make a difficult dicision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easer by the starfleet Prime Directive
  7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident
  8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten the bring the right leads
  9. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence that does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence that they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  12. The Enterprise visits an Earth type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
  13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
  14. The Enterprise is incolved in a bizarre time warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the late 20th century.
  15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious
  17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher
  18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
  19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high ranking position for not being abole to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  20. Most Things that are newe or in some way unexpected.

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