NEW JOKES

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NEWEST JOKES

New Watch...Jan 6 '00
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Sam and John....Dec 30 '99
Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work" A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing" A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Its the thought that counts....Dec 10 '99
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Little Susie....Dec 8 '99
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Handwriting....Dec 5 '99
President of the united states is all in a bunch, the vice pres is missing, he calls a huge man hunt to find him. Couple hours later an agent comes in and says " Well sir we have some good news and some bad news" Clinton wanted the good news first. "Well sir we found his name written in the snow out side the White House" "Ok bad news" says Clinton "well Sir it was Hillarys handwritting!"

Dirty panties....Dec 3 '99
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry and when it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week, she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally, the Chinaman responds with a note of his own, "Use more paper on ass."

Little Johnny's Dad....Dec 1 '99
Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Ouch!!!!....Nov 29 '99
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So, the construction worker dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. *I'm* going to set the garage on fire."

Shipwrecked....Nov 28 '99
A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the he took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the fellow had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Rancher....Nov 21 '99
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I am the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?" "Well. . . yes", he answered. "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did. "Now take off my socks. " He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked. "Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said.... "And don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

Two Hillbillies....Nov 17 '99
Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Possum Burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?""Yep," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak" he asked? She again shook her head no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"

Priest and Nun....Nov 17 '99
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.

Confession....Nov 13 '99
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long."

Yummy....Nov 12 '99
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face, with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Gas Grill Butt....Nov 11 '99
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill, then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it , honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for that one little weenie, do you?"

Indian Toilet Paper....Nov 05 '99
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."

HMO....Nov 02 '99
Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done." A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?". To which she replies "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get a hand job & he gets a blow job?". The nurse simply replies, "That is the difference between an HMO & Complete Coverage."

Blow out Sale....Oct 29 '99
Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything." The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this retard who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the retard comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me guys," asks the retard, "what have you guys got for sale today?" One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on assholes!" The retard says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!"

Green Tomatoes....Oct 26 '99
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. ``So-so,'' she answers. ``The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.

Serious Accident....Oct 22 '99
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too weak from the accident. Her husband immediately offered to donate his own skin. The only skin on his body that was not covered by tattoos & that was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she had ever before! All her friends & relatives just went on & on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.. There is no way that I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I will ever need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Smart Man....Oct 22 '99
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack."

Luigi....Oct 18 '99
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."
"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!"
"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."

Thanks.....WINDON
Drunk Cowboy....Oct 18 '99
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."
Gynecologist....Oct 17 '99
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
Blow him up....Oct 15 '99
A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking. "Mommy, what are you doing?" "Umm," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat that I'm bouncing all the air out of him." "I don't know what good it's going to do," the boy replied. "The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"
Triplets....Oct 14 '99
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Fallen....Oct 11 '99
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'" The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."
Toilet paper....Oct 9 '99
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?" He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might even walk again.....
....thanks again Maral

Terrible News....Oct 8 '99
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
.....thanks Maral

Lost in Texas....Oct 7 '99
An attractive woman from New york was driving throught a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town . She climbed up[ behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the indian would let lout a whoop so loud lthat it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asded the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, " merely sat behind him on lthe horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn"t fall off. "Lady, the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback.........."

Honeymoon....Oct 7 '99
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite on the romantic island of Jamaica. After unpacking, the husband abruptly took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did, and they were nearly twice her size. "There's no way I can wear these. They're too big," she said. "Good, now you know who wears the pants in the family." Flustered, the wife takes off her underwear and gives it to her husband. "Put these on," she commands. The husband looks at the small pair of underwear and then at his waist and says, "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "You're right about that until you change your attitude."

Rabi vs the IRS....Oct 7 '99
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles. "What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the auditor. "Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal." "All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and they send us you."

Brother John....Oct 7 '99
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."

Three dogs....Oct 7 '99
Three Labrador Retrievers - - - a Brown, Yellow and Black - - are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Black Lab turns to the Brown and says, "So why are you here?" The Brown Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed." The Black Lab says, "So what is the Vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the Brown Lab. "All the Vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the Yellow Lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The Yellow Lab says, "I''m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to to do you?" the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Yellow Lab then turns to the Black Lab and asks what he's at the Vet's office for. "I'm a humper." the Black Lab says. "I''ll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The Yellow and Brown Labs looked in amazement at each other and the yellow asks "So you are here for that?" He replies "Nah I'm here to get mynails clipped"