No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
--Ed Howe

A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....
--Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
-- H.L. Mencken

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
--J.Pierpoint Morgan

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
--Maryon Pearson

The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.
-- George Orwell

What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?
-- George Bernard Shaw

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
-- Mark Twain

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
-- Judith Viorst

Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
--Oscar Wilde

Either the wallpaper goes or I do.
-- Oscar Wilde, last words

If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
-- Caron de Beaumarchais

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-- Erma Bombeck

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
-- Erma Bombeck

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
-- Victor Borge

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler

I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
-- John Cleese

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
-- Oscar Levant

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
-- Howard Ogden

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
-- Laurence J. Peter

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-- Dan Rather

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-- Rita Rudner

I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
-- Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-- Rita Rudner

The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
-- Mark Twain

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
-- Peter Ustinov

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
-- Oscar Wilde

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
-- Oscar Wilde