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This isn't your usual feminism page; the emphasis here is on equity feminism that seeks true equality and equal treatment for women AND men. Equity feminism is the opposite of gender feminism which, anymore, seems more interested in emphasizing female privledges over any sort of true equality.
(Note: What follows are my opinions about the events of the Take Back the Night Vigil held October 22, 1998 at Ball State University. This was the first event of its kind that I had ever attended so I cannot say that it is typical of such events or that it is typical of previous TBTN vigils held here at Ball State. Consider me a hostile observer of sorts, but one who is trying her best to be fair.)
It's been a week now, here's my reflections on my actions after Feminists for Action and a Daily News columnist have had their chances to respond in private to my public statements and to the letter I sent FA. Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa.
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This page was inspired by my attending a Take Back the Night candlelight vigil at Ball State University, where I'm pursuing a Master's Degree in English Composition. The vigil I attended was intended for the men of campus, while the women were supposed to march across campus in a show of female power (or something like that). I attended the men's vigil because I wanted to see just what these men would be up to, what would their part of the demonstration be.
What I saw, I didn't like. I was one of three women who attended what was supposed to be an otherwise all-male vigil. We were not asked to leave and were treated with respect, though I doubt the reverse would have been true had men chosen to try and march with the women.
If you're wondering why women attended this vigil at all, I have to take the blame for that. Ever since I came back to school about three years ago, I saw the signs up every year for the Take Back The Night March/Vigil, and every year I made jokes about attending the men's vigil to be with my 'spiritual brothers.'
This year, I made this same half-serious joke to my friend Lindsy who said "Sure, let's go." After checking to make sure she was serious, I reluctantly said sure and arranged to meet her at 6:30 at the site of the vigil.
So, after class I headed to the vigil site, unsure of what would happen and half-afraid that things would get ugly or at least unpleasant. On the way to the vigil site I passed a few members of Feminists For Action who were carrying signs for the march half of the evening's festivities. I kept my head down, for fear they'd recognize me for the gender traitor that I am and drag me through the streets to the Quad area where I'd be burned at the stake atop a pile of flaming Playboy magazines.
I arrived at the Scramble Light, so-called because of the walk signal that will stop traffic in all four directions so students can 'scramble' across the street to class, a few minutes before the vigil was to begin. Three men stood close together. Figuring they were there for the vigil but not seeing Lindsey and not brave enough to approach them on my own, I moved around them to sit on one of the nearby stone tables.
That's when I got my first pleasant surprise of the evening: my friend Greg was there, also waiting for Lindsey. We sat and talked for a while as the vigil crowd grew and as two more friends Mandy and Painter arrived. THe four of us stood apart from the vigil crowd and talked for a bit. It looked to me like Lindsey wasn't going to show up, which would mean I could scurry home with my figurative tail between my legs and hide.
No such luck...Lindsey showed up and walked right up to the vigil crowd (which had already begun). The rest of us walked over to join her and merged with the circle. We were given candles and managed to get them lit and tilted so the hot wax wouldn't burn too much.
Once the disruption we created was settled, one of the male members of Feminists For Action read a prepared statement. I almost left in the middle of it because what he said made me angry. The line that bothered me the most and that sticks in my mind was "We in this country don't have a violence problem, we have a male violence problem." (paraphrased; emphasis mine)
I was good, I rolled my eyes at Lindsey but kept silent until the vigil leader (I'm assuming that's what he was supposed to be, I really don't know if the vigil was organized to have a leader or not) asked if anyone had anything they would like to add. To my surprise, I spoke up.
(A brief aside: I HATE public speaking with a white-hot passion. I have had a severe phobia about speaking in front of groups at least since high school. How I made it through my required undergraduate speech class, I will never know. That day had already been a nerve-wracking one for me since I'd had to deliver presentations in both of my graduate classes, one of which ended up being a half hour long, so the fact that I was able to say a word, let alone the torrent of emotion that came out of my mouth was nothing short of insanity given human form.)
If this had been a movie, I would have started nervously but warmed quickly to my topic and come forth with a rousing speech the likes of which would have made Daniel Webster weep openly. Not only would I have swayed my audience, but I would have attracted passersby, moved them all to action and ended crime and violence in Muncie, Indiana that very night with an eye on taking care of the rest of the world by the following Tuesday.
This wasn't a movie; it was a cold Muncie street corner and hot wax was burning my fingers. I was, in a sense, in enemy territory and my normally soft voice was competeing with the flurry of cars headed for the Statler Bros. concert being held in the nearby school auditorium.
I can't remember all of what I said; I do remember babbling almost but not quite incoherently. I remember starting off by asking the crowd to remember two people who probably wouldn't be mentioned that night:
Phil Hartman: who was shot by his wife while he slept for no discernable reason. (From what I know there was no justification for Brynn Hartman's actions. There was no history of abuse in the family, if anything she was the one described as having a violent temper, not Phil. True, there were rumors that he was planning on leaving her for another woman but that is not a justification for murder.)
Matthew Shepard: who was murdered for being gay by two men and their girlfriends (at the time at least one of the women was also in custody for the murder and was considered an accomplise to the crime).
My reason for asking the crowd to remember these two men who died too soon and for no good reason was this: to remind us all that violence, domestic or otherwise is quite bluntly not only something that men do. Women murder, rob, steal, abuse children and men and other women (physically and sexually). As you'll see by following the links on this page as well as other information that will be posted here, the idea of women as helpless victims is a cruel and stupid lie perpetuated not only by a sexist society but also by those women who claim to be fighting for the equal treatment of women. I find it asinine that otherwise intelligent women fail to realize that true equality means that we have to accept the disadvantages that men have as well as the privledges. And to give up some of our own privledges. (More on this later, for now, back to the vigil.)
The rest of my speech wasn't very coherent, at least not to my ears. I was trying hard to get the idea across that violence isn't a gendered issue, that the problem isn't male violence and that men shouldn't be blamed for the actions of a few individuals (ok, so it's higher than 'a few' but not all men are abusers, criminals and rapists and they shouldn't all be treated as such). I don't know how well I succeeded, since another member of Feminists For Action then read a list of "Ways to tell if a Woman Doesn't want to have sex" that made me just as sick to my stomach as the first speaker's presentation did. I keep wondering if the young man doing the reading really believes in his heart of hearts that men need to be told that if a woman kicks, bites or hits them she is not interested in sex?
(Another aside: This is only one of the more extreme examples given in the list; most of the rest weren't this drastic and I only include this one because of the sheer ridiculousness of it. If a man doesn't already know this or he doesn't care, I seriously doubt he'd attend a Take Back the Night vigil in the first place.)
I wasn't the only one speaking up in favor of equitable treatment for men. Lindsey also spoke out and did a damned better job of it than I did. The truly saddening, maddening and sickening part of the whole night was that Lindsey and I were just about the ONLY people to speak out about men not all being responsible for violence. What the hell has the feminist movement done to its male allies to reduce them to this state? Why are otherwise intelligent young men blaming themselves for actions they haven't committed and probably will never commit? Why...sorry, more on that rant at a later date...I haven't gotten to the marchers yet...
It was about this time that we could hear the women's march as it came toward us. I don't like protest marches at the best of times, even for causes I agree with, since they don't really seem to accomplish anything but show the world that a large group of people can all chant in unison. Yes, I realize it shows that a large group of people care about a particular issue, but so do letter writing campaigns and discussion groups.
The women's march went past us like we were a rock in a stream. Well, more like a reed since we broke up our circle to move out of their way. I kept my back to the marchers, partly out of protest, partly because I have an aversion to crowds and making eye contact with people. They chanted slogans as they marched past us, paying little or no attention to anyone connected with the vigil.
Insert Side Rant Here: This illustrates one of my biggest objections to the March/Vigil system at Ball State. According to the Daily News (school paper) the next day, there were approximately 40 women who attended the march. There were, by my approximation 20-25 men at the vigil. Wouldn't it have been better to merge the two groups, thereby increasing the number of marchers/those holding candles? A combined march or vigil would have showed that Ball State students are united against domestic/street violence, that men and women can come together to protest what is happening in our homes and on our streets and probably would have attracted more people. I certainly would have been more willing to attend a co-ed march, though I have a feeling some of the rhetoric still would have made me angry.
While we were waiting for the march to pass by, a reporter from the Daily News came up to Lindsey and asked her why she was at the vigil. I turned and also started talking to the reporter. We attempted to explain why we were there and actually did a halfway decent job. We were even quoted the next day in the paper, sort of...the reporter only mentioned that there was one woman in attendance, and quoted me as "Kathy Parker" instead of "Kathy Pulver". Still, she got the part about me being there in protest of the division of the sexes.
The vigil broke up shortly after this, Lindsey went to the continuation of the march/vigil, a rally being held at the Student Center where a speaker from A Better Way, a local shelter, was going to speak. I went home and made fried chicken breasts for myself and my fiance (well, and the cat, but then the cat always manages to get a bite of what we're eating...not always because she's given some either).
There's not much else to say about the TBTN march, except that it persuaded me not only to do this page but to write a letter to Feminists For Action to inform them of some of the statistics on female domestic violence. You can read that letter by going To The Letter.
Another thing that caused me to become extremely vocal in print was the death of Dr. Slepian, an obsetrician/gynecologist who performed abortions in upstate New York. To read that essay, click on Doctor's Death Rant
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